This holiday season brings good news! Not only good news of the birth of our Lord Jesus but good news that I am still cancer free. The MRI results are good and there are no signs of cancer. No words can express the Joy I feel knowing my journey has almost come to an end. My face has healed and the cancer is gone. This will be the first holiday in almost two years that we will be able to celebrate without fear and worry. What a wonderful feeling!
Tomorrow I have an appointment with my Surgical Oncologist to discuss the options for fixing my face. This will be the last and final step in my journey and it will not be easy. I have a feeling all of my options will be difficult and the recovery will take a long time. I am going to take some time to think about what the best options are that pose the least amount of risk. And I will make sure that I am mentally and physically ready to endure another difficult surgery.
This Christmas I will be counting my blessings and thanking God for getting me through one of the most difficult times in my life. I will be cherishing the moment I get to watch my girls get up Christmas morning with the anticipation of seeing what Santa put under the Christmas tree. And the time I will get to spend with my family on Christmas day and celebrating being cancer free.
One of the traditions Jason, Mackenzie, Kendall and I have on Christmas Eve is to watch the movie the Polar Express. This movie is truly magical and I love the theme it suggests of Believing. Because of experiencing the effects of Santa (the North Pole, toy factories, reindeer etc...) the little boy in the movie overcomes his disbelief, slowly changes his mind and starts to believe in the existence of Santa. With this belief, the boy was finally able to hear the ringing of the bells on Santa's sleigh. Throughout my battle with cancer, I experienced the effect of God's hand in my life: the abundance of love and support from friends and family, messages of hope through God's word, and strength when I needed it most. It is because of this experience I am a true believer in God and his existence. Even though I have had a relationship with God for most of my life, just like the boy in the movie I can finally hear the bells.
Believe in what your heart is saying,
Hear the melody that's playing
There's no time to waste,
There so much to celebrate.
Believe in what you feel inside,
And give your dreams the wings to fly.
You have everything you need, if you just Believe.
I wish you all a very Merry Christmas! Believe in the magic and miracles it brings!
With Love,
Sue
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Friday, December 10, 2010
The Most Wonderful Time of the Year
It is definitely the most wonderful time of the year! The Karrmann household is embracing the spirit of Christmas more than ever this year. A day does not go by without Christmas music playing on the radio in the house or in the car. The decorations have been up since the week before Thanksgiving. And the Christmas shopping is finally done.
Buttons, the family elf, has visited our house once again. His stay begins on December 1st until December 24th when he goes back to the North Pole to stay and help Santa get ready for next year's Christmas. Each night he flies back to the North Pole to report back to Santa how the girls are behaving and in the morning reappears in a new location in our house. Mackenzie and Kendall look forward to waking up every morning and looking for where Buttons is hiding for that day. Sometimes they find Buttons in the same place as he was the day before and Jason and I need to quickly come up with an explanation as to why he hasn't moved. Yet, Mackenzie and Kendall still believe that Buttons is real. It is amazing how their belief in Santa and Buttons does not waiver and that their existence is never questioned. Somedays I feel so guilty about not telling Mackenzie and Kendall the truth, but I just can't shatter their belief quite yet. Someone told me once that a child's belief in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Tooth Fairy helps to build a solid foundation in their belief in God - it helps them to have faith in what is not seen. And I believe this is true. My prayer for my children is that their belief in God will always be as strong as their belief in Santa.
This type of faith is definitely a challenge as my next MRI looms around the corner. I thought I would be calm and collected, but I am a bundle of nerves. I have to keep reminding myself that God has a plan no matter what the results are. I pray the results are good...but if they are not I am praying for strength to face what is in store for me. My MRI is scheduled for next Wednesday at 11:15. I am hoping I will get the results as quickly as I did last time. Until then, I will go on celebrating the holiday season and enjoying the happiness and joy it is brought to our house.
