Believing

Chemotherapy went surprisingly well yesterday.  I really felt at peace and had little anxiety. I know it is because of all of you that were praying for me.  I felt each and every one of your arms around me.  The infusion center is a much more positive environment than the hospital. There were people there just like me, a little healthier, and on the road to recovery.  People came and went exchanging hellos and hugs with nurses and staff.  It is definitely a family environment as everyone gets to know each other.  I will have no problem going back there again.  

Today, I am hooked up to the infusion pump which will run continuously through Sunday.  It has become my companion and goes with me everywhere I go.  It makes showering a little difficult, but I manage.  This morning I woke up feeling pretty good.  Just a little stiff from all of the IV fluids I was given with the chemo yesterday.  I feel like a marshmallow.  I was able to spend some time with Kendall as we worked on a few art projects together.  I think she really appreciated that time with mom.  She seems to cling to every moment we have with each other and this completely affects her mood the rest of the day.  Unfortunately Mackenzie is terribly sick and we have had to confine her to her room to protect myself and anyone else getting sick.  She is laying in bed watching movies and to be honest I think she is thoroughly enjoying it.  A nice break from school.  She needed it.  Please pray that she will get better quickly and that no one else will catch her cold.  I feel so bad that I can't give her any hugs and kisses right now.  When I am in her presence I need to wear a facemask.  

As of 10:00, my nausea is starting to kick in.  It isn't too bad yet, I anticipate it to be terrible tomorrow.  I am prepared to kick the nausea in the butt with the gazillions of meds they have given me.  I set up a med schedule on my computer so that when it is time to take a med it will alarm me.  The hardest part is that some of the medications can't be taken within a certain amount of time of another med so juggling it all gets difficult.  The important thing is that I stick with the schedule so the nausea does not get out of hand.  I have already sent Jason to get some bean burritos at Taco Bell for lunch.  Yum!

Today, my biggest fear I have right now is the fact the cancer is still in the orbit of my eye.  Stupid me decided to read the PET scan results while at the infusion center yesterday and it read that the cancer was in the interior and posterior of the orbit.  This was extremely concerning to me and I am worried that I might lose my eye or eye sight.  It never bothered me before, but reading the report made me realize this is more serious than I thought.  I want so badly to believe that God will take the cancer out of the orbit and out of my sinus. 

I want to share an e-mail my Dad sent me the other day that reminded of me the countless times I chose to believe God would take care of me and how he pulled me through some really difficult circumstance.  It was a great reminder of how mighty God is and that he does show mercy on us. If he chose to pull me through all the other battles I have faced in my life, why would he not do it now?  Here it is:

Dear Sue, 

After reading your blog, I recalled an experience you had and I observed years ago. It was an experience that I would never have put myself through. In this case, you were much braver than I was. You decided you wanted to go sky-diving. We went with you. You went up in a plane with your sky-diving expert. From the ground, you were up so high, the plane looked like a little spec in the sky. You strapped yourself into a harness which in turn was strapped to a person you had never met before. What happened to all the "what-if" questions?

• What if --- the harness broke?
• What if --- you became disconnected from the sky-diving expert?
• What if --- the expert lost consciousness?
• What if --- you lost consciousness?
• What if --- the plane lost power and started falling to the ground?
• What if --- the parachute didn't deploy?
• What if --- the reserve chute didn't deploy?

BUT YOU MADE A DECISION. You chose not to let your mind focus on any of these negative "what-if" thoughts. You chose to believe everything would be alright. You chose to put your faith and your life into the equipment you wore and to the ability of a human being (a stranger) to "do things right" such that you could live to see another day.

 

So what's changed?

• You're now a wife and a mother with a strong need to be there for your children. God understands that.
• You've experienced the heartbreak of a broken engagement. But God had a better plan for you. Jason is exceptional and he's an exceptional father for your kids.
• You've experienced the trauma of a car accident that could have ended your life or severely crippled you. But God was watching over you and you survived with minor injuries.
• You had complications in your first pregnancy, complications that could have terminated any chance of having a baby. But God carried you through that difficult time and you've survived two pregnancies.
• You've experienced the trauma of a childbirth where one child died and the other lived but under very difficult circumstances. But God was watching over you and MacKenzie and she survived many operations and months in the hospital. Now she's a beautiful girl who is full of joy, who has the ability to run and play, who has the ability to read and learn, and who has a future to look forward to.

Sue, the God of the universe, the one who created you and your loved ones, the God who loves you, cares for you, and protected you in the past. He wants the best for you. He is able to carry you through these circumstances. He wants you to trust Him, just as you trusted the sky-diving expert with your life. You, Sue, have a future and a hope because of God's love for you.  

Love, 

Dad

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declare the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  

Yesterday, I receive a beautiful gift from my neighbor.  She knit me a shawl.  A shawl unlike no other I have received.  It was a shawl that she knit while thinking of my future.  With every stitch, she imagined my future with Jason and the girls.  Little moments that would be special to me in the future.  This was the best encouragement I received these past couple of days.  I nearly sobbed because when going through cancer it is hard to think of the future.  It was so nice to hear someone could think of it for me.

This is a verse I came across this morning. Mark 9:23, "And Jesus said, [You say to Me], If You can do anything? [Why,] all things can be (are possible) to him who believes!"  Please pray for the cancer to get out of the orbit of my eye and sinus.  I think the doctors, and myself, will feel very relieved.  I am going to try to believe it will happen!

Love,

Sue