Wednesday, November 25, 2009

What I am Thankful For...

I am thankful for a wonderful husband who has stood by my side through sickness and health.
I am thankful for the hugs and kisses my sweet girls gave to me when I was feeling sick.
I am thankful for the hours my parents and in-laws spent traveling back and forth to care for me and my family this past year.
I am thankful for the time my sister spent laying in bed with me when I needed some company.
I am thankful for my Dad's experience with cancer that gave him an understanding that I desperately needed.
I am thankful for the cancer survivors that gave me courage and strength.
I am thankful for the anonymous group of women who sent me a variety of hats to wear on my bald head.
I am thankful for hats.
I am thankful for the ladies who made meals for me and my family while I was going through chemo and radiation.
I am thankful for food and the ability to eat.
I am thankful for the many flowers, gifts and cards that I received over these past months.
I am thankful for the doctors and nurses who had the wisdom to give me the best care possible.
I am thankful for eye sight.
I am thankful for a neighborhood filled with great friends.
I am thankful for great friends.
I am thankful for the capacity to love and show love.
I am thankful for the girls' teachers that were so supportive during the school year.
I am thankful for the many prayers that were said on my behalf.
I am thankful for the power of prayer.
I am thankful for God and his healing.
I am thankful the cancer is gone.

So many things to be thankful for this year! I have been blessed.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Time for change

For the past 8 months I have been carrying around a lot of stress and fear. This was all I knew since being diagnosed with cancer. Now that treatment is over, and I have been declared cancer free for now, it has been hard to let the stress and fear go. My body is still tense. Fear still occupies my thoughts. It is time for a new way of thinking and I am finding it hard to get there despite the good news. I feel a need to purge these feelings out of my body. Like a drug addict, I need go through rid of all the feelings I have been keeping inside of me for a long time. It is time to relax and enjoy life again. I am trying to figure out how to do it, but have not yet succeeded.

I am working hard to place all of my trust in God to keep me cancer free. To completely understand that he gave me the gift of life again and that I can revel in that joy. To not be afraid that the cancer will come back. That is a fear I will probably have for quite some time until over time the tests continue to come back negative. I think I am now entering the hardest part of living with this disease.

I am excited to be able to celebrate the holidays! And it will be a big celebration with new meaning. I will cherish this time of year more than I ever have. I will be more thankful on Thanksgiving. And I will value the true meaning of Christmas. This weekend we are going to take a trip to Chicago as a family. We are going to spend much needed time enjoying each other and having fun together without the stress of cancer. Something that we have not been able to do for quite some time.

If you can, please continue to keep me in your prayers. I have always struggled with fear and I don't want to let the fear of the cancer coming back occupy my mind. I want to live with confidence that I will be OK. This is going to be a big challenge. And please pray that the biopsy in 4 weeks will come back clean again.

There is power in prayer. I am living proof. THANK YOU!!!!


Friday, November 13, 2009

A miracle has happened!

Today, God showed himself to me again. I received a miracle. My Surgical Oncologist called today to inform me that the initial pathology reports were wrong. The cells they found were NOT cancerous. Further testing showed NO cancer. There were seven biopsies done in my sinuses and they were all cancer free! I was shocked! I could not believe it. I am still in a state of disbelief. No surgery as of now. The doctor wants to biopsy again in 4 weeks to be sure, but as of now I am cancer free. This makes me a little nervous, but this is where I just have to trust God and lay all of my worries at his feet.

These past couple of days have been extremely tough for me. I was so angry and could not understand what God was trying to do. I was so afraid for the surgery and the possibility of loosing my eye. I was more scared than I was before chemo and radiation. I had so many emotions going on at the same time that I could not communicate to my loved ones how I felt. It was so overwhelming. I cried and cried. We prayed and prayed especially for the protection of my eye.

This morning I woke up to find my right eye dialated. It was very scary. I thought for sure it was the end of the road for my eye. That the cancer had finally found its way in. They had me immediately go to an Opthomologist to have it checked out. After a thorough examination the doctor determined that the patch they had placed behind my ear to prevent nausea after surgery caused the dialation. I guess it is very common. And she also determined that my eye had no damage from radiation. It was a good as could be.

As soon as we got home and we pulled into the garage, my dad came out with the phone. My doctor was needing to talk to me. He said he had more good news! No cancer!

Yes, this has been a crazy couple of weeks. A lot of ups and downs. I thank all of you for riding this rollercoaster with me. I thank you for all of your prayers, support and love. In four weeks, I hope to give you all good news again. Hallelujah!

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

I have...

I have anger.
I have hopelessness.
I have fear.
I have questions.
I have disappointment.
I have a hard road ahead.
I still have cancer.


Surgery will be the next step and it is not going to be an easy one. It will be a procedure that will take all day. Incisions will be made in my face to remove the cancer. Massive reconstruction will be done to repair it. I will be in Intensive Care for 3 days with my entire stay lasting up to 10 days. If the cancer is still in the orbit of my eye, they will have to take out my eye. I will know more on Friday.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Biopsy Tomorrow

It has been a long week and a half. Waiting for the biopsy tomorrow has been agonizing. I think the anticipation for the biopsy has been worse than my anticipation was for my scans. I have received good news - the scans were negative. There is hope the cancer is gone. I am scared that tomorrow this good news and hope will be stripped away. I have had a taste of what it is like to be able to move on with my life. I will be devastated if my life will be put on hold again. I just want this all to be over.

My surgery is scheduled for 1:50 tomorrow. Please pray that surgery will go smoothly and that I will be able to handle whatever news the biopsy might bring. I will share the news with you as soon as I can!


Tuesday, November 3, 2009


I had my appointment with the Oncologist on Monday. It sounds like a lot is weighing on the results of my biopsy taking place on November 11th. It may have been too soon to say cancer free.

I am scared again and I hate all of this waiting. I am hoping and praying the negative scans were accurate.

This is the last hurdle we need to get over. If the biopsy is negative then we should be in the clear. The Surgical Oncologist will also attempt to fix my right ear during surgery as well. Hoping whatever he will do will be painless and help my hearing.

Please don't stop praying yet!!!