Get Up And Dance!

Get up and dance and shake that bootie! It is time to celebrate! MRI results...STILL CANCER FREE! Never before have I been given the results of a scan so fast! My MRI was on Monday and later on in the day I received a phone call with the results. I was in the middle of eating dinner when I received the phone call. Needless to say, Jason, Mackenzie, Kendall and I were filled with joy and relief. The celebration involved ice cream sundaes with the works and many thanks being given to God! An end in sight is coming into view.

Unfortunately, the celebration is somewhat bittersweet. My focus is now on the next surgery which has been scheduled for next Wednesday. After much deliberation, my surgeons have not decided to use the fascia from the side of my head to repair my face. The original plan to use the skin from my cheek will be put into action. This surgery HAS to work. We are beginning to run out of options. My surgeon and I are not confident this will work, but it is the least evasive procedure. If this procedure fails, I will be undergoing a massive procedure which involves removing the majority of the skin on the right of my face and replacing it with skin from my leg. Again, no guarantees this procedure would work.

While I am so relieved to still be cancer free, I still need your support and prayers, Pray this surgery is successful and that my face will stay intact. I pray and hope that this surgery will work so that I can move on with my life once and for all.

Love to you all,
Sue

Aslan

This Summer, I decided to read the Chronicles of Narnia with Mackenzie and Kendall. I don't know who is enjoying it more...me or the girls. It has been fun to journey into the world of Narnia filled with creatures and characters with biblical parallels. I don't think the girls are understanding some of these parallels, but with discussion I am able to explain who represents who and what represents what in the story. The other night, we were reading one of the final chapters of the Magician's Nephew. Narnia had just been created by Aslan the lion (C.S. Lewis uses this character to represent God). If you have seen the movies, you will remember what a magnificent animal Aslan is. Powerful and strong, yet compassionate and loving. He is a protector. He is a friend. Upon meeting Aslan, the boy in the book, Digory, is fearful of Aslan, yet drawn to him. He realizes Aslan has the power to heal his sick and dying mother. He would do anything to save her and Aslan was his answer. Aslan wanted to send Digory on an important mission to help save Narnia from evil, but before he left, Digory felt compelled to ask Aslan for a favor for his Mother.

"I asked, are you ready?" said the Lion. "Yes," said Digory. He had for a second some wild idea of saying "I'll try to help you if you'll promise to help my Mother," but he realized in time that the Lion was not at all the sort of person one could make bargains with. But when he had said "Yes," he thought of his Mother, and he thought of the great hopes he had had, and how they were all dying away, and a lump came in his throat and tears in his eyes and he blurted out: "But please, please-won't you-can't you give me something that will cure my Mother?" Up till then he had been looking at the Lion's great feet and the huge claws on them; now, in his despair, he looked up at its face. What he saw surprised him as much as anything in his whole life. For the tawny face was bent down near his own and (wonder of wonders) great shining tears stood in the Lion's eyes. They were such big, bright tears compared with Digory's own that for a moment he felt as if the Lion must really be sorrier about his Mother than he was himself. - The Magician's Nephew by C.S. Lewis

I was now reading the story with tears in my eyes. I chose to read on, but now that I think about it I wish I would have explained to the girls how meaningful this exchange was between Aslan and Digory. If we had the opportunity to see God's face right now, I know we too would see tears in his eyes feeling my pain and my sorrow as a result of my battle of cancer and the issues I am currently facing. God is a compassionate and understanding being...knowing and feeling our sorrows along with us. I want so badly for my children to know and understand this side of God.

The story continues with Aslan sending Digory on a mission to find an apple to plant a tree. The purpose of this tree was to do a great many things including save Narnia. Digory was sent on this journey with no understanding of what its purpose was. Little did he know that Aslan's purpose for Digory's journey was not only to help save Narnia but to also to save his Mother.

In the midst of our trials, God sends us on a long journey to learn something about ourselves, our faith or to serve a greater purpose. Sometimes we have to embarq on this journey without knowledge of whether or not we will get through our trial. But at the end of our journey God will accomplish great things. I look forward to the great things God will accomplish after this journey I am on is over.

"What I give you now will bring joy. It will not, in your world, give endless life, but it will heal. Go. Pluck her (Digory's Mom) an apple from the Tree." -Aslan's words to Digory in The Magician's Nephew by C.S. Lewis

This week is an important week. Tomorrow I will have an MRI to determine if the cancer is still gone or if it has come back. The results of this MRI will be life changing. I will also find out when the next surgery is. As of now, I am planning as much as I can before this surgery as I anticipate a long recovery. My Summer will end when this surgery takes place. I hope to make it to the cabin one more time. It all depends on whether or not the surgeons determine if it is safe to wait a couple of weeks to perform the surgery.

