You know it is bad when I resort to Ativan. I just took a pill as I am a bundle of nerves this morning. I am so full of anxiety that I feel like I can't breath. My back is tight and I feel like I am on the verge of breaking down in tears. I am trying hard to hold it together. I don't want my family to catch on and carry the weight of my worry and stress. If I am like this after a simple bone scan, I can't imagine what I am going to be like before and after my upcoming MRI. With that looming over my head as it is quickly approaching, I am starting to freak out. Yesterday's bone scan did not help to alleviate any of my angst. I thought the scan was scheduled to determine the viability of the bone underneath my eye. But something gave me the feeling my doctors are checking to see if the cancer has gone into the bone. I am trying not to let my fears overtake my rational thinking, but today the fear is winning. Thus, the anxiety. Thus, the Ativan.
These past couple of weeks, I am feeling the need to do the things I really want to do before the upcoming MRI. It all started with being able to go up to the cabin for the Fourth of July. It was an amazing weekend and I was thanking God for every day and every moment I was able to be there. I have learned to live my life in segments. I do what I can in a few months and try not to plan anything else beyond the next MRI or surgery until I have learned the results and feel it is safe to move on for the next few months. In the past, when I have planned things in the distant future, they end up getting cancelled due to bad results. I am trying hard not to live this way and I know it is not healthy. But it is my way of protecting myself and preventing myself from being disappointed. So I am finding myself going into panic mode. My next MRI is coming up in a couple of weeks and I am feeling the pressure to experience Summer to its fullest as I fear that it will be taken away all too quickly with bad results...again.
I am not seeing an end in sight. The hole in my face has yet to be resolved. I think I have my surgeons stumped. I am doing the best I can to trust God with this situation. I pray for strength and peace every day. It is something I have to do every morning so I can get through the day. I think I am walking around dazed and confused. I need some encouragement or positive news to come my way soon.
Love,
Sue
8 comments:
Sue - Been thinking about you. We just moved to Tennessee (haven't even told everyone yet) and so have been a bit pre-occupied but that hasn't stopped us from thinking about you and praying for you. You have taught us to appreciate every day and the things we take for granted. I am praying for you this morning.
Your Cousin Mark
You looked so fresh and strong out walking today! That will help ease your anxiety. Your well of strength is so inspiring. We will continue ours prayers and thoughts for you and your family.
Joan
Hi Sue,
So good to hear from you again. I am sure it is so hard to control the fear of all the what ifs- especially after all you have been through. I don't even pretend to be able to fully grasp what you have experienced. I do want to share from a book I am currently reading. It is entitled Though Waters Roar by Lynn Austin. It is a novel, but in it she weaves christian messages. I was touched by her secret to contentment which applies to all of God's children. She said " Do you want to know the secret to contentment.? We need to live each day as if it was a gift. God gives us that gift each morning when the sun rises, like the tickets they give out when you ride on a train. That ticket is only good for today. Yesterday is gone and that ticket is used up. We don't have a ticket for tomorrow because life has no guarantees. Each day is a gift.. When the sun comes up we need to ask the Lord, " What would you like me to do for You today?" That is how you will find contentment. Making plans is okay but we need to let God draw the map for us, then follow it by faith. We need to be willing to give him our life each and every day and be thankful for today."
I thought that was a great way to acknowledge God's sovereignty over our lives and it releases us of trying to control and feeling responsible for every aspect of our life. It is meant to help us live freely without fear. It is easier said than done, but it is a wonderful goal for all of us. We all only have a ticket for today-no matter what our circumstances God is in control. Live each day as a gift Sue and let God map out your steps. He is with you every step of the way. Let go of the steering wheel and live in freedom. I truly believe that will help with your anxiety. One day at a time- rejoicing in today.
I will be praying for you and for wisdom for your surgeons as they determine how to best proceed.
Love and prayers,
Nikki
Sue,
I think you have every reason to feel anxious about your recent and upcoming tests. Keep trusting in God to help and guide you, it's so easy to forget that God does love you, and he wants what is best for you, especially after everything you have been through. But, he is still taking care of you, and he still has plans for you. I recently read a verse from Psalms that may be of comfort to you. Psalm 16:8-11, "I have set the Lord always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body will also rest secure, because you will not abandon me to the grave, nor will you let your Holy One see decay. You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand." God wants you to feel protected by him, so that you can enjoy your life, even though you have been through so much pain. Let God bring you his peace, so you can enjoy your summer and time with your family.
I'll continue to pray for you,
Andrea Wackerfuss
He is sovereign. He is control and He will equip you with the strength you need to get through this. Praying that the comfort and peace you need flood your soul and fill you to overflowing. Praying for you...
Hi Sue,
Thank you for continuing to keep us updated. I just wanted to drop in to let you know that I still think of you and pray for you often. I'm so thankful for the internet that keeps us connected. I pray that you can enjoy every day to its fullest with your friends and family despite what looms ahead withe MRI and tests.
Love and prayers,
Dani
Sue, Your fears are so understandable...none of us truly know everything you are going through, but know that you have inspired so many of us to take it one day at a time, and enjoy every single minute....now you need to do this! Your upcoming tests are going to be fine..I feel it. Enjoy the sunshine, your girls' laughter, and Jason's smiles....we continue to pray for you and think of you about 100 times a day! Hugs to you all....we will be seeing your in-laws in 2 weeks, so I'm going to send a ton of hugs with them for the next time they see you! :)
Love and strength,
Kari Karrmann Sides
Kari Karrmann Sides
Reading your blog and keeping you in my prayers. My sister dealt with a serious health issue a couple of years ago (still does). It was highly discouraging when one thing after another would pop up, there never seemed to be an end to the surgeries, problems, etc that she had to endure. But being on the outside I knew, even though we were all discouraged that this was most likely a temporary situation. I could see 2 years of this crap and then life would return to semi normal. We just had to get through the daily battles, scary dr. appointment and doubt that plagued us. So now she is a couple of years out and the Dr appointment have dwindled down and things have returned to a more normal state. So it is hard to see the forest for the trees in situations such as this, but God is in control and things will return to a more calm normalacy. So try to get out this summer and do as many fun things as you can to get your mind off of your troubles. Will pray that you are calm for your appointment on Monday and good results.
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