This morning I was spending some time reading my Bible and I was reminded of why I am having the feelings of doubt and hopelessness. I was given the verse of Romans 15:13 "May the God of your hope so fill you with all joy and peace in believing [through the experience of your faith] that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound and be overflowing with hope." My lack of hope lately is a result in me doubting God. Doubting God's unconditional love and his purpose in my life. Doubting his power to heal.
Recently, a friend sent me a link to an online devotional that she uses on a daily basis. I ignored it for some time until I felt a nudge to check it out. The daily devotional for the day was about David and his divine confidence. He rested on nothing less than the Lord's work. David's confidence rested on not what he had done, nor what he resolved to do, but entirely on what the Lord would do. The devotional reminded me that during this battle with cancer I may give up the battle in despair; but thanks be to God, He will complete that which concerns me and bring me to the desired haven. I can never be too confident when I confide in Him alone, and never too eager to have such a trust. Psalm 138:8 "The Lord will fulfill His purpose for me."
Why can't I just believe that God does not want to harm me and wants to give me a hope and a future? This week I am going to try to check my believing so that I can experience the joy and peace that faith brings. I have to believe God's purpose will be to heal me and to let me be a Mom to my girls and a wife to Jason for a long time. That my time here on earth is not over.
Tomorrow, I will be heading to the eye doctor for an special examination that will be checking my peripheral vision and depth perception. The Radiation Oncologist wanted me to have my eyes examined before radiation begins so they will be able to track any change in my vision. The eye doctor did a routine examination and the results were good. However, the doctor wanted to do the extra tests to make sure the cancer has not affected any of the nerves in the back of my eye that would affect more than just the vision. On Thursday, I will be having another MRI and PET scan to determine the effectiveness of this last round of chemo. I am praying that the cancer will no longer be in the orbit of my eye. I am still fighting the cold and I am hoping it will be gone within the next couple of days. I am worried that if I cannot shake it, that it will affect the treatment next week. While I am not looking forward to beginning radiation, I do not want to delay any sort of treatment. Please pray that this cold will go away and for positive scan results! And pray that I will start to believe!