Today, I also had my first meeting with the Radiation Oncologist. An appointment I have been avoiding because I knew that it would be a hard one to go to. After this cycle of chemo, I will begin chemo/radiation...the worst is yet to come. Just when I thought it was bad enough. Radiation will make chemo seem like a breeze. The Radiation Oncologist went through the process and the side effects that will take place. It will be radiation every day for 7 weeks straight. On top of that they will continue to give me chemotherapy. The radiation has to be very precise because of where the tumor is located. I have one of the most difficult cases because it is in the orbit of my eye and in my face. So much damage can happen from radiation and may happen including losing the eye sight in my right eye, hearing in my right ear, nerve damage, severe burns, dried up saliva glands, extreme sores in mouth, damaged taste buds, thyroid damage and on and on. And the list literally goes on. They said it will be very tough, but I will get through it. I immediately wanted to walk right out of there and say I am done, no more. How can one even do this? How can one endure so much pain and suffering? Especially when there is no guarantee in the end. I don't want to go through all of this hard work and then end up not surviving. And all the time that I could have spent with my family was wasted. It is very overwhelming, too much to handle. I am still trying to process it all and not sure how I will ever get the strength to do it. I am already emotionally and physically spent after this second round of chemo.
Lord, I am at a loss. I am so tired, so weak. So done. I want to live. I want to survive this for Jason, for my kids. But at times, it is just so overwhelming. Why do I have to go through all of this pain and suffering? Why is this happening to me? I am on my knees with my hands to you...praying for your healing. Praying that you would spare me a lot of the horrible side effects from the radiation. Praying you would save my eye. Pray for wisdom for the doctors. Praying for strength..for me, Jason, our parents, the girls. Praying that you would keep my body strong. Praying for some encouragement...an answer to all of this. Because it is only through you that I will be able to do this. And I need you now more than ever God.