Love to you all,
Sue
Buttons, the family elf, has visited our house once again. His stay begins on December 1st until December 24th when he goes back to the North Pole to stay and help Santa get ready for next year's Christmas. Each night he flies back to the North Pole to report back to Santa how the girls are behaving and in the morning reappears in a new location in our house. Mackenzie and Kendall look forward to waking up every morning and looking for where Buttons is hiding for that day. Sometimes they find Buttons in the same place as he was the day before and Jason and I need to quickly come up with an explanation as to why he hasn't moved. Yet, Mackenzie and Kendall still believe that Buttons is real. It is amazing how their belief in Santa and Buttons does not waiver and that their existence is never questioned. Somedays I feel so guilty about not telling Mackenzie and Kendall the truth, but I just can't shatter their belief quite yet. Someone told me once that a child's belief in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Tooth Fairy helps to build a solid foundation in their belief in God - it helps them to have faith in what is not seen. And I believe this is true. My prayer for my children is that their belief in God will always be as strong as their belief in Santa.
This type of faith is definitely a challenge as my next MRI looms around the corner. I thought I would be calm and collected, but I am a bundle of nerves. I have to keep reminding myself that God has a plan no matter what the results are. I pray the results are good...but if they are not I am praying for strength to face what is in store for me. My MRI is scheduled for next Wednesday at 11:15. I am hoping I will get the results as quickly as I did last time. Until then, I will go on celebrating the holiday season and enjoying the happiness and joy it is brought to our house.
Love to you all,
Sue
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Happy Thanksgiving
Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I have so much to be thankful this season - most of all my health. I will be counting my blessings this Thanksgiving and thanking God for my life, family and friends. And I am thankful for all of you that have supported me and prayed for me these past couple of years.
I have been spending this past week getting ready for hosting Thanksgiving at our house. We are excited to spend the holiday with Jason's family this year. I will be cooking the turkey, with a little help from my mother-in-law. I love this time of year. I have my Christmas decorations up already and Christmas music has been playing non-stop in the house and in the car. I am ready to celebrate!
MRI is scheduled for December 15. Thankfully the holidays have been keeping my mind occupied, but every now and then I get a wave of anxiety come over me when I remember this date. I will let you know the results as soon as I get them.
May you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving with your own family and friends!
Love,
Sue
I have been spending this past week getting ready for hosting Thanksgiving at our house. We are excited to spend the holiday with Jason's family this year. I will be cooking the turkey, with a little help from my mother-in-law. I love this time of year. I have my Christmas decorations up already and Christmas music has been playing non-stop in the house and in the car. I am ready to celebrate!
MRI is scheduled for December 15. Thankfully the holidays have been keeping my mind occupied, but every now and then I get a wave of anxiety come over me when I remember this date. I will let you know the results as soon as I get them.
May you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving with your own family and friends!
Love,
Sue
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Living Openly and Expansively
Ever since the completion of my hyperbaric treatments, I have gone into a "get it done" mode. I have been organizing the things in my life and house that have somewhat been left unkept or untouched for quite sometime. I have accomplished all of the things on my mental list that have been adding up ever since my diagnosis....painting walls and bathrooms, organizing drawers and cupboards, getting rid of clutter and getting back into shape. Most of the things on my to do list are now crossed off. Yet, despite my accomplishments I still have a restlessness inside of myself. I am not satisfied. At first I wasn't sure what it was causing these feelings. But after some reflection I have decided I am tired mentally and physically. I have been through a lot this past year and a half. I have yet to slow down and take time to nurture myself and to invest once again into my friendships and my relationships with Jason and the girls. Yet, most importantly I have decided I need to spend some time reflecting on what God wants me to do with the rest of my life.
Matthew 11:28-30 "Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me - watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly." (The Message)
I found this verse as I was reading a book called "One Month to Live" by Kerry and Chris Shook. Our pastor did a series of sermons on this book and encouraged the congregation to purchase it to follow along. When I bought the book, I wasn't at a point in my life where I could start reflecting on the purpose of this book. I was still fighting for my health and life and that was the only focus I had at the time. The purpose of the book is to teach you how to start living a no-regrets life. The book asks you to consider how your perspective would change if you found out you had just thirty days to live. After the initial shock, you'd probably resolve to squeeze all you could from the days that remain. You'd say what you really think. You'd love with abandon. You'd focus on whatever you care about most. You'd stop wasting time and in whatever time you had left, you'd throw yourself into becoming the person God intended to be. I haven't been given 30 days to live, but as a cancer survivor my chances of living a long life are certainly not as high as someone who has not lived with cancer. So learning what it means to make the most of my time on earth and how to live my life without regrets is important to me.
