Friday, May 29, 2009
Monday, May 25, 2009
Friday, May 22, 2009
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
I grew up in a conservative Baptist home filled with love and faith. I am so thankful for the values my parents instilled in me. It is because of these values and faith, along with the love from family and friends, that I am able to get through what is the most difficult time in my life.
Many of my memories also include a lot of gospel music especially from the Gaither Family musical group. Yes, they sing old time gospel and you may or may not like this type of music. But, for me it has a special place in my heart and the music ministers to me in more ways than one. The Gaither Family is very special to my Dad's side of the family. I can remember my grandparents watching their videos and listening to their music even in their passing. They ministered to my Grandma, who had Alzheimers. She didn't know who any of us were, but she still clung to those Gaither videos. To this day, we find ourselves sitting together as a family: my family, my Aunt, my Uncle, my cousins, my kids, watching those videos or listening to the music as we are spending time together up North.
Today, I received a great e-mail from my Aunt Sandy. She sent me one of their songs and highlighted some of her favorite lyrics. I quickly downloaded it from iTunes and listened to it. It moved me to tears. It has become my anthem...my promise that if I shall live through this..this is how I will live my life. For the things said in this song are what I am learning about...what is most important in life. And I especially love the title of the song "I Then Shall Live."
This title has confirmed many verses that I have been reading lately in Psalms. Verses that God has given me when I am down or desperate. And there has been a common phrase in each of these verses...PRESERVE MY LIFE. So this morning, I decided to research this phrase and I found it to be common throughout the book of Psalm. Because of the verses that God has given to me, I am going to choose to believe he is going to PRESERVE MY LIFE and heal me. I would like to share some of these verses with you.
First, consider the definition of Preserve. It is as follows: To cover or shield from danger or injury; to defend; to guard; to preserve safety; as a father protects his children.
Psalms 41:1-4 "Blessed is he who has regard for the weak; the Lord delivers him in times of trouble. The Lord will protect him and PRESERVE HIS LIFE; he will bless him in the land and not surrender him to the desire of his foes. The Lord will sustain him on his sickbed and restore him from his bed of illness. I said, "O Lord, have mercy on me, heal me, for I have sinned against you."
Psalms 143:7-11 "Answer me quickly, O Lord; my spirit fails. Do not hide your face from me or I will be like those who go down to the pit. Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for you I life up my soul. Rescue me from my enemies, O Lord, for I hide myself in you. Teach me to do your will, for you are my God; may your good Spirit lead me on level ground. For your name's sake, O Lord, PRESERVE MY LIFE; in your righteousness, bring me out of trouble."
Psalms 138:7-8 'Though I walk in the midst of trouble, your PRESERVE MY LIFE; you stretch out your hand against the anger of my foes, with your right hand you save me. The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, O Lord endures forever-do not abandon the works of your hands."
I have put a video of the Gaither's singing the song my Aunt sent me on this blog. The words are described below. It is a great song. Please take the time to watch to it...even if gospel isn't your thing.
I am feeling a little better today. Yesterday, I took the time to grieve and to express my anger about all of the pain and suffering I have been experience and will experience through radiation. I am very scared about what is to come, but I am trying to cling to the promise God has given me in the verses above and in this song. Thank you for sharing this journey with me.
I then shall live as one who’s been forgiven;
I’ll walk with joy to know my debts are paid.
I know my name is clear before my Father;
I am His child, and I am not afraid.
So greatly pardoned, I’ll forgive my brother,
The law of love I gladly will obey.
I then shall live as one who’s learned compassion;
I’ve been so loved that I’ll risk loving too.
I know how fear builds walls instead of bridges;
I’ll dare to see another’s point of view.
And when relationship demand commitment,
Then I’ll be there to care and follow through.
Your kingdom come around and through and in me;
Your power and glory, let them shine through me;
Your Hallowed name, O may I bear with honor,
And may You living Kingdom come in me.
The Bread of Life, O may I share with honor,
And may You feed a hungry world through me.
Amen. Amen. Amen.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Monday, May 11, 2009
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Friday, May 8, 2009
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Monday, May 4, 2009
Sunday, May 3, 2009
These past couple of days I have found myself randomly breaking down and crying. No, sobbing. I haven't quite understood why, what it all meant...until now. I recently, downloaded an old traditional hymn titled "I Surrender All". As I meditated on the words to the song, I realized I had truly not surrendered everything to God. My life, the outcome of my healing, the security of my family and kids. I have not fully put my trust in God, partially, but not fully. I was still clinging to my own understanding, clinging to the need for control in my life and as a result it was causing so much stress and tension. My back was aching and my heart was pounding. Like an addict going through withdrawl, my body started to purge the need for control in my life. I needed to surrender it ALL. I AM NOT IN CONTROL. I can't control this thing. Lord, I am on my knees, humbly before you. I am finally surrendering it all. I am asking you to HEAL me Lord. Allow me to stay with my kids, with Jason honoring you the rest of my days.
All to Jesus, I surrender;
All to Him I freely give;
I will ever love and trust Him,
In His presence daily live.
I surrender all, I surrender all,
All to Thee, my blessèd Savior,
I surrender all.
All to Jesus I surrender;
Humbly at His feet I bow,
Worldly pleasures all forsaken;
Take me, Jesus, take me now.
All to Jesus, I surrender;
Make me, Savior, wholly Thine;
Let me feel the Holy Spirit,
Truly know that Thou art mine.
All to Jesus, I surrender;
Lord, I give myself to Thee;
Fill me with Thy love and power;
Let Thy blessing fall on me.
All to Jesus I surrender;
Now I feel the sacred flame.
O the joy of full salvation!
Glory, glory, to His Name!
These past few days have been wonderful! I am nausea free and getting my energy back. I was able to get out and exercise a little yesterday by going for walk and enjoying the beautiful weather. The only side effects I am battling now are poor circulation in my feet and hands, minor aches and pains and an unusual rapid pounding heart rate. It has been difficult to sleep at night due to my heart rate. I went to the doctor on Friday for an EKG to make sure everything was OK. The doctor said it was normal, but different from the last time I had an EKG so they are sending me for an echocardiogram on Monday. This has been stressing me out and I am hoping it is just another side effect of all of the drugs and medications. This combined with the waiting to see if the first round had an affect on the tumor has made it difficult, once again, to just surrender it all and let go. I pray that everything will be just fine and that I can experience peace over the next days before round two.