These past couple of days I have been a bit down. I am not feeling as positive about my situation as I have been over the past couple of weeks. I am sure some of this has to do with the fact that chemotherapy is starting again tomorrow. But the majority of it has to do with the little bumps in the road that I have been experiencing lately, like the blood clots. It is hard enough to deal with the emotions and fear that come along with cancer. It is overwhelming at times. I am barely hanging on. So adding further complications, like blood clots, makes it too hard to handle. I have become angry with God these past couple of days...asking him why things just can't go smoothly. Why give me more to fear...give me more to worry about? Isn't cancer enough? Now blood clots? What is next?
This past week was filled with so many tests, scans and visits to the hospital. It makes me feel so sick...so fragile. I am surrounded by so many people, fighting their own battles with cancer or other health issues. It is hard to remain positive. I often leave my appointments feeling scared. Today, I had an appointment with my Oncologist. While the chemotherapy is working, the cancer is still in the orbit of my eye. This is the one thing that is holding the surgeons back from performing surgery. If the cancer does not come out of the orbit of my eye after this round of chemo, then I will be having radiation and chemotherapy to continue the attempt to shrink this tumor. It just is never simple. It just seems to always be complicated. Why God...why does it have to be in the orbit of my eye?
Fear is starting to overcome me again. I am afraid of dying. Afraid of these blood clots. Afraid of the chemo. Afraid this is never going to end. When I get scared, I often call my Dad and he is quick to remind me that my fear is a result of me trying to take control again. You need to let go and let God, he says. I know, I know, I know, I say.
But I really don't know, yet. I am working hard on it. Working hard on letting go. Letting go of wanting to control everything in my life. To completely trust God with everything. I read an amazing story in my devotional book the other day that was a slap in my face. It made me realize I have a long way to go with completely trusting God. The story is titled "Trust God More Than Yourself" and it is as follows:
"Believe in the Lord Jesus Christ [give yourself up to Him, take yourself out of your own keeping and entrust yourself into His keeping] and you will be saved." Acts 16:31
This is what Paul and Silas told the Philippian jailer who asked them "What must I do to be saved?" This is what salvation really means - giving ourselves up to God, taking ourselves out of our own keeping, and entrusting ourselves into His keeping. God wants to take care of us. He can do a much better job of that if we will avoid a problem called independence, which is really self-care. The desire to take care of ourselves is based on fear. Basically, it stems from the idea that if we do it, we can be sure it will be done right. We are afraid of what might happen if we entrust ourselves totally to God and He doesn't "come through" for us. The root problem of independence is trusting ourselves more than we trust God. We love to have a back-up plan. We may pray and ask God to get involved in our lives, but if He is the least bit slow in responding (at least, to our way of thinking), we are quick to take control back into our own hands. What we fail to realize is, God has a plan for us too - and His plan is much better than ours. - From New Day, New You by Joyce Meyer
This story describes me to a tee! I am so quick to take control back into my own hands when things are not going the way I expect them to. I started to do this ever since I learned about the blood clots. Things have not been going as smoothly as I want them and I am starting to feel that God will not come through for me. The end result...I am afraid. Fear is starting to overcome me again.
Please pray for me to be able to completely trust in God...trust in his ability to heal. For me to have peace going into this next round of chemotherapy. That there will not be anymore bumps in the road. And if there are, that I will not react they way I have been...wanting to control.
I do feel comfort knowing you all are out there praying for me. I thank you all from the bottom of my heart for the support you have given to me and my family.