I Corinthians 6:1, 11-13 "Companions as we are in this work with you, we beg you, please don't squander one bit of this marvelous life God has given to us. I can't tell you how much I long for you to enter this wide-open, spacious life. We didn't fence you in. The smallness you feel comes from within you. Your lives aren't small, but you're living them in a small way. I'm speaking as plainly as I can and with great affection. Open your lives. Live openly and expansively." (The Message)
I am realizing that I still am not living my life as openly and expansively as I promised to if I were to go into remission and get my life back. Over the next month or so I have decided to be open to God's will for my life and what he wants me to do for the rest of my days, however long it may be. My life is not small and I am excited to see what he has in store for me.
I am happy to report, my skin has stayed in tact and there are no new holes. My next hurdle will be a MRI in December. My surgeon is optimistic it will bring good news that I am still cancer free. Although, I can't help but feel some anxiety as the date of the MRI approaches. After the MRI, we will discuss what options there are to fix my face and teeth. However, I am in no hurry.
We took a big step of faith and decided to book a family vacation in February. This was difficult and scary for us to do, but something that we all needed. Of course, we did buy some travel insurance just in case...but hopefully nothing will hold us back from going. These past few weeks, I have enjoyed volunteering once again at the girls' school, spending time with friends, going on dates with Jason and celebrating Halloween. For the first time, I attempted to make a costume for Kendall instead of purchasing one at the local Halloween superstore. Kendall insisted on being a jelly fish....it was a challenge but I made it happen. We had fun with the pumpkins and I was especially touched when Mackenzie decided to make a cancer ribbon on her pumpkin. I am looking forward to spending the upcoming holidays with our families. This year they will be extra special.
Please continue to pray for healing, for good news in December and for wisdom when it comes to making a decision on fixing my face.
With love,
Sue
Matthew 11:28-30 "Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me - watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly." (The Message)
I found this verse as I was reading a book called "One Month to Live" by Kerry and Chris Shook. Our pastor did a series of sermons on this book and encouraged the congregation to purchase it to follow along. When I bought the book, I wasn't at a point in my life where I could start reflecting on the purpose of this book. I was still fighting for my health and life and that was the only focus I had at the time. The purpose of the book is to teach you how to start living a no-regrets life. The book asks you to consider how your perspective would change if you found out you had just thirty days to live. After the initial shock, you'd probably resolve to squeeze all you could from the days that remain. You'd say what you really think. You'd love with abandon. You'd focus on whatever you care about most. You'd stop wasting time and in whatever time you had left, you'd throw yourself into becoming the person God intended to be. I haven't been given 30 days to live, but as a cancer survivor my chances of living a long life are certainly not as high as someone who has not lived with cancer. So learning what it means to make the most of my time on earth and how to live my life without regrets is important to me.
I Corinthians 6:1, 11-13 "Companions as we are in this work with you, we beg you, please don't squander one bit of this marvelous life God has given to us. I can't tell you how much I long for you to enter this wide-open, spacious life. We didn't fence you in. The smallness you feel comes from within you. Your lives aren't small, but you're living them in a small way. I'm speaking as plainly as I can and with great affection. Open your lives. Live openly and expansively." (The Message)
I am realizing that I still am not living my life as openly and expansively as I promised to if I were to go into remission and get my life back. Over the next month or so I have decided to be open to God's will for my life and what he wants me to do for the rest of my days, however long it may be. My life is not small and I am excited to see what he has in store for me.
I am happy to report, my skin has stayed in tact and there are no new holes. My next hurdle will be a MRI in December. My surgeon is optimistic it will bring good news that I am still cancer free. Although, I can't help but feel some anxiety as the date of the MRI approaches. After the MRI, we will discuss what options there are to fix my face and teeth. However, I am in no hurry.
