I never thought I would say this...I miss the bandage on my face. Yes, I do. It did draw attention to my face and as a result I got a lot of stares. But at the same time, it hid the deformities in my face. People only saw my bandage...they did not see the scars and disfigurement as a result of my surgeries. Unfortunately, the stares are still there. I am having a hard time dealing with the way my face is looking. I am not sure if it is something my surgeons can or will fix in the future. Right now I just need to wait and see how I heal. All I know is that I am not sure I can live like this the rest of my life. When out in public, I often walk looking down at floor. If I am outside, I am quick to put on sunglasses which provide a great cover for my face. I look at other peoples' faces with envy...never before have I noticed how many beautiful people are out there. What I wouldn't give to have my face back.
I know I should not let my face bother me. I should be thankful that I am cancer free. However, this is easier said than done. It is not easy to look different in today's world...to try and fit in and feel normal when there is something wrong with the way you look. I am trying hard to remind myself that what is most important is inner beauty and not outer beauty. A lesson I often teach my girls...and now I need to teach it to myself.
So far, my face is staying in tact and there are no signs of any more holes...for this I am thankful. My lower eyelid is drooping a little more than it used to, but it doesn't seem to be getting any worse. My face is a little more caved in under my eye since the bone was removed. This makes the bone that was transplanted in my cheek to be more prominent. I am hoping that some day the surgeons will either be able to shave the transplanted bone down or add some tissue underneath the skin under my eye to even my face out.
One thing I am most thankful for is the love and acceptance from family and close friends. It is in my circle of friends and family that I feel the most comfortable, accepted and have no need to hide my face. I have a wonderful husband that reminds me every day that I am still beautiful.
Please continue to pray for healing. Pray that my face will not cave in any further and that my lower eye lid will stay in tact. And pray that the shame I feel of the way I look will go away soon.
Love,
Sue
7 comments:
Sue, no amount of scars, drooping eyelids, holes or other anomalies could keep you from being extraordinarily beautiful! You always have been and always will be.... on the inside and out. I love you!
Suzie
My words probably don't mean much, but I do think about you and pray for you often.
Here is a blog you might be interested in reading, this women shares some of her same struggles as you are going through.
http://nieniedialogues.blogspot.com/
Sue, do not be ashamed. Be proud. You are a survivor and a woman of inspiration to so many. I think of you as great as someone like Joni Eareckson Tada, as someone who can inspire others through adversity and motivate others to do great things for the Lord and for the world. We pray for continued healing and any surgery that may help you, but never be ashamed. Be proud.
Our prayers are with you and your family.
Jeff (and Cindi)
Sue, YOU ARE HERE, AND ABLE TO BE A WIFE, MOTHER,DAUGHTER, AND FRIEND to those who love you. It's ok to feel the way you are, but remember that YOU ARE HERE, AND ABLE TO FEEL....keep your chin up and look at the world, it's a truly wonderful place. You have 2 little girls who want and need you to see and enjoy all the things in their lives, with them! Enjoy the beautiful fall weather! We will pray for your peace. Kari Karrmann Sides
My computer just errored, so let me type my comment again. To be honest I know that I would feel the exact same as you. It's human nature to want to be beautiful and to compare with others. But we both know that true true beauty lies within. And you definitely possess that Sue. So hold your head high...look people in the eye and before you know it you will forget about those scars and be a living walking testimony for all He's done for you.
Your strength and courage are Beauty times ten. Hold your head high because you are a fighter and survivor!
Sue,
I too, know that I would struggle with the same things you are struggling with. I can honestly say I have always seen you as beautiful. Those who truly know you don't see the imperfection, but look at Jesus in you. That is true beauty! God knows your heart's desire and I believe He will continue to work this out. In Psalm 138:8 it says " The Lord will perfect that which concerns me; Your mercy O Lord, endures forever; Do not forsake the works of Your hands."
Sue, I am reminded of our desperate prayers that God would save your life. I remember you saying all you wanted to do was live! That you wanted to be a wife to Jason and a mother to your girls. You didn't want to miss out watching them grow up. Praise God for that answered prayer. YOU ARE ALIVE! I know each day will be a choice to live with a heart of gratitude for that day. To look beyond what we view as important and look at what God did for you. He gave you a miracle Sue. You are cancer free and enjoying your family.
Draw strength from El Ro'i which is another name of God meaning "He sees you." No matter how desperate, abandoned or distant you feel, God will find you and He will comfort you. El Ro'i notices everything about you and when you call out His eyes are already upon you. It is God who is waiting there for you. He sees your heart and calls you beautiful. Claim your inheritance Sue- you are the daughter of the king- you are a princess. As your Heavenly Father, He will always act on your behalf; He will not abandon you- Live in freedom and joy of that knowledge.
You are loved and prayed for!
Nikki
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