I am sitting at my laptop right now trying to find words to convey how I feel. I think I have erased the first sentence I typed several times now. All I know is that any hope for a miracle is quickly fading.
On Friday, I will be reaching 30 treatments at the hyperbaric chamber. By now, there should be some signs of healing, unfortunately there are none. The hole is still there and now my eyelid is starting to fall behind the bone that is exposed in the hole. This causes my eye to not close completely when I blink or when I sleep so I am experiencing a lot of dryness and discomfort. I can't leave home without lubricating eye drops. In order for the hole on my face to close, the bone needs to be burred down, however this does not come without risk. The bone is already thin and fragile as a result of my maxillactomy. So there is a chance if they burr the bone down it will break.
Next week I will be scheduled for surgery. I will finally have the flap removed and the surgeon will make an attempt to burr down the bone. If he does so successfully without the bone breaking, he will then stitch the hole shut which should also correct the drooping of my eyelid. Should the bone break, it will be removed through my nose. Then the surgeons will watch carefully to see if my face with start to cave in or if my eyelid will droop down even more. If this happens, I will be required to have an extensive surgery again to replace the bone under my eyelid with the bone from wrist and the radiated skin completely removed from my face and replaced with skin from my leg. After surgery, I will have to complete 10 more hyperbaric treatments.
I feel.....SICK AND TIRED OF ALL OF THIS!!!!! I FEEL SO MAD!!!!!! I FEEL SO LET DOWN!!! I FEEL TIRED!!! I NEED A BREAK!!! I NEED THIS TO END!!!!