We took a big step of faith and decided to book a family vacation in February. This was difficult and scary for us to do, but something that we all needed. Of course, we did buy some travel insurance just in case...but hopefully nothing will hold us back from going. These past few weeks, I have enjoyed volunteering once again at the girls' school, spending time with friends, going on dates with Jason and celebrating Halloween. For the first time, I attempted to make a costume for Kendall instead of purchasing one at the local Halloween superstore. Kendall insisted on being a jelly fish....it was a challenge but I made it happen. We had fun with the pumpkins and I was especially touched when Mackenzie decided to make a cancer ribbon on her pumpkin. I am looking forward to spending the upcoming holidays with our families. This year they will be extra special.
Please continue to pray for healing, for good news in December and for wisdom when it comes to making a decision on fixing my face.
With love,
Sue
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Glitter in the Air
"I am tired of waiting, of being stuck. I need this to be over. Cancer patients and survivors do not have the liberty to waste time. Every second of every day is precious to us. We never know if tomorrow will be our last." These were the very words I said to my surgeon the week of my last surgery. I was desperate to start living my life with nothing holding me back...surgeries, hyperbaric treatments and doctor appointments. Monday was the first day...in over a year and a half, that I was finally able to start living my life again, savoring every moment without treatments or doctor obligations and to start looking forward and not back. It was a GREAT feeling.
Since then, I have been been waking up every morning with excitement wondering how I am going to live out my day. What am I going to accomplish? It is all up to me and nobody else to decide what I am going to do. I am able to start saying "yes" to opportunities that I have said "no" to for many months. I am gratefully reassuming my role as mom, wife and friend and no longer being defined as a cancer patient. I cherish small moments like having a cup of coffee in the morning, taking in the beauty of Fall, listening to my kids laugh and play and holding hands with Jason....no longer will I take these moments for granted like I did in the past.
This is what life is all about. Appreciating every moment and every experience given to you. Understanding that life's ups and downs define who you are and make you glad to be alive. It is about loving others and being loved back. And most important, it is knowing that God is in control and to trust him wholeheartedly with your life.
So far the surgery was a success. My skin has stayed in tact and no new holes seem to be forming. The infections are almost gone. I have an appointment with my Surgical Oncologist on Monday. I most likely will be discussing options, if there are any, on how to fix my face. This includes getting my teeth fixed. In the meantime, I am taking time to heal and learning to accept my face and the way I look. It gets easier every day.
Thank you all for your prayers and support. You have all touched my life in more ways than you will every know.
Love,
Sue
Since then, I have been been waking up every morning with excitement wondering how I am going to live out my day. What am I going to accomplish? It is all up to me and nobody else to decide what I am going to do. I am able to start saying "yes" to opportunities that I have said "no" to for many months. I am gratefully reassuming my role as mom, wife and friend and no longer being defined as a cancer patient. I cherish small moments like having a cup of coffee in the morning, taking in the beauty of Fall, listening to my kids laugh and play and holding hands with Jason....no longer will I take these moments for granted like I did in the past.
This is what life is all about. Appreciating every moment and every experience given to you. Understanding that life's ups and downs define who you are and make you glad to be alive. It is about loving others and being loved back. And most important, it is knowing that God is in control and to trust him wholeheartedly with your life.
So far the surgery was a success. My skin has stayed in tact and no new holes seem to be forming. The infections are almost gone. I have an appointment with my Surgical Oncologist on Monday. I most likely will be discussing options, if there are any, on how to fix my face. This includes getting my teeth fixed. In the meantime, I am taking time to heal and learning to accept my face and the way I look. It gets easier every day.
Thank you all for your prayers and support. You have all touched my life in more ways than you will every know.
Love,
Sue
Friday, October 8, 2010
Can I Have The Bandage Back?
I never thought I would say this...I miss the bandage on my face. Yes, I do. It did draw attention to my face and as a result I got a lot of stares. But at the same time, it hid the deformities in my face. People only saw my bandage...they did not see the scars and disfigurement as a result of my surgeries. Unfortunately, the stares are still there. I am having a hard time dealing with the way my face is looking. I am not sure if it is something my surgeons can or will fix in the future. Right now I just need to wait and see how I heal. All I know is that I am not sure I can live like this the rest of my life. When out in public, I often walk looking down at floor. If I am outside, I am quick to put on sunglasses which provide a great cover for my face. I look at other peoples' faces with envy...never before have I noticed how many beautiful people are out there. What I wouldn't give to have my face back.
