Monday, May 25, 2009


These past couple of days I have been struggling with believing...believing in God's plan for me.   Believing in God's purpose for my life.  My faith is shaken and I am starting to doubt. I am scared of the outcome. Scared that this cancer will never go away.  The waiting is difficult.  The anticipation of what the results of the next scans will be is awful.   I have been doing the best I can to take one day at a time and enjoy the break from treatment.  But it is hard when radiation, scans and more chemo is looming over me.  I have been in a "funk" and just wish I could feel a sense of calm and peace this week.  

This morning I was spending some time reading my Bible and I was reminded of why I am having the feelings of doubt and hopelessness.  I was given the verse of Romans 15:13 "May the God of your hope so fill you with all joy and peace in believing [through the experience of your faith] that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound and be overflowing with hope."  My lack of hope lately is a result in me doubting God.  Doubting God's unconditional love and his purpose in my life.  Doubting his power to heal.  

Recently, a friend sent me a link to an online devotional that she uses on a daily basis. I ignored it for some time until I felt a nudge to check it out. The daily devotional for the day was about David and his divine confidence.  He rested on nothing less than the Lord's work. David's confidence rested on not what he had done, nor what he resolved to do, but entirely on what the Lord would do.  The devotional reminded me that during this battle with cancer I may give up the battle in despair; but thanks be to God, He will complete that which concerns me and bring me to the desired haven.  I can never be too confident when I confide in Him alone, and never too eager to have such a trust.  Psalm 138:8 "The Lord will fulfill His purpose for me."

Why can't I just believe that God does not want to harm me and wants to give me a hope and a future?  This week I am going to try to check my believing so that I can experience the joy and peace that faith brings.  I have to believe God's purpose will be to heal me and to let me be a Mom to my girls and a wife to Jason for a long time.  That my time here on earth is not over.  

Tomorrow, I will be heading to the eye doctor for an special examination that will be checking my peripheral vision and depth perception.  The Radiation Oncologist wanted me to have my eyes examined before radiation begins so they will be able to track any change in my vision. The eye doctor did a routine examination and the results were good.  However, the doctor wanted to do the extra tests to make sure the cancer has not affected any of the nerves in the back of my eye that would affect more than just the vision.  On Thursday, I will be having another MRI and PET scan to determine the effectiveness of this last round of chemo.  I am praying that the cancer will no longer be in the orbit of my eye.  I am still fighting the cold and I am hoping it will be gone within the next couple of days.  I am worried that if I cannot shake it, that it will affect the treatment next week.  While I am not looking forward to beginning radiation, I do not want to delay any sort of treatment.  Please pray that this cold will go away and for positive scan results!  And pray that I will start to believe!



Connie said...

For what it's worth: I think you shouldn't beat yourself up too much for having doubts. Who wouldn't? Remember that YOU are a child of God, and your thoughts are those that God is aware of.
When I'm feeling low, I find that the 23rd Psalm comforts me in so many ways. May it do the same for you.
We prayed for you yesterday at Whig Church. Know that you are in the hearts and minds of many people you don't even know. They care about you, and they also have faith in the Lord.

Anonymous said...

Dearest Sue,

I'm so sorry this week has been sad for you. If it's any consolation, we ALL struggle with doubts! I used to believe that faith was like a muscle, and that I had to flex it (pushing aside all doubts) in order to receive God's blessings. But Hebrews 12:2 says, "Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith."

And Romans 10:17 says, "Faith comes from hearing, and hearing from the Word of God."

So when we struggle with doubts all we can do is fix our eyes on Jesus, and soak up the Scriptures with everything we've got. And Jesus will make the most of our mustard seed offerings.

I love the story in Mark chapter 9 where the father brings his son to Jesus, begging Jesus to heal his precious child, and Jesus challenges the dad's faith. The worry-sick father gives an honest answer, "Lord, I believe, help my unbelief."

The dad admits that he believes AND he doubts. Both. And Jesus heals the little boy anyway. Thanks be to God!!!

You are so loved, Sue. Swim in the scriptures, and in Spirit-filled music, and rest in the arms of the One who carries you.



Anonymous said...

I will continue to pray for healing for you. I pray your eye appointment goes well and your cold improves so that yur treatment is not delayed. The ememy knows that you are a child of God and he wants us to have doubts especially when we are drawing close to the Lord. He will attack us in whatever way he can to cause doubt. Psalm 86:7 says In the day of my trouble I will call for you, for you will answer me. The Lord loves you very much and will see you through this time safely for you are in His care. I will also be praying that this feeling of unbelieving will not continue.
Maryann Raese

Anonymous said...


I believe I have only have met you once at a U of MN Gopher event but I was a friend of Jason's at the U. I have been following your blog and I am praying for you daily to beat this cancer. You are a strong women with so much faith in God. Please tell Jason hello from Paula (Lieser) South.

Susan said...

Doubting is completely normal (lack of a better word). We all go through that whether it be for medical issues or something else. As some have said above, Satan knows where to attack....but you are battling back with the strongest weapon, the Bible. Keep in the word as you are. Keep praying, keep hanging on....I love the footprints in the sand poem...when you can't....HE WILL.

Anonymous said...

We will pray specifically for your eye, your scans this week, and your cold. I continue to be amazed at your homesty and also, the wisdom that comes from your friends and family. I surely observe spiritual depth in both your comments and the other comments I read. Thank you for the lesson in faith for me that I encounter when I read your whole blog. Barbara in Texas

Anonymous said...

We will pray for God's favor on you tomorrow and in the days to come as you have your scans and anticipate the results. We will also be praying for you to find comfort and peace in knowing that God's perfet will for you will play out in your life. You are doing exactly what you need to do when you doubt...continue to look to the Word of God to strengthen you. Take care Sue!
Julie Dahl

Anonymous said...

Hi Sue and family. You have a right to struggle and it is certainly OK to lose sight of that fleeting Hope. I can tell you this, looking forward is only as strong as all of God's promises of yesterday. It is so true when people say "count your blessings, name them one by one, count your blessings and
see what God has done . . . ". It is our past and all God has brought us through, the little and the big things that propels us to look forward with confidence. Your body may be weak, but your mind is strong. Count your blessings Sue and let that be your confidence for today. God never asks us to worry about tomorrow, only trust Him for today. It is enough.
Love & Prayers to you all, Cindi & family.