This is extremely difficult for me to say and never have I thought would I would find these words coming out of my mouth...I have found a flaw in the Apple Computer. Yes...I know...coming from someone who has just about every product the Apple Company offers, it is shocking to hear. But it has happened and I am about to drag an application on my hard drive to the trash folder and send it into never never land. It is the Photo Booth Application. Never...EVER...look at yourself in the Photo Booth Application after having massive reconstructive surgery. I am just saying.
These past couple of days I am finding myself shifting from being strong emotionally and weak physically to now being weak emotionally and strong physically. And it all started with finally looking at the aftermath of my facial reconstruction....in Photo Booth. My face appears as it has been stuffed liked a Turkey on Thanksgiving day. My right eye has been shoved up into my forehead. I am black and blue, not only because of the surgery but because of the blood thinners. I now see two of everything and find myself bumping into things as I walk down the hall. I have an incision extending from my armpit to my waste and another incision down my forearm requiring occupational therapy to get the range of motion back into my shoulder....both of which are also black and blue. In a nutshell I look and feel like a train wreck. I have notified Jason that I will not be leaving the house for months to come and by no means is anyone allowed to come inside our home unless I am locked away in our bedroom upstairs. And as for the Aerosmith concert in June, (did I just admit we have tickets?) he might as well start looking for someone else to go with him. My mind knows that in time things will look better, yet in my heart I am feeling defeated and hopeless. The ugliness I so wanted to go away with this surgery has manifested itself 100 times over. I am overcome with sadness and regret.
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4
During a hospital visit this week, my sister brought me a bag of reading materials. It included a new magazine called Life.Beautiful. It's subtitle is "Faith for your Journey." The first thing I think...no, I KNOW...I will do when I get home is to order a subscription to this magazine. It is inspiring, creative and filled with wonderful articles of faith. Today, I read an article called "Rebuilding Through Faith." It was in this article that I found this verse in James. It was the first part of this verse that gave me a reason for my suffering and a purpose during my battle with cancer. And now it is the last part of this verse that gives me hope. For in the last part of this verse I feel God lovingly nudging me to persevere through this time of pain, suffering and healing..and in the end I will be complete. Not only physically, but spiritually as well. And cancer will be behind me forever.
The goal is to be able to go home tomorrow. For that to happen I will need to have the staples removed from my back and the last drain removed from my incision. I am so looking forward to being at home in the comfort of my own bed with home cooked meals. Yes, I will miss the time I have spent attempting find the top 10 informercials ever played at 3:00 in the morning and the hospital's diet caffeine free coke that tastes like soap. But I am hoping that being surrounded by the love of my family will help me to focus on the good things in my life and heal the part of me that needs to be healed the most now....my confidence.
"Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever, is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable - if there is any moral excellence and if there is any praise - dwell on these things." Phillippians 4:8
Thank you again from the bottom of my heart for your prayers for me this past week. Each time I hear the amazement and surprise in the surgeon's voices as they talk about the success of the surgery, I smile quietly knowing it is because I had prayers being said on my behalf.