Monday, May 11, 2009

Control Freak

These past couple of days I have been a bit down.  I am not feeling as positive about my situation as I have been over the past couple of weeks.  I am sure some of this has to do with the fact that chemotherapy is starting again tomorrow. But the majority of it has to do with the little bumps in the road that I have been experiencing lately, like the blood clots.  It is hard enough to deal with the emotions and fear that come along with cancer.  It is overwhelming at times.  I am barely hanging on.  So adding further complications, like blood clots, makes it too hard to handle.  I have become angry with God these past couple of days...asking him why things just can't go smoothly.  Why give me more to fear...give me more to worry about?  Isn't cancer enough?  Now blood clots?  What is next? 

This past week was filled with so many tests, scans and visits to the hospital.  It makes me feel so fragile.  I am surrounded by so many people, fighting their own battles with cancer or other health issues.  It is hard to remain positive.  I often leave my appointments feeling scared.  Today, I had an appointment with my Oncologist.  While the chemotherapy is working, the cancer is still in the orbit of my eye.  This is the one thing that is holding the surgeons back from performing surgery.  If the cancer does not come out of the orbit of my eye after this round of chemo, then I will be having radiation and chemotherapy to continue the attempt to shrink this tumor.  It just is never simple.  It just seems to always be complicated.  Why God...why does it have to be in the orbit of my eye?  

Fear is starting to overcome me again.  I am afraid of dying.  Afraid of these blood clots.  Afraid of the chemo.  Afraid this is never going to end.  When I get scared, I often call my Dad and he is quick to remind me that my fear is a result of me trying to take control again.  You need to let go and let God, he says.  I know, I know, I know, I say.

But I really don't know, yet.  I am working hard on it.  Working hard on letting go.  Letting go of wanting to control everything in my life.  To completely trust God with everything.  I read an amazing story in my devotional book the other day that was a slap in my face.  It made me realize I have a long way to go with completely trusting God.  The story is titled "Trust God More Than Yourself" and it is as follows:

"Believe in the Lord Jesus Christ [give yourself up to Him, take yourself out of your own keeping and entrust yourself into His keeping] and you will be saved."  Acts 16:31

This is what Paul and Silas told the Philippian jailer who asked them "What must I do to be saved?"  This is what salvation really means - giving ourselves up to God, taking ourselves out of our own keeping, and entrusting ourselves into His keeping.  God wants to take care of us. He can do a much better job of that if we will avoid a problem called independence, which is really self-care.  The desire to take care of ourselves is based on fear.  Basically, it stems from the idea that if we do it, we can be sure it will be done right.  We are afraid of what might happen if we entrust ourselves totally to God and He doesn't "come through" for us.  The root problem of independence is trusting ourselves more than we trust God.  We love to have a back-up plan.  We may pray and ask God to get involved in our lives, but if He is the least bit slow in responding (at least, to our way of thinking), we are quick to take control back into our own hands.  What we fail to realize is, God has a plan for us too - and His plan is much better than ours. -  From New Day, New You by Joyce Meyer

This story describes me to a tee!  I am so quick to take control back into my own hands when things are not going the way I expect them to.  I started to do this ever since I learned about the blood clots.  Things have not been going as smoothly as I want them and I am starting to feel that God will not come through for me.  The end result...I am afraid.  Fear is starting to overcome me again.  

Please pray for me to be able to completely trust in in his ability to heal.  For me to have peace going into this next round of chemotherapy.  That there will not be anymore bumps in the road.  And if there are, that I will not react they way I have been...wanting to control.

I do feel comfort knowing you all are out there praying for me.  I thank you all from the bottom of my heart for the support you have given to me and my family. 


Anonymous said...

I am continuing to pray for you and thank you for your honesty. It is nice to know your specific requests and the things you are struggling with and would like prayer for.

I also wanted to let you know your Mother's Day post was wonderful and made me appreciate my mom even more for all that we've been through together. Mother's are truly amazing, and I know I always loved to watch you with Kendall and Mackenzie and to hear them talk about you and the things you do together. Your love for them is evident, and those two beautiful girls are truly a blessing!

1 Peter 5:7-"Cast all your anxiety on him for he cares for you."

Love and Prayers,

Anonymous said...

Dear Sue

Your blog posts have become my daily devotional. Each entry brings me to tears and to my knees in prayer. I pray you will be healed, that all of your prayers are answered, but most of all I pray for God's will in your life. Your faith is such an inspiration and thru it all your honesty is what I most am drawn to. He is using you for His glory, even in this dark hour. As Pastor Joel reminded us in his sermon, God doesn't always deliver you FROM the furnace, but He always delivers you IN the furnace. May God continue to hold and keep you... may you always feel His hand upon you... may He give you strength...
Charla Melby (Kelly's friend)

Anonymous said...

I found a verse yesterday that God nudged me to share with you:

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name, Susan Marie, you are mine. When you pass thorugh the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass thorugh the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Holy One of Israel, your SAVIOR!

Isaiah 43: 1-3

God's words are true. Cling to them!!! We love you and are praying for peace. . .

Rich & Cheri & kids

Anonymous said...


You are strong -- only someone strong would be able to share such an experience as this so intimately with those she cares about through this blog. You can overcome all of this!


Anonymous said...

Dear Sue,

Your mother-in law sent me your blog address. We were unaware of your cancer. The tears are flowing knowing what you have been going through. You are strong and you will beat this cancer. I have a friend I tell that to all the time. And she is strong just like you. You will be in our thoughts and prayers everyday. God does listen, in many different ways. Stay strong and Take care.

Mr. & Mrs. Mobes.

Anonymous said...

Completely surrendering to God is hard. I will continue to pray the God will lead people to you to be your encouragers and that you will be able to completely cast all of your fears and anxiety and control away. When God is is control of our lives, we can live out HIS plan for us. Thank you for being so honest so that I know how to pray you through this situation. Take care today.

Anonymous said...

His mercies are new every morning! He only wants you to take this one day at a time. Don't look too far ahead where fear can take hold. Start each day surrending the day to Him and His grace will be sufficient for you each & every day. It's so hard for all of us to take it one day at a time and not worry about the future. But He will provide what you need for each day. I have prayed for your anxiety to leave you and that you feel His peace & comfort. Your picture is beautiful of you with your sassy cap! :) Sending you lots of hugs & love!! Michelle A.

Anonymous said...

Ooops - guess I need to preview before posting. My word surrending in the post above you probably figured out is surrendering. I gave you a laugh for the day! Miss you! M.A.

Anonymous said...

i love you the new picture you posted. you look fantastic! cute as ever!!!!

Connie said...

The 23rd Psalm has always brought me comfort when I'm feeling low. I'm sure you know it. The words never fail me, and I hope they don't fail you:
"The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall now want..."
Trust in the Lord, and All Will Be Well.

connie stephens

Anonymous said...

One verse that is often a comfort to me is Romans 8:28. "And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose."

I have said it before on here, I really believe that you are going through this for a reason: perhaps to strengthen you and your family, perhaps to put you in a better position to help others endure similar struggles in the future, perhaps to give you new perspective, it could be any number of things.

But, when you boil it all down and come back to this verse, I think all things, including horrible ordeals like battling cancer, can work together for good for people like you Sue; people who love God and are called to his purpose.

Stay strong, Connie and Bella and I love you guys, pray for you, and think about you daily.

Derek, Connie, and Bella

Anonymous said...


Although I don't post a comment everyday, you are in my thoughts everyday. You are so strong to share your fears. You said in your Mother's Day post that it is an honor to be the girls' mom, but I want you to know that I think it is an honor to be your friend.

Love you,