Monday, September 20, 2010

I FEEL

I am sitting at my laptop right now trying to find words to convey how I feel. I think I have erased the first sentence I typed several times now. All I know is that any hope for a miracle is quickly fading.

On Friday, I will be reaching 30 treatments at the hyperbaric chamber. By now, there should be some signs of healing, unfortunately there are none. The hole is still there and now my eyelid is starting to fall behind the bone that is exposed in the hole. This causes my eye to not close completely when I blink or when I sleep so I am experiencing a lot of dryness and discomfort. I can't leave home without lubricating eye drops. In order for the hole on my face to close, the bone needs to be burred down, however this does not come without risk. The bone is already thin and fragile as a result of my maxillactomy. So there is a chance if they burr the bone down it will break.

Next week I will be scheduled for surgery. I will finally have the flap removed and the surgeon will make an attempt to burr down the bone. If he does so successfully without the bone breaking, he will then stitch the hole shut which should also correct the drooping of my eyelid. Should the bone break, it will be removed through my nose. Then the surgeons will watch carefully to see if my face with start to cave in or if my eyelid will droop down even more. If this happens, I will be required to have an extensive surgery again to replace the bone under my eyelid with the bone from wrist and the radiated skin completely removed from my face and replaced with skin from my leg. After surgery, I will have to complete 10 more hyperbaric treatments.

I feel.....SICK AND TIRED OF ALL OF THIS!!!!! I FEEL SO MAD!!!!!! I FEEL SO LET DOWN!!! I FEEL TIRED!!! I NEED A BREAK!!! I NEED THIS TO END!!!!

Sue

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

Dearest Sue -

(sigh)

Focus on the fact that God didn’t bring you this far to leave you now. It simply stinks that what you really want to do is shake God's shoulders and say, "Uh...HELLO! Seriously?!?"

We will continue to hope. We will continue to pray. We will continue to "root" you on through this...yukky parts and all.

Go ahead, get mad. All warriors do...

Much Love,
Jami Helvick

Anonymous said...

And you have every right to feel tired of all of this, to feel angry, to feel let down and just plain tired. You have been through so much Sue. We are all here for you, go ahead and get angry and scream and cry and throw things. You deserve to be upset, we all agree, enough is enough. But we are not the one in charge here so we have to just BELIEVE that this will have a happy ending. It just might not be on our timeframe! Hang in there, we love you are we are right here with you. Please call if you need ANYTHING. Even someone to scream at or catch things when you throw them....

Susan Thomas

MEbeling said...

I wish I could take the pain away! I know how you feel. I will continue praying for you!

All my love!

Jeremy, Michelle, and Girls said...

My Dear Friend,
There are no words! As I sit here with tears in my eyes, I know that God has a plan for you. I wish that I could take away all of this for you. I BELIEVE there will be an end to this. When you feel that you can no longer endure...that there is no hope...know that we are lifting you up in prayer! Let go and let GOD! Love you dear!

Michelle Engebretson

Anonymous said...

Sue,

You have every right to be angry and frusterated, and to feel let down. But, God does have a plan and purpose in all of this, he is your creator, and he will bring about a good ending. Trust in him, even when you feel like you can't go on anymore.
Psalm 56:3-4a
When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid.
Psalm 138:8
The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; Your love, O Lord, endures forever- do not abandon the works of your hands.

When you're in a place and you don't understand why, and the future looks dim, God is with you, holding you, crying with you, but He knows the future and there is something good waiting for you at the end of all of this, no matter how far away that may be.

I'm always praying for you,
Andrea

Anonymous said...

Sue,

I do not blame you for the way you are feeling. Just know that it is not a sign of weakness to feel this way, rather, you are experiencing the most natural emotions right now. You are strong and you CAN BE MAD!!!! I hope the surgeons can get the bone down and stitch the hole! I hope that you will see the end of all this frustration and pain soon so you can enjoy your family and your friends and your life!

Love you and praying for you!
Suzie

Anonymous said...

Sue,
Go ahead and feel sad, mad, frustrated -- get the feelings out, express them. Getting all of the negative energy out will free up space for the positive to flow in. I truly believe that you have endured the worst and longest part of this journey. Although right now it seems an eternity until you are healed I really believe it will come "soon". You're always in my prayers, Paige

Anonymous said...

Oh Sue, My heart is so heavy for you...can you hear my screaming??? You have every right to every feeling you are having now...let it out. Also remember what an inspiration your own little Mackenzie has been as she fought so hard at the beginning of her life...fight and be strong. This is the plan, and you will get through it...you continue to be in our thoughts and hearts everyday. When school started back up I had 7 emails the 1st week as teachers got "into the groove," inquiring about your progress and summer...I will share your latest posting, and you will feel their tremendous strength and prayers..you are loved!
Kari Karrmann Sides

Anonymous said...

Sue, I am so sorry about all this. I resonate with what Kari said about Mackenzie. 13 surgeries she endured, and look where she is now -- thriving as a 3rd grader. I believe you will get past this some day. We are praying, praying, praying for you. Hang on to the hand of Jesus, and know how very much you are LOVED. Truly LOVED.

Love,

Cheri