I was lying in my bed longing for answers. I just finished crying my heart out to God asking him WHY? Up until now I prayed fervently for healing...for the hole to close. But my prayers were not being answered. I was beginning to question the purpose of prayer. If prayers don't get answered...why even bother? I felt like giving up on the one thing that has carried me through this long journey.
I looked over on my bedside table and as I was looking at the book of devotions I had read throughout our journey with Mackenzie and my battle with cancer, the date JANUARY 19 came to mind. I picked up the book and immediately turned to the devotion for January 19. It was clearly a message that God wanted me to read...
"Then Jesus told his disciples...that they should always pray and not give up." Luke 18:1
"Prayer that uses previously unanswered prayers as an excuse for laziness has already ceased to be a prayer of faith. To someone who prays in faith, unanswered prayers are simply the evidence that the answer is that much closer." Streams in the Desert by L.B. Cowman
I am still extremely frustrated and have a lot of anxiety of things to come. Prayer is the one and only thing I can do take matters into my own hands and do something about my situation. As a control freak, I need prayer especially when I cannot control my circumstances. And when I am done praying, it is the ONLY time I feel truly at peace. It allows me to pour my heart out to God and to get my feelings off my chest. Prayer is the one and only way to get help from the one who is in control. This message was clearly meant for me on the day that I read it. It pushed me to re-evaluate my feelings on the effectiveness of my own prayers.
Surgery has been scheduled for Friday, October 1st. No more hyperbaric treatments until surgery is completed. For this I am so thankful. I needed a break. The goal of the surgery on Friday is to remove my flap and stitch up the hole that has not closed. Before the hole is closed, the bone will need to be shaved down. This will be extremely risky and may cause my bone to break. This is my biggest fear. If the bone breaks, there will be more surgeries to come. If it does not break and the surgery is a success, I may finally be at the end of my journey.
Please pray for my upcoming surgery. Pray for wisdom for the surgeon. Pray my bone will be strong and not break. Please continue to pray for the infection in the bone. Pray the hole will be able to be stitched closed. And pray for strength and peace for me as I am anticipating the upcoming surgery.
Thank you to those of you that have been sending wonderful gifts, cards and messages to help keep me going this past week. They meant so much to me and uplifted my spirits.