Monday, February 1, 2010

More Time

Boing, Boing, Boing, Boing...this is the sound of me bouncing off the walls in my house. I am going crazy with boredom. I am trying to keep myself occupied as much as possible, but it is hard when my mobility is limited. There is only so much time that one can spend online, watching the TV or playing the Wii.

Recovery from the surgery has been difficult. I am not seeing any progress with the swelling in my face. It doesn't seem to want to go away. Every morning when I wake up and look in the mirror I get so discouraged and typically break down crying. Never before have I felt so ugly and unfeminine. I want my hair back. I want my face back. I want so badly to feel normal again. I want to feel pretty again. I want to run again. I am losing my patience. This is much harder than chemotherapy and radiation. Maybe it is because it has been a long year and I am at the end of my rope.

The only upside to my recovery is that the doctors have allowed me to start eating and drinking again. I am limited to soft foods that don't require a lot of chewing. The bone they used to reconstruct my face is still healing so chewing would not be good. As you probably expected, the first thing I did when I got home from my doctor appointment was have a Dr. Pepper. It was heavenly. This week, they will be removing the feeding tube out of my nose. This will make eating so much easier. Plus it will be so nice to no longer have a tube stitched into the inside of my nostril and hanging down the side of my face. Just one step closer to feeling that normalcy again.

This week I do have some important events taking place that will bring much needed joy in my life. This week I will be celebrating the birthdays of my sweet girls Mackenzie and Kendall. Kendall will be turning 6 on Wednesday and Mackenzie will be turning 9 on Friday. I feel so bad that I will not be able to plan a party for the girls to celebrate their birthdays this year with their friends. But, we will do what we can to celebrate their special days with them. I will also be celebrating my 10 year wedding anniversary with Jason. It has been an amazing 10 years. We have definitely faced a lot of challenges in our lives together, but it has brought us closer and forced us to make God the center of our marriage. I am so blessed to have Jason in my life. He is an amazing husband and father. God definitely knew what he was doing when he brought us together. I don't think I could have found a better partner to take on the challenges we have faced.

The other day I received a card from a family relative with this verse:

"For I will restore health unto thee, and I will heal thee, saith the Lord." Jeremiah 20:17

It was a wonderful reminder of God's promise to me that he will heal me. The process just hasn't been completed yet. It will take time and I do need to be patient. When I get frustrated and discouraged, I need to keep my eyes focused on him and remember everything he has accomplished in me so far. This is so hard for me to do right now, but I am trying. I just need to give him more time.

Please keep the prayers coming!



Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday to the girls and Happy Anniversary to you and Jason. Indeed you have faced many major challenges, but we have been blessed ourselves through your blogs, first about Mackenzie and now about you. Your impact on others through these challenges is a gift from God to so many. Be blessed in that, even as you continue to recover. We pray for steady recovery for you, and that those days of fun and being carefree return again soon.

Jeff Stewart

Anonymous said...

If I didn't know better, I would say you sound just like a Minnesotan who has cabin fever. OK - so yours is a little different, but none the less - spring is coming and so is your day when you get to walk outside and enjoy the fresh smell of spring! You are not far from our thoughts and prayers. May this week be extra special for all the reasons you stated above. Enjoy your girls and family. May each day continue to bring you closer to each other and closer to God.

Anonymous said...

Happy happy birthdays, girls! I know you will both have wonderful birthdays having your mommy home and able to hold you and tell you how much she loves you! Rejoice in the calmness..once the snow melts you will be doing all the chasing of family activities! It's hard to have this "down time,"but know that you need it. I loved the idea of volunteering to do things for the girls teachers..being a 1st grade teacher, I have things I send home all the time to Mom's who can't come in....just ask them, and I'll bet you're busy! If not, I would be happy to send things in the mail! :) Hope you are enjoying your blankie. Kari Karrmann Sides & family

Anonymous said...

I have been so blessed by reading your blog, thank you for sharing your journey with us. I've been going through stress and hard times but everytime I read your blog, I know there's great hope for you and I'm confident God is doing a great work in you that He'll bring to completion. Your honesty is so refreshing, so needed. Thanks for being so open. Praying for your recovery and for blessings of fellowship. God bless you and keep you and make His face to shine upon you.

Anonymous said...

Su, I do not know you in person, but Dieter sure talks a lot about you. I read your blog and I can't stop admiring your beautiful FAITH and trust in the LORD. You are a true miracle and an answer to HIS promises. I became a Christian 5 years ago and the Lord has shown me so many things trough out this years, and the more I learn His word the more I thank Him for coming into my life. Through you I've come to realize one's more that HE is in control of everything, and you are a true testimony of this, God will continue to use you and your beautiful life, for His glory, and you will see the LOVE and Blessing He has in store for you and your family. Just remember "For nothing is impossible with GOD" Luke1:37
I know that everthing will be acording to His will, eventhough sometimes we just don't get it, He always has a better plan for us and for the people that are around us. I believed in the power of prayer and this verse is one of my favorites Philippians 4:6-7
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
And remember God looks into our hearts and for Him You will always look beautiful. God Bless you in your recovery and your family too. Wydia