Please pray for strength. Pray for good news! Pray for wisdom for my surgeons as they will be making vital decisions to heal my face. Especially pray for peace as I will be feeling a lot of anxiety in the weeks to come.

Blessings to you all,

Sue

Voices in my Head

Voice of Truth
by Casting Crowns

Oh,what I would do to have
the kind of faith it takes
To climb out of this boat I'm in
Onto the crashing waves
To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown
Where Jesus is,
And he's holding out his hand

But the waves are calling out my name
and they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
time and time again
"Boy, you'll never win,
You you'll never win

But the Voice of truth tells me a different story
the Voice of truth says "do not be afraid!"
and the Voice of truth says "this is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of truth

Oh, what I would do
to have the kind of strength it takes
To stand before a giant
with just a sling and a stone
Surrounded by the sound
of a thousand warriors
shaking in their armor
Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand

But the giant's calling out
my name and he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
time and time again
"Boy you'll never win,
you'll never win."

But the voice of truth tells me a different story
the Voice of truth says "do not be afraid!"
and the Voice of truth says "this is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of truth

But the stone was just the right size
to put the giant on the ground
and the waves they don't seem so high
from on top of them looking down
I will soar with the wings of eagles
when I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus
singing over me

But the Voice of truth tells me a different story
The Voice of truth says "do not be afraid!"
And the Voice of truth says "this is for my glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me (calling out to me)
I will choose to listen and believe (I will choose to listen and believe)
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of truth

I will listen and believe
I will listen and believe the Voice of truth
I will listen and believe
'Cause Jesus you are the Voice of truth
And I will listen to you.. oh you are the Voice of truth

These past couple of weeks I have really been struggling with listening to this voice of truth. Instead, negative thoughts have been consuming my mind. I am watching the hole in my face get bigger causing hopelessness to overcome me. I am really hoping that the flap from my cheek will be big enough to cover the hole. Step two of the procedure is tomorrow. And I am so afraid I am going to walk into the clinic, see my doctor's eyes widen with fear and hear him say this isn't going to work. The hole is too big. Yet, the biggest mind game I have going on right now is about the MRI scheduled for Monday. Voices inside my head are telling me that cancer is back, that I will get bad results. It is a constant battle...ignoring the negative thoughts and concentrating on the positive...on the voice of truth.

Some of the best words of wisdom that were given to me this past year were this: Sue, God is good. He is about life, not death. About peace, not anxiety and fear. He wants you to believe, not doubt. So if you are feeling fearful, uneasy or doubtful start focusing on the voice of truth (God) and all of these feelings will start to go away. I have found this advice to be so true and the best advice a cancer patient could ever receive.

This morning I had another meltdown. As the song says, the crashing waves were calling out my name reminding of all of the times I tried before and failed. Telling me I will never win. Again, I had to start my morning asking God for peace...for encouragement. I had to choose to listen and believe to the voice of truth.

Please continue to pray for healing. Pray for peace as I face this next week and the upcoming MRI. Pray that the hole will simply be fixed and not require massive surgery.

Thank you all for your words of encouragement....sticking with me until the very end...whenever that will be. Your prayers mean so much to me.

All my love,
Sue

An Ativan Morning

You know it is bad when I resort to Ativan. I just took a pill as I am a bundle of nerves this morning. I am so full of anxiety that I feel like I can't breath. My back is tight and I feel like I am on the verge of breaking down in tears. I am trying hard to hold it together. I don't want my family to catch on and carry the weight of my worry and stress. If I am like this after a simple bone scan, I can't imagine what I am going to be like before and after my upcoming MRI. With that looming over my head as it is quickly approaching, I am starting to freak out. Yesterday's bone scan did not help to alleviate any of my angst. I thought the scan was scheduled to determine the viability of the bone underneath my eye. But something gave me the feeling my doctors are checking to see if the cancer has gone into the bone. I am trying not to let my fears overtake my rational thinking, but today the fear is winning. Thus, the anxiety. Thus, the Ativan.

These past couple of weeks, I am feeling the need to do the things I really want to do before the upcoming MRI. It all started with being able to go up to the cabin for the Fourth of July. It was an amazing weekend and I was thanking God for every day and every moment I was able to be there. I have learned to live my life in segments. I do what I can in a few months and try not to plan anything else beyond the next MRI or surgery until I have learned the results and feel it is safe to move on for the next few months. In the past, when I have planned things in the distant future, they end up getting cancelled due to bad results. I am trying hard not to live this way and I know it is not healthy. But it is my way of protecting myself and preventing myself from being disappointed. So I am finding myself going into panic mode. My next MRI is coming up in a couple of weeks and I am feeling the pressure to experience Summer to its fullest as I fear that it will be taken away all too quickly with bad results...again.

