I Surrender All

These past couple of days I have found myself randomly breaking down and crying.  No, sobbing.   I haven't quite understood why, what it all meant...until now.  I recently, downloaded an old traditional hymn titled "I Surrender All".  As I meditated on the words to the song, I realized I had truly not surrendered everything to God.  My life, the outcome of my healing, the security of my family and kids.  I have not fully put my trust in God, partially, but not fully.  I was still clinging to my own understanding, clinging to the need for control in my life and as a result it was causing so much stress and tension.  My back was aching and my heart was pounding.  Like an addict going through withdrawl, my body started to purge the need for control in my life.  I needed to surrender it ALL.  I AM NOT IN CONTROL.  I can't control this thing.  Lord, I am on my knees, humbly before you.  I am finally surrendering it all.  I am asking you to HEAL me Lord.  Allow me to stay with my kids, with Jason honoring you the rest of my days.   

All to Jesus, I surrender;
All to Him I freely give;
I will ever love and trust Him,
In His presence daily live.

I surrender all, I surrender all,
All to Thee, my blessèd Savior,
I surrender all.

All to Jesus I surrender;
Humbly at His feet I bow,
Worldly pleasures all forsaken;
Take me, Jesus, take me now.

All to Jesus, I surrender;
Make me, Savior, wholly Thine;
Let me feel the Holy Spirit,
Truly know that Thou art mine.

All to Jesus, I surrender;
Lord, I give myself to Thee;
Fill me with Thy love and power;
Let Thy blessing fall on me.

All to Jesus I surrender;
Now I feel the sacred flame.
O the joy of full salvation!
Glory, glory, to His Name!

These past few days have been wonderful!  I am nausea free and getting my energy back.  I was able to get out and exercise a little yesterday by going for walk and enjoying the beautiful weather.  The only side effects I am battling now are poor circulation in my feet and hands, minor aches and pains and an unusual rapid pounding heart rate.  It has been difficult to sleep at night due to my heart rate.  I went to the doctor on Friday for an EKG to make sure everything was OK.  The doctor said it was normal, but different from the last time I had an EKG so they are sending me for an echocardiogram on Monday.  This has been stressing me out and I am hoping it is just another side effect of all of the drugs and medications.  This combined with the waiting to see if the first round had an affect on the tumor has made it difficult, once again, to just surrender it all and let go.  I pray that everything will be just fine and that I can experience peace over the next days before round two.