Sunday, May 3, 2009

I Surrender All

These past couple of days I have found myself randomly breaking down and crying.  No, sobbing.   I haven't quite understood why, what it all meant...until now.  I recently, downloaded an old traditional hymn titled "I Surrender All".  As I meditated on the words to the song, I realized I had truly not surrendered everything to God.  My life, the outcome of my healing, the security of my family and kids.  I have not fully put my trust in God, partially, but not fully.  I was still clinging to my own understanding, clinging to the need for control in my life and as a result it was causing so much stress and tension.  My back was aching and my heart was pounding.  Like an addict going through withdrawl, my body started to purge the need for control in my life.  I needed to surrender it ALL.  I AM NOT IN CONTROL.  I can't control this thing.  Lord, I am on my knees, humbly before you.  I am finally surrendering it all.  I am asking you to HEAL me Lord.  Allow me to stay with my kids, with Jason honoring you the rest of my days.   

All to Jesus, I surrender;
All to Him I freely give;
I will ever love and trust Him,
In His presence daily live.

I surrender all, I surrender all,
All to Thee, my blessèd Savior,
I surrender all.

All to Jesus I surrender;
Humbly at His feet I bow,
Worldly pleasures all forsaken;
Take me, Jesus, take me now.

All to Jesus, I surrender;
Make me, Savior, wholly Thine;
Let me feel the Holy Spirit,
Truly know that Thou art mine.

All to Jesus, I surrender;
Lord, I give myself to Thee;
Fill me with Thy love and power;
Let Thy blessing fall on me.

All to Jesus I surrender;
Now I feel the sacred flame.
O the joy of full salvation!
Glory, glory, to His Name!

These past few days have been wonderful!  I am nausea free and getting my energy back.  I was able to get out and exercise a little yesterday by going for walk and enjoying the beautiful weather.  The only side effects I am battling now are poor circulation in my feet and hands, minor aches and pains and an unusual rapid pounding heart rate.  It has been difficult to sleep at night due to my heart rate.  I went to the doctor on Friday for an EKG to make sure everything was OK.  The doctor said it was normal, but different from the last time I had an EKG so they are sending me for an echocardiogram on Monday.  This has been stressing me out and I am hoping it is just another side effect of all of the drugs and medications.  This combined with the waiting to see if the first round had an affect on the tumor has made it difficult, once again, to just surrender it all and let go.  I pray that everything will be just fine and that I can experience peace over the next days before round two.


Anonymous said...

I admire you so much. You are so strong and honest. I am keeping you in my prayers. I read this Bible verse this morning and thought of you:

Romans 8:28-29 “And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. For those whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son, so that He would be the firstborn among many brethren;”

May you find peace and strength to let go and let God. May the next few days be all that you wish for.

Kellee Ablard

Anonymous said...

It's great to hear that you were able to get out and enjoy the sun! I enjoy reading your blog. Thank you for sharing.
I have discovered guided meditation helps to relax me into sleep. I don't even have to take the drugs for sleep anymore. Once less drug always makes me happy! I have a disc, if you want to make a copy.


Anonymous said...

It has been a blessing to me to read your blog and be on this journey with you. It helps me know how to pray for you and how to have others pray for you as well. In spite of having good days and bad days it seems like you have grown tremendously through this experience and God is truly using this to make you more like Christ. Hang in there Sue and just keep taking it one day at a time. I continuously pray for you and only wish I live closer so I could do more! Lauri

Anonymous said...

Thank you for being so honest and open about what you are going through. You remind me each and every day what it me F.R.O.G. as my kids say...fully rely on God. I continue to pray for healing for you Sue and that you can take each minute of the day as a new journey with God. He is there with you and will NEVER leave you! He promises that. It is not just in times of trials that we need to "frog" but at all times. Saying that and doing that are two very different things! I pray that you will feels God's amazing love and presence in your life today and know that you are loved!

Julie Dahl

Anonymous said...

The Lord is a Warrior, the Lord is His Name...

He will plead for you before the thrown, keep fighting and hold firm to his hand.

Steve Tuttle