I am not seeing an end in sight. The hole in my face has yet to be resolved. I think I have my surgeons stumped. I am doing the best I can to trust God with this situation. I pray for strength and peace every day. It is something I have to do every morning so I can get through the day. I think I am walking around dazed and confused. I need some encouragement or positive news to come my way soon.

Love,
Sue

Ancient Words

Last night was the last day of Vacation Bible School for Mackenzie and Kendall. It was an amazing four days of fun and learning about God. There is something magical about VBS...it is life changing not only for the kids but us parents too. What an experience it is to walk into the sanctuary with hundreds of kids jumping up and down and singing their hearts out to God as they sing the songs they have learned over the past four days. At registration, there is an opportunity to purchase the CD that contains the music the kids learn at VBS. The girls love listening to the CD's and it warms my heart to listen to them sing their hearts out again in the back of our car while at the same time doing the hand motions nearly hitting one another. One of the songs from VBS this year is called Ancient Words and it is about the Bible's words of life and the words of hope that give us strength and give us hope in our lives. As I listened to this song for the first time, I started welling up with tears. I realized how much the Ancient Words have helped me throughout this past year. I am so thankful for the words of hope and the words of life God has given me through reading the Bible. This past year, there were times when I was physically and mentally at my worst...I would just lay in my bed and cling to my Bible. Or when I received bad or discouraging news, I would rush home and immediately open my Bible and start reading. There was no where else to turn for a source of hope and truth but the Bible. I am so thankful for the Ancient Words.

Holy words long preserved
For our walk in this world,
They resound with God's own heart
Oh, let the ancient words impart

Words of Life, words of Hope
Give us strength, help us cope
In this world, where e'er we roam
Ancient words will guide us Home.

Ancient words ever true
Changing me, and changing you.
We have come with open hearts
Oh let the ancient words impart

Holy words of our Faith
Handed down to this age.
Came to us through sacrifice
Oh heed the faithful words of Christ.

Holy words long preserved
For our walk in this world.
They resound with God's own heart
Oh let the ancient words impart.

Ancient Words ever true
Changing me and changing you
We have come with open hearts
Oh let the Ancient Words impart.

I will continue to search for answers, hope and strength by reading my Bible. Especially in the next week or so as I am faced with making decisions on how to battle the issues with my skin. I am growing weary of dealing with the condition of my face and the way I look. I am tired of the stares and the questions of "Oh my, what happened to your face." I hate how my kids have to explain to their friends why their mom has a big bandage on her face. I am ready for this to be over.

Thank you for all of your prayers! Please keep them coming.

Love,
Sue

Refined like silver

Malachi 3:3 "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver."

This verse puzzled a group in a Bible study and they wondered what this statement meant about the character of God. One of them offered to find out the process of refining silver and to get back to the group at their next Bible study. That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver. As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities. The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot; then she thought again about the verse that says: "He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver." She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined. The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eye on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed. The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?" He smiled at her and answered, "Oh, that's easy - when I see my image in it."

Isn't this story awesome? My Aunt sent it to me and I loved learning more about how God uses the trials in life like refining silver. He holds us in a fire (trial) until the impurities are gone and he sees his image in us. And he sits there with us the entire time. Like, silver, I feel like I have been held in a fire. It is quite obvious that God does not intend to take me out of the fire until his plan is finished. I know my life has changed for the better over this past year, and I have a lot more to work on. Specifically letting go of control and completely trusting God with my life. There are times I feel like he has held me in the flames too long to the point of feeling defeated and destroyed but somehow I find the strength to go on.

Today I had the first surgery of 3 to fix the holes in my face. The surgeon made two incisions in my face and then stitched them up again. Little did I ever think this would be a blessing, but because I have very little feeling left in my face I felt no pain when he injected numbing medicine and made the incisions. So the procedure was VERY easy. My face is a little red and swollen, but I feel no pain. Now we have to sit and wait. This end result of this procedure is not going to be pretty so we further discussed the other option of replacing all of the skin with the skin on my forearm. The advantages to this procedure is that my face would look less deformed, my cheekbone could possibly be fixed at the same time and I would no longer have to worry about holes forming again in my face. What I wouldn't give to no longer have to worry about holes. I am seriously considering doing this surgery. We decided to meet again with my Surgical Oncologist who would perform this surgery. We will meet with him on Monday. Should we decide to do this procedure, the incisions that were made today would just be taken off with the other skin that would be removed so there was no harm done with what we did today. It would be a difficult surgery and the recovery will be longer. But in the long run I might be happier.

