Top Things

Now that the nausea has subsided and I am able to emerge from my bedroom and participate in the world again, I have been able to spend some time contemplating on my experience thus far.  The following is a list of things I have thought long and hard about for the past couple of weeks and I thought I would share them with you.

1.  I now read each and every word of a hallmark card clinging for encouragement and hope.  I used to just see who signed it.

2.  Nurses who use Lanacane to numb my arm before placing an IV should receive a bonus pay.

3.  I can no longer stand the smell of hand sanitizer or saline flushes.

4.  I wish I had child like faith...a faith without doubts knowing God will provide and get me through this.  Just like a child knows Santa will bring presents on Christmas Eve.

5.  My life has more purpose than I thought it did...especially through this battle.

6.  I think I have seen just about every rerun of the O.C. and 90210.  Time to move on.

7.  Back scratches are great stress relievers.

8.  I have a special place in my heart for the drug companies who have come up with the drugs for nausea and heartburn!  They are lifesavers.

9.  I love to listen to the sounds outside...the birds chirping (especially the Robin), the frogs croaking and the kids playing.  

10.  The little things that used to bother me, just don't bother me anymore.  I hope that I can keep this mindset after this is all over.

11.  The best words of encouragement I received today was a verse in Isaiah 26:3-4 "People with their minds set on you, you keep completely whole, steady on their feet, because they keep at it and don't quit.  Depend on God and keep at it because in the Lord God you have a sure thing."  I am not sure what version of the Bible this is, but I loved it!

12.  No matter where you are in life, you will have an impact on those you encounter, those you speak to and those you show kindness to.  

13.  Cuddling in bed with my kids has new meaning in life.

14.  Having my husband physically by my side is the best calming medicine anyone could prescribe.  Even better than Ativan.

15.  I have the best in-laws in the world!

16.  God hand selected the neighborhood we live in - filled with so many wonderful friends that care deeply about us.

17.  I am so thankful for my friends - I am amazed by the love shown from friends in ages past and new friends.

18.  I took my family (Mom, Dad and Sister) for granted in the past.  Never again!

19.  Is is so important to always say "I Love You" because you never know when it will be the last.

20.  I never shared enough of myself with others.  I have more to give to others than I thought I did.  From now on, it is my commitment to share this journey with each and everyone of you.

21.  Prayer is powerful!  And when I am just tired of praying, it is comforting to know that there are others taking over for me.

I don't know what is worse

Dare I say - I think I am making a comeback?  These past couple of days I have been in a deep abyss and now I am slowly emerging again.  The nausea is starting to subside and I have been able to eat again!  Of course, I still have a selective pallatte...I often send my family to go and get food that sounds really good at the time.  And there is a time frame in that it needs to arrive or it will no longer sound good again.  Yesterday, my father-in-law so willingly drove to Taco Bell and ordered two bean burritos to go.  They were delicious!  Yes, it is almost like I am pregnant again.  I was so sick during my pregnancies, but nothing compared to this.  

Yesterday, I had a visit to the Oncologist for a follow up appointment.  It was good to go outside again and get some fresh air.  The bumpy ride down to the appointment through the construction zone wasn't the most pleasant, but I managed.  Based on the lab work drawn, it looks like my kidneys have survived the chemo and so far so good.  

Now that the chemo is over, I am going through a ton of emotions about whether or not it is working.  Because there are no true visible signs of whether or not the tumor is working, you just have to hope it is.  This is where faith comes in.  Sitting and waiting makes you feel helpless...wanting to do more than just rest and recover until the next round.  New fears are coming mind...what if I went through all of that and nothing worked? What if the tumor is bigger?  My body is going through so many changes from the chemo that it is hard to know if it is normal or if it is not.  Is the cancer spreading, or does my body just need to heal for a little time now?  Hard to keep the fears in check.  And course, why does there have to be a new panendemic swine flu scare while my immune system is compromised?

At the doctor yesterday, I received a shot that boosts my white blood count.  This will prevent it from dropping too low when the counts start to drop.  After a couple of hours, I started having a bad reaction to the shot, and ended up going to the Emergency Room at 11:00 at night.  My lymph nodes started to swell and arms were in pain.  Apparently, several people who have healthy bone marrow do not need as strong as a dose as I received and end up overproducing white blood cells.  Too bad I did not know this before going to the ER...I would have avoided a lot of the tests that were performed to rule out everything from blood clots to spleen damage.  Lesson learned, we will do a lower dose of a shot next time.

My biggest challenge I need to overcome right now is staying positive.  Not letting my fears get the best of me.  Also, I get very overwhelmed when I think of the road to come.  Radiation/Chemo Therapy is going to be even tougher and they are going to have to drag me kicking and screaming to those appointments. I have a little secret wish that I have between me and God...I pray that the tumor will almost be gone after this first round of chemo.  This would mean less evasive procedures to get rid of it.  This would be my miracle.

