You know it is bad when I resort to Ativan. I just took a pill as I am a bundle of nerves this morning. I am so full of anxiety that I feel like I can't breath. My back is tight and I feel like I am on the verge of breaking down in tears. I am trying hard to hold it together. I don't want my family to catch on and carry the weight of my worry and stress. If I am like this after a simple bone scan, I can't imagine what I am going to be like before and after my upcoming MRI. With that looming over my head as it is quickly approaching, I am starting to freak out. Yesterday's bone scan did not help to alleviate any of my angst. I thought the scan was scheduled to determine the viability of the bone underneath my eye. But something gave me the feeling my doctors are checking to see if the cancer has gone into the bone. I am trying not to let my fears overtake my rational thinking, but today the fear is winning. Thus, the anxiety. Thus, the Ativan.
These past couple of weeks, I am feeling the need to do the things I really want to do before the upcoming MRI. It all started with being able to go up to the cabin for the Fourth of July. It was an amazing weekend and I was thanking God for every day and every moment I was able to be there. I have learned to live my life in segments. I do what I can in a few months and try not to plan anything else beyond the next MRI or surgery until I have learned the results and feel it is safe to move on for the next few months. In the past, when I have planned things in the distant future, they end up getting cancelled due to bad results. I am trying hard not to live this way and I know it is not healthy. But it is my way of protecting myself and preventing myself from being disappointed. So I am finding myself going into panic mode. My next MRI is coming up in a couple of weeks and I am feeling the pressure to experience Summer to its fullest as I fear that it will be taken away all too quickly with bad results...again.
I am not seeing an end in sight. The hole in my face has yet to be resolved. I think I have my surgeons stumped. I am doing the best I can to trust God with this situation. I pray for strength and peace every day. It is something I have to do every morning so I can get through the day. I think I am walking around dazed and confused. I need some encouragement or positive news to come my way soon.