Tuesday, May 19, 2009

The Worst Is Yet To Come...

I am slowly coming out of the abyss.  It is taking a lot longer this time, but each day gets better.  It has been a rough few days.  I am not bouncing back as quickly from this round of chemotherapy.  The nausea and heartburn have been unbearable.  My kidneys are not functioning properly so I have been going back to the clinic frequently get IV fluids.  

Today, I also had my first meeting with the Radiation Oncologist.  An appointment I have been avoiding because I knew that it would be a hard one to go to.  After this cycle of chemo, I will begin chemo/radiation...the worst is yet to come.  Just when I thought it was bad enough.  Radiation will make chemo seem like a breeze.  The Radiation Oncologist went through the process and the side effects that will take place.  It will be radiation every day for 7 weeks straight.  On top of that they will continue to give me chemotherapy.  The radiation has to be very precise because of where the tumor is located. I have one of the most difficult cases because it is in the orbit of my eye and in my face.  So much damage can happen from radiation and may happen including losing the eye sight in my right eye, hearing in my right ear, nerve damage, severe burns, dried up saliva glands, extreme sores in mouth, damaged taste buds, thyroid damage and on and on.  And the list literally goes on. They said it will be very tough, but I will get through it.  I immediately wanted to walk right out of there and say I am done, no more.  How can one even do this?  How can one endure so much pain and suffering?  Especially when there is no guarantee in the end.  I don't want to go through all of this hard work and then end up not surviving.  And all the time that I could have spent with my family was wasted.  It is very overwhelming, too much to handle.  I am still trying to process it all and not sure how I will ever get the strength to do it.  I am already emotionally and physically spent after this second round of chemo.  

Lord, I am at a loss.  I am so tired, so weak.  So done.  I want to live.  I want to survive this for Jason, for my kids.   But at times, it is just so overwhelming.  Why do I have to go through all of this pain and suffering?  Why is this happening to me?  I am on my knees with my hands to you...praying for your healing.  Praying that you would spare me a lot of the horrible side effects from the radiation.  Praying you would save my eye.  Pray for wisdom for the doctors.  Praying for strength..for me, Jason, our parents, the girls.  Praying that you would keep my body strong.  Praying for some encouragement...an answer to all of this. Because it is only through you that I will be able to do this.  And I need you now more than ever God. 

Sue

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

Sue -

We have been following your blog and thinking/praying for you constantly. You are not going through this alone. We are all behind you.

I remember writing on Mac's blog nearly eight years ago about childhood story, The Little Engine That Could. It may sound silly but you need to keep telling yourself over and over "I Think I Can, I Think I Can, I Think I Can". Just like in the end of that story, your ending will have you saying "I Thought I Could"!

You WILL beat this! Stay strong! Stay positive!

Love,

The Walters

Connie said...

Sue,
You know all the slogans: "One day at a time," one treatment at a time, one hour at a time, etc. They're all still true. Don't think of it as SEVEN WEEKS. Think of it as ONE DAY, or ONE HOUR. Think of your girls and how they laugh when they play. Think positive thoughts. That's how I get through the nasty times. I'm praying for you every day. You WILL figure out how to do this. I just know it!
Love and Blessings,

connie stephens

Anonymous said...

Jeremiah 29:11 (The Message)

"I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for."

A praying friend,

Nancy London

Anonymous said...

Sue,
I have to admit that I am crying right now as I read this. I cannot believe what you are about to go through, but I also know you are so strong and have so many people praying for you that you will get through. I wish I could give you a hug right now or somehow try to ease some of this pain for you.

Love you,
Suzie

Anonymous said...

Sue,

Your courage, strength, and faith are such a source of encouragement for me. You have done so well up to this point...hang in there! I know without a doubt that you'll persevere through this as well. God is in total control (I know you know that!), and His plans will use this for good in some way, even though we may not see that now.

As us Trojans at SC say, "Fight on!"

Love & Prayers,
Jennie K.

Anonymous said...

Sue,
We are friends of your Aunt Linda and Uncle Mark's. We have been praying for you and your family each day! God has blessed us with a robin that is nesting under our eaves for the first time ever. Each day that we see this beautiful robin, we are reminded of you and pray for God's strength and healing!!
Corrie Ten Boom wrote a book called "The Hiding Place." Corrie and her sister Betsie lived in a Nazi concentration camp and Betsie used to say that, "No pit is too deep, that God's love is deeper still!!" God's love will help and sustain you through the difficult days that are ahead for you! We will be in constant prayer for you and your family!
Prayers sent up from WIS,
Debbie&Craig&Girls

Anonymous said...

Sue,

Don't give up! You can make it through because you are strong even when your body feels weak. You are in our thoughts...