Jason just left to go get a good home cooked meal and spend sometime with the girls. This morning, he showed up with some beautiful flowers to decorate my boring hospital room. He spent the day with me by my side, quiet when I needed it or as a good opponent in cribbage when I needed it. He even let me win a game....something I know does not come easy for him. I am so thankful for the man that he is, trying to be a support to me while at the same time working a job and spending time with the girls. How did I get so lucky?
Well I am hoping it isn't too early (knock on wood) to say that I am finally on the mend and that the worst is behind me. The surgeons are very pleased with the progress I have made - I think they have all taken a big sigh of relief each time they come in to check in on me. I am so thankful for each and every one taking the VERY long journey to mend my face and make it look the best it can possibly be. I am especially thankful for my Surgical Oncologist that cared for me during cancer. The night does not end without a call from Dr. K. asking the nurses to hold the phone up to the Dopplar monitors....monitors tracking the strength of the newly transplanted vein carrying blood to the translated tissue, bone and skin. I can tell he really cares about me and the outcome of this surgery. Hearing the monitors showing a strong working vein helps not only me to sleep well at night, but helps Dr. K to have some peace at night. The nurses have all been so wonderful to me..truly servants at heart and many of whom are very familiar to me due to the many stays I have had on this floor. I can go to sleep at night knowing I will be well taken care of. Someone is watching over me.
My face is still pretty swollen. I haven't had the courage to look in the mirror yet to see the changes..the ones I have been told I will be very happy with once the swelling goes down. I am starting to get up and around for walks around the nurses station. I have an incision down the side of my back from my shoulder blade down to my waist. It was stapled shut after some tissue and bone were used to reconstruct my face. The incision is very tight and at its worst feels like someone is digging their fingers into my back and pulling it apart. There are two drain systems connected to the wound on my back to collect any excess fluid or blood which is extremely uncomfortable. I have a feeling it will take months of rehab to get use of my shoulder back again.
Yesterday I was at my worst. I was not feeling good and feeling a lot of pain. I began to question my sanity and the decision I made to fix my face, despite the fact it was medically necessary. I could not believe I had put myself through this once again. I made a few phone calls in the middle of the night to Jason just to hear his voice...something that always brings me calm in the midst of a storm. I am feeling very lonely and missing the girls so much. You never realize how much space children take up in your life and fill it with joy and love. Both Mackenzie and Kendall have beautifully decorated some posters to hang in my room. Both of the posters say "My Mom Can Believe." I smile each time I look at them. I believe for them.
Last night I was feeling defeated.... instead of taking two steps forward I felt as I had taken two steps back. Something hard to swallow when the two steps back take you to a place you never want to go again. This morning I woke up and read a Facebook posting from a friend. It was as follows...
HE will silently plan for you,
His object of omniscient care;
God Himself undertakes to be
Your Pilot through each subtle snare.
He WILL silently plan for you,
So certainly, He cannot fail!
Rest on the faithfulness of God,
In Him you surely will prevail.
He will SILENTLY plan for you,
Some wonderful surprise of love,
No eye has seen, no each has heard,
But it is kept for you above.
He will silently PLAN for you,
His purposes will all unfold;
Your tangled life will shine at last,
A masterpiece of skill unfold.
He will silently plan FOR YOU,
Happy child of a Father's care,
As if no other claimed His love,
But you alone to Him were dear.
- E Mary Grimes
His purposes will all unfold; Your tangled life will shine at last, A masterpiece of skill unfold. Words of encouragement that could not have better timing. I did not take two steps back, but instead I took two steps down a new road with a glorious plan I am convinced God will reveal to me in his own time. My tangled life of cancer will shine at last.
Thank you to all of you that have been quietly praying for me and my healing. I am honored to have each and everyone of you in my life whether you are a friend, family member or stranger. I often visit Facebook and My Blog to read the words of encouragement that have been written by each and everyone of you. Please know they have no gone unnoticed.
Patient has typed this with one eye open and monitors taped to fingers. Patient to not be held responsible for spelling and grammatical errors.