Thank you again to all of you that have brought meals, gifts, flowers, hats etc....My family has never eaten so well.  Recipes will need to be gathered by the time all of this is said and done.  God has blessed us with each and every one of you and for that we are grateful!

On a parting note...I read this the other day and thought it was so powerful.  When reading the Bible, we never hear Jesus being negative or speaking negatively.  You and I should follow his example.  Say about your whatever situation you are in what you believe Jesus would say, and you will open the door for the miracle-working power of God.

Rough Days

These past couple of days have been tough mentally and physically.  The nausea is getting the best of me and fatigue has set in.  I have never been more weak in my entire life.  Needless to say I am down in the dumps.  I am feeling alone and out of touch with my family and friends.  I lay in bed longing to participate in the activities going on around me, but I do not have the strength.   I am longing for the day when things will get better....

When I am in need of encouragement, I pull out my laptop and read the many messages sent from family and friends.   They uplift me and give me hope for better days.  The other day, my next door neighbor reminded me of a hymn that talks about God's faithfulness and his promise of new mercies every morning.   All that I needeth, his hand will provideth.  Never before has that song had more meaning to me.  Lord God, please have mercy on me.  Please give me the strength to get through this.    I long for the day to be able to laugh and experience joy again.  To play with my kids without feeling sick.  To be close to my husband.  To be a part of life again.  

"He gives power to the faint and weary, and to him who has no might he increases strength causing it to multiply and making it to abound."  Isaiah 40:29

I will cling hard to this promise and hope for a better day tomorrow.  I have finished the first round of chemo...

There is no place like home

When I was diagnosed with cancer, a robin that has built its nest underneath our deck, year after year, had reappeared.   She was quite plump and ready to lay her eggs again and she chose the same spot under our deck to do so.  This robin has become a symbol of hope for me that I will be OK and, like that robin, I will be there for my kids year after year.  The best part of waking up this morning in my own bed was looking out my window and seeing the robin again.  A renewed sense of hope that I desperately needed after being in the hospital.  It was wonderful to come home to my family and the comfort of my own home.  But it is a little nerve wrecking at the same time.  I can feel my body getting weaker and weaker which means my white blood count is starting to drop.  I am susceptible to germs and I just hope and pray that I will not get sick.  There is one advantage to having a husband that sells medical supplies - Jason has hand cleanser and hospital soap displayed all over the house for everyone to stay germ free.

Two more days of being on Chemotherapy.  I have a new companion that goes with me everywhere I go - a black bag containing a pump that is injecting me with the chemo until Sunday night.   Once the chemo has been completed, I will have about a 2 1/2 week break before the second round begins.  I have already thought about how tough it is going to be to start all over again.  But, I just need to take it one day at a time.  Next week, I will be going to the Oncology clinic to set a shot of white blood cells to begin boosting my system again.   

I had so many wonderful surprises coming home yesterday.  After sending Jason on a Dairy Queen run, I sorted through a bundle of cards and gifts from so many wonderful friends and family members and people I don't even know.  I am positively overwhelmed with how quickly my story has spread and the number of people that are praying.  It was also nice to come home and see how well my kids have been cared for and how well my family has been fed.  Thanks to all of you that have been sending food and arranging playdates for the girls.  

Today, my agenda will include attempting to take a shower, spending some time with the girls and sleep.  And not to mention staying on top of my nausea.  My bedside table is filled with prescription bottles for heartburn and nausea.   The nausea that I am experiencing is mostly from the type of chemo they gave me the first couple of days.  They were among the most aggressive forms of chemo available and it will take awhile for the side effects to go away.  So I am hoping I have turned the corner and that the nausea will go away soon.  

I am anticipating the day my hair will fall out.  But I am well prepared with cute hats and scarves to cover the bald head.  A dear friend, who works at one of my favorite stores, did some personal shopping for me and purchased a bunch of cute hats and scarves.  It was like Christmastime all over again.  

Thank you from the bottom of heart to all of you!  I feel surrounded by so much love and support.  A true gift from God!

Happy Birthday - well kind of

Today I am 38 years old.  I never thought I would be spending my birthday in the hospital getting chemotherapy.  It will definitely be a birthday I will never forget...and I vow next year I will make it even more memorable by celebrating being in remission. 