I know I should not let my face bother me. I should be thankful that I am cancer free. However, this is easier said than done. It is not easy to look different in today's world...to try and fit in and feel normal when there is something wrong with the way you look. I am trying hard to remind myself that what is most important is inner beauty and not outer beauty. A lesson I often teach my girls...and now I need to teach it to myself.
So far, my face is staying in tact and there are no signs of any more holes...for this I am thankful. My lower eyelid is drooping a little more than it used to, but it doesn't seem to be getting any worse. My face is a little more caved in under my eye since the bone was removed. This makes the bone that was transplanted in my cheek to be more prominent. I am hoping that some day the surgeons will either be able to shave the transplanted bone down or add some tissue underneath the skin under my eye to even my face out.
One thing I am most thankful for is the love and acceptance from family and close friends. It is in my circle of friends and family that I feel the most comfortable, accepted and have no need to hide my face. I have a wonderful husband that reminds me every day that I am still beautiful.
Please continue to pray for healing. Pray that my face will not cave in any further and that my lower eye lid will stay in tact. And pray that the shame I feel of the way I look will go away soon.
Love,
Sue
I know I should not let my face bother me. I should be thankful that I am cancer free. However, this is easier said than done. It is not easy to look different in today's world...to try and fit in and feel normal when there is something wrong with the way you look. I am trying hard to remind myself that what is most important is inner beauty and not outer beauty. A lesson I often teach my girls...and now I need to teach it to myself.
So far, my face is staying in tact and there are no signs of any more holes...for this I am thankful. My lower eyelid is drooping a little more than it used to, but it doesn't seem to be getting any worse. My face is a little more caved in under my eye since the bone was removed. This makes the bone that was transplanted in my cheek to be more prominent. I am hoping that some day the surgeons will either be able to shave the transplanted bone down or add some tissue underneath the skin under my eye to even my face out.
One thing I am most thankful for is the love and acceptance from family and close friends. It is in my circle of friends and family that I feel the most comfortable, accepted and have no need to hide my face. I have a wonderful husband that reminds me every day that I am still beautiful.
Please continue to pray for healing. Pray that my face will not cave in any further and that my lower eye lid will stay in tact. And pray that the shame I feel of the way I look will go away soon.
Love,
Sue
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Good news, Bad news
I am writing this blog for the first time in a long time without a big bandage and flap of skin across my nose. It is a wonderful feeling and I am so happy it has finally been removed. Surgery went well. Good news: the flap removal was a success and my surgeon was able to stitch the hole closed. Bad news: my surgeons discovered the bone underneath (about 3/4 inches long) my eye was dead and it had broken off therefore it had to be removed. Good news: this gives us a lot of answers as to why I was having so many problems with the skin breaking open in my face. Bad news: over time my eye lid and skin may begin to start to cave in without the support of the bone. If this should happen they will do some reconstruction using tissue or a bone in another part of my body. Good news: my surgeon thinks I am in the best place that I have been in in a long time. He was all smiles after the surgery. Good news: I should be able to have a much needed break for awhile. I am not quite sure if it will be the break I was looking for as I will constantly be worried about my face caving in. Something I want to talk with my surgeon more about during my post-op appointment on Monday. If it is inevitable that my face will cave in, I would rather have it fixed now than later. I would like to get it over with so that I can truly have a break and move on.
I am feeling pretty tired today, and will be taking it easy for the next few days. Hyperbaric treatment will resume again on Monday and will be completed after 10 more treatments.
I can't thank all of you enough for your prayers. I felt at peace before the surgery and I am feeling peaceful about the results of the surgery. Hope is starting to reemerge and things are looking up. Please continue to pray for healing and that the hole will remained closed and that should my face cave in that it will easily be fixed.
Love,
Sue
I am feeling pretty tired today, and will be taking it easy for the next few days. Hyperbaric treatment will resume again on Monday and will be completed after 10 more treatments.
I can't thank all of you enough for your prayers. I felt at peace before the surgery and I am feeling peaceful about the results of the surgery. Hope is starting to reemerge and things are looking up. Please continue to pray for healing and that the hole will remained closed and that should my face cave in that it will easily be fixed.
Love,
Sue
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