Thank you for keeping me in your prayers today. Please pray for our meeting on Monday and for wisdom to make the right decision. Pray that the hole in my face does not get any bigger. Another hole started to form under it so pray no other holes form. I also have an eye appointment on Monday. The vision in my right eye is starting to deteriorate so I am getting a little concerned. Having it checked out. Pray it is a minor fix.

Thank you for your continued support and prayers.

Love,
Sue

Deja Vu

Jason and I were sitting at the hospital late at night...we had been there for months already and it didn't seem like we were going to leave anytime soon. That night, while we were asleep, we got another phone call that her stomach was distended again and discolored. I knew in my gut her bowel had perforated once again. The fragile tissue that has been operated on and stitched up so many times could not repair itself. How many times was this? It was too many to count. We rushed to the hospital and soon I was holding my sweet tiny baby in my arms desperately sobbing. We were filled with disappointment and all hope was gone. Mackenzie had already had so many surgeries to repair the many holes in her intestines. One of the many side effects of being born at 23 weeks. I was begging God for mercy on this sweet child. Had she not been through enough already? Had we not been through enough already? The surgeon entered the room and I quickly contained my emotions so I could hear what he had to say...another surgery. This was our story over and over again. There were many times we thought she would not survive and that there would not be an end to all of the suffering. But there was. After a year of over 20 surgeries, IV nutrition and feeding tubes Mackenzie survived and God got us through it all.

Nine years later...I find myself going through a similar situation. The tissue in my face so fragile from the radiation. It keeps breaking open and so far the surgeries have not been successful. I have that desperate feeling again wondering whether or not this is ever going to end. The other night I was laying in bed having a serious conversation with God. Psalm 77 once again came to my mind as it frequently did since the beginning of this journey. However, this time I read it in my new Bible "The Message" in a different translation. This translation could not better put into words exactly how I had been feeling and what I needed to hear.

Psalm 77:1-12 "I yell out to my God, I yell with all my might, I yell at the top of my lungs (I have done a lot of this lately). He listens. I found myself in trouble and went looking for my Lord; my life was an open wound that wouldn't heal. When friends said, "Everything will turn out all right," I didn't believe a word they said. I remember God - and shake my head. I bow my head - then wring my hands. I'm awake all night - not a wink of sleep; I can't even say what's bothering me. I go over the days one by one, I ponder the years gone by. I strum my lute all through the night, wondering how to get my life together. Will the Lord walk off and leave us for good? Will he never smile again? Is his love worn threadbare? Has his salvation promise burned out? Has God forgotten his manners? Has he angrily stalked off and left us? "Just my luck," I said. "The High God goes out of business just the moment I need him." Once again I'll go over what God has done, lay out on the table the ancient wonders; I'll ponder all the things you've accomplished, and give a long, loving look at your acts. "

The last couple of verses once again reminded me of the miracle of Mackenzie and all that God did to pull her through. But this time, it reminded me of how similar our situations are and the disappointment I felt then and now. It also reminded me that there still is hope...if Mackenzie can survive I can survive.

I finally made my decision. Today, I had another appointment with my Plastic Surgeon. Up until this morning, I had no answers. I had no idea what I was going to do. I had been praying for God to give me the wisdom to make the right choice. I was prepared to tell my doctor that I had no idea what to do and that I needed more time. However, after he further explained the option of using skin from my cheek to repair the hole it became clear to me that this was the best option. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be and it would cause the least amount of damage. We also did the test on the existing flap on my face to determine if there was adequate blood flow. The test was a success. This gave me the hope I needed to go on. The best part is that this procedure can be done in his office and I will not need to be given anesthesia. The procedure will take place in two steps. First he will make two incisions and sew them up again. This trains the blood vessels to change direction and begin feeding the portion of the skin that will be used to repair the hole. In another week he will remove the stitches and give the vessels time to continue redirecting the blood flow. The best part of this is that I will be able to go up north for the Fourth of July and be with my family and participate in all of the Fourth of July fun. I was so happy to hear this. After the Fourth, the next step of the procedure will take place opening the incisions again and moving the skin up to repair the hole. There is no guarantee this will be a success, but it is definitely worth a try. THIS NEEDS TO WORK!!!

So please keep me in your prayers over the next month. Pray for healing and that this procedure is a success. Pray the hole will not get any bigger. If it does, it may cause problems with this procedure. My next MRI is at the end of July so pray for peace as that date approaches. And most of all, pray the cancer stays away.

Thank you all!
Love, Sue