Today, I started out feeling very lonely and I was not feeling well.  The nurse last night forgot to give me an anti-nausea medication so I was sitting with a bucket in hand prepared for the worst.  Luckily, my nurse Chris, whom I have had since checking in got me what I needed and I have been feeling much better since.  I also spent a little time in God's word and a devotional book that my friend Tracy gave me.  I read a great passage in John 6:27-29.  The passage said, "What are we to do to carry out what god requires?  Jesus replied, This is the work that God asks of you; that you believe in the One Whom He has sent that you cleave to, trust, rely on, and have faith in his Messenger".   There have many times that I have struggled with my belief in God.  I get too focused on doing good rather than having faith...believing that God is real, especially when times get rough.  My first reaction when faced with troubles is to ask God what I did wrong.  To ask why me?   Rather, I should immediately have faith, cleave to, trust and rely on God just as the passage said to do so.  And this is the very reason why I think God puts things in our lives, like cancer, to teach us to cling immediately to our faith and to learn about God and his love for us. If you really think about it, if God did not exist, where would anyone find the hope and peace so much needed while going through a life threatening illness?  Where else do you get the hope and strength you need to get through it all?  There is no other source that I know of that has the power to heal me.  So I am choosing to believe in God, the healer.   After receiving this gentle nudge from God, I started to feel hope again.  And everything else seemed to follow in line.

I have been able to keep food down and managed to be able to eat a birthday cupcake.  I had visitors today including my mom, dad and sister and now I am anxiously waiting for Jason to arrive.  Visitors definitely cheer up my day and their presence help me to get through it all.  I was also so fortunately to receive some flowers and cards from family and friends.  They are now aligning my windowsill overlooking the Mississippi.

This morning, my Oncologist stopped by and tried to encourage me to go home and finish up my chemotherapy there.  At first I was hesitant and unwilling to leave.  There is just something comforting about being among doctors and nurses that can address your every need and be there immediately when you need help.  I was afraid that being at home would cause more anxiety.  But after listening to her reasoning, it made more and more sense.  She said that the nausea is under control and at home we will able to better manage the anti-nausea medication when needed rather than wait for a nurse to get it.  She also said that my blood count will be dropping dramatically in the next couple of days and it would be more safe for me to be at home when this happens.  I would not be exposed to all of the germs in the hospital.  The chemotherapy I am getting now is easy to dispense at home with the help of home medical care.  Nothing that we aren't too familiar with after Mackenzie's health care.  So it looks like as of now, I will be heading home tomorrow.  And it couldn't be better timing since I now have another new roommate.    

Thank you for all of the birthday wishes and words of encouragement.  It brightened my day, more than you will know.  I will definitely continue to keep you updated!

It has been a lonely day.  Jason wasn't able to spend as much time with me today at the hospital.  I spent a lot of time trying to catch up on the sleep I did not get overnight and listening to my roommate anxiously trying to get out of the hospital.  As soon as she left, I asked if I could take her spot by the window.  I now have a beautiful view to look outside at the mighty Mississippi.  I also had a pleasant surprise visit from Jason and the girls.  It was so good to get their hugs and kisses.  Mackenzie made me a birthday hat to wear on my birthday tomorrow and Kendall made me a card with our saying on it:  "I love you all the way to God".  Because that is how far love can go. 

I am starting to feel the chemo take affect.  My stomach has been upset and I am really tired.  It is hard for me to be up and about for very long.  It gets frustrating and I am hoping it won't get any worse.  Being on the oncology floor has made cancer so real to me.  It broke my heart listening to the pain my roommate was in.  It sounded like she was terminal and coming into the hospital to get relieve from the pain they were not able to give her at home.  I overheard the doctors ask her if she would like intervention should anything happen to her heart or should she stop breathing.  She said....no.  Her heart was so heavy from battling cancer over many years.  I could tell she was giving up.  I wanted so badly to shout, NO, do not give up.  You have so much to live for and grandchildren to love.  But I am sure it does get to a point when enough is enough.

I hope I don't get to this point.  I want so badly to be there for my kids.  I have been pretty confident up until now that I would beat this thing, but being here has dampened my spirits.  It gives me a glimpse of what might happen, but I hope it doesn't.

After having a minor panic attack after Jason and the girls left, I reached for my computer and read a very encouraging e-mail from my Uncle Bob.  He shared a blessing with me that brought tears to my eyes.  This blessing is my hope and my dream after all this is over.  Here it is:

May Your life be blessed for years to come

because you have met God in new and exciting ways.

May you and Jason tell the story of God's goodness

to your childrens' children.

May others look upon your life as a miracle of God

who desires the very best for his children.

May your life be as the flowers that bloom in the spring

when winter subsides.

May you praise God into your old age for his awesome

deeds of righteousness in answer to your prayers.

May you sense the presence of God and

May his tender mercies accompany you

both now and forevermore.

 

Please God heal me and answer the prayers of the many people that are praying, including me.

