It is official...I am ready to move on in my life. For so long I felt I was unable to move ahead...to look towards the future. I am now ready to start making plans and live my life again. I have started to clean the house and rid of the things that remind me of cancer. The things that I have been collecting over this past year. Every time I look at them I am reminded of how I felt and how sick I was. NO MORE! I am so done with feeling like that.
There are a few more things I need to do to get rid of these reminders: 1) get rid of the medications that I am no longer taking piled high in my bedroom 2) get our bedding dry cleaned as it is filled with medication and food spells as a result of spending a lot of time in bed 3) tear down the many lists with instructions for our parents posted on our refrigerator 4) get rid of the medical supplies and needle dispensers that are taking up room in my kitchen cupboards. I am going to get rid of all of the evidence that someone very sick was living in this house!!!
Now, I just need to finish healing. Is is so hard waiting for this to happen when I am so ready to move on with my life. It has been hard to be patient. But it will take time...I still have a ways to go. Because of the radiation and chemo the healing process will take longer. My body is unable to heal fast. This past week has been frustrating as I developed an infection in my face. It caused a lot of swelling and pain. Taking a step back in the healing process is not the direction I want to take. But after being on antibiotics for a few days I am starting to feel better again. Hopefully this is just a little hump I need to get over. Because of this setback I have had a few moments of panic. I started to feel uneasy about whether or not the cancer is really gone. I was having anxiety about future scans. I found myself having to check my trust in God and continue to believe in what God has and will accomplish in my healing.
I am still going stir crazy in this house. Luckily Mackenzie's teacher has sent me many projects to work on. Many of you have come up with some wonderful ideas to occupy my time. Keep them coming! I have used many of the ideas. The only times I get out of this house are going to doctor appointments. However, I did brave going into to Target the other day. I did get a lot of looks and stares, but it didn't bother me too much.
Please continue to pray!
Love,
Sue
7 comments:
You are braver than I! Congratulations!
Mary
Sue - What a gift you are to ALL of us!! Sending so many prayers of thankfulness - and a note of thanks to you for being such a great teacher on this journey.
Dear Sue --
That's probably the best post I've read all year -- it means you're ready to put closure to an astounding year in the life of Sue Karrmann. (I hesitate to say "the MOST astounding year" because Mackenzie's saga was pretty astounding too...). I'm so proud of you for continuing to have faith that you are right where God intends you to be. Just as you can look back now and see how far you have come, in another couple of months you'll be able to look back at NOW and see many of the changes you are longing for. So hang in there, honey; the time will pass! (Are you hanging your "projects" on the fridge along with the girls'?) :)
Love, Bev Johansen
Sue,
One "project" I have given myself this year is taking a photo a day that will be compiled into a collection of some sort (scrapbook or slideshow)at the end of the year. It's interesting how my perspective has changed and I find myself taking pictures of things I would not have, otherwise. Parts of my simple daily life that I want to remember.
It must be hard to be patient with the slow process of healing, but all of us "followers" get to see your real progress. It's kind of like being in the daily grind of raising babies/toddlers and how the days are long but the years are short. When you are right in the middle of it, caring for them on a daily basis, you don't always recognize how much they change and grow. Then you bump into someone who hasn't seen them in ahwile and they say "Look at how big she's getting!" or "Wow, has she changed!".
Reading your last entry, I was feeling exactly that way, "Wow, has she changed and grown!" You might not see it, but you have come such an incredibly long way on this journey that must parallel running a marathon in some way. Painful and lengthy, but worth it? Neverending mental & physical torture? You've definitely earned a gold medal in my book! Enjoy the olympics over the next couple of weeks to help occupy some more of your time.
Take care,
What a wonderful posting, Sue. Congratulations on moving forward (plus cleaning is always theraputic!). Good for you going into Target...hold your head high and be proud of yourself and your strenth the last year. Let them stare..give a smile and yell, "I AM BEAUTIFUL!" You are, and don't ever forget it! Kari Karrmann Sides
Ready for Target...Ready for the world! :) You just let me know when you're up for a walk outside this spring. Nothing boosts the spirit (and entices us to get out of our houses) like beautiful weather after a long MN winter! You sound like you're doing AWESOME! So good to read your blog these days. Your journey has been such a testimony to so many!
What a joy to read your blog this morning. You really have come a long way, both mentally and physically and you should be very proud of yourself. I'm sure cleaning the house of the reminders is a huge step forward.
Go out and about Sue. Don't worry about what you think people are thinking. Those are battle marks and you fought and won a huge battle last year. And you just might inspire someone to talk to you about it and you can share something of yourself with them and educate them or give them hope. I remember how freaked I was about my scar and I admit it does bother me at times but if people ask, I am proud to tell them I am a survivor.
As far as things to keep you busy, have you thought about taking up knitting or returning to knitting if you already know how? I would be happy to sit with you and teach you the basics if you want to.
Keep up the good work Sue. I am so incredibly proud of you and what you have accomplished this past year. Look to the future, enjoy the moment and put the past where it belongs.
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