Chemo - Middle of the Night Reflections

Every time you venture out in the life of faith, you will find something in your common-sense circumstances that flatly contradicts your faith.  Common sense is not, and faith is not common sense; they stand in the relation of the natural and the spiritual.  Can you trust Jesus Christ where your common sense cannot trust Him?  Can you venture out heroically on Jesus Christ's statements when the facts of your common sense shout - It's a lie?"  On the mount it is easy to say - "Oh yes, I believe God can do it"; but you have to come down into the demon- possessed valley and meet with facts that laugh ironically at the whole of your mount-of-transfiguration belief.  Every time my program of belief is clear to my own mind, I come across something that contradicts it.  Let me say I believe God will supply all my needs, and then let me run dry, with no outlook, and see whether I will sink back to something lower.

Faith must be tested, because it can be turned into a personal possession only through conflict.  What is your faith up against just now?  'Blessed is he whosoever shall not be offended in Me.'  The final thing is confidence in Jesus.  Believe steadfastly on Him and all you come up against will develop your faith.  May God keep us in fighting trim!  Faith is unutterable trust in God, trust which never dreams that He will not stand by us." - Oswald Chambers

This is a passage My Aunt sent me to reflect on during my battle with cancer.  It took me at least 3-4 times to read it and completely understand what it is saying.  And after finally grasping what it meant, I realized this was one the true reasons that I am going through cancer.  My faith is being tested to the point that I will always have unutterable trust in God to take care of me no matter what situation I am in.  To let go of the control and give it all to him.  To Let go and Let God as many of you have reminded me.  I need that constant reminder.  I have found myself getting anxiety attacks quite frequently since I learned about my diagnosis.  And these anxiety attacks happen when I am scared, and when I know I am losing control.  In fact, I was having a lot of anxiety way before my diagnosis.  I was going through a period in my life where I was not giving everything to God.  I was trying to control the outcome of everything in my life.  I think the more and more I can understand what Oswald Chambers has said, the anxiety attacks will start to go away.  Oh how I can't wait until that day when I will have complete peace and understanding so that I can just let it all go.  It will be tough, but I think I can do it.

Last night after Jason left (he stayed at watched Amerian Idol with me) I started to feel very alone in my battle.  They started another chemo drug and without Jason's support there with me I started to get very anxious.  They had to give me another drug to calm me down.  I haven't gotten much sleep...so much on my mind.  I think I slept about 2 hours.  It is now 5:00 am and I should be getting ready to get up for a run with Heather and Kelly.  Oh, how I miss that.  I am starting to feel little weaker.  But I am not going to let that stop me from getting a couple of laps around the Oncology unit.  I am determined to keep my strength up as much as possible.  

I think my roommate will be leaving today.  It has been so difficult to have a roommate that has advanced stages of cancer and is agony and in pain.  It does not sound good.  I felt like asking the nurses if it was the best decision to stick me, a younger woman, who is starting chemo for the first time with a woman who seems to have been battling cancer for quite some time.  This has done quite a number on my mental status.  Afraid that I might be there some day, in agony and pain. However, because I don't want to be a demanding patient and because God just put it on my heart to pray for her things got a little better.  The Doctors have gotten her pain under control.  I think she slept much better than I did.  I have a beautiful view from my room overlooking the Mississippi River, but I can't see it because my bed is on the other side of the room and we are separated by a curtain.  I am hoping if my roommate leaves I can claim the other side.  It would be so nice to see some sunshine as I heard I will be missing some very nice warm days over the next three days.

Last night we got a little angel sent to us in the form of a nurse.  Jason knew her from college so it was nice to have a familiar face around especially after Jason went home.  She was wonderful helping me get through my anxiety attack.  The staff on the Oncology floor are amazing people!  I asked my nurse what it was the drew her to work on the Oncology floor.  She said she has tried other areas of specialities, but keeps coming back here. She loves working with the patients as they are a source of inspiration.

Yesterday I got a chance to add some artwork made by Mackenzie and Kendall and pictures up on the wall.  They are constant reminders of what it is that I need to accomplish here.  And that is get better so I can see them grow old and eventually watch them get married and meet my grandchildren.  I know in my heart that it will happen.  It is just going to be a long process.

Prayer Requests:  Please pray the chemo side affects will continue to be subtle.  I am guessing by the end of the day today I may start experiencing them a little more.  Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for your messages and words of encouragement.  What amazes me is that some of you have been quoting scripture that have always been a source of comfort to me.  Especially the on about God's power made perfect in weakness.  This was a verse that was with me all along through our journey with Mackenzie.  And it was first verse I opened to in my Bible when I learned my diagnosis. So when I read your notes with scriptures that confirm the ones I am reading it gives me hope and strength! Please keep them coming!