I was lying in my bed longing for answers. I just finished crying my heart out to God asking him WHY? Up until now I prayed fervently for healing...for the hole to close. But my prayers were not being answered. I was beginning to question the purpose of prayer. If prayers don't get answered...why even bother? I felt like giving up on the one thing that has carried me through this long journey.
I looked over on my bedside table and as I was looking at the book of devotions I had read throughout our journey with Mackenzie and my battle with cancer, the date JANUARY 19 came to mind. I picked up the book and immediately turned to the devotion for January 19. It was clearly a message that God wanted me to read...
"Then Jesus told his disciples...that they should always pray and not give up." Luke 18:1
"Prayer that uses previously unanswered prayers as an excuse for laziness has already ceased to be a prayer of faith. To someone who prays in faith, unanswered prayers are simply the evidence that the answer is that much closer." Streams in the Desert by L.B. Cowman
I am still extremely frustrated and have a lot of anxiety of things to come. Prayer is the one and only thing I can do take matters into my own hands and do something about my situation. As a control freak, I need prayer especially when I cannot control my circumstances. And when I am done praying, it is the ONLY time I feel truly at peace. It allows me to pour my heart out to God and to get my feelings off my chest. Prayer is the one and only way to get help from the one who is in control. This message was clearly meant for me on the day that I read it. It pushed me to re-evaluate my feelings on the effectiveness of my own prayers.
Surgery has been scheduled for Friday, October 1st. No more hyperbaric treatments until surgery is completed. For this I am so thankful. I needed a break. The goal of the surgery on Friday is to remove my flap and stitch up the hole that has not closed. Before the hole is closed, the bone will need to be shaved down. This will be extremely risky and may cause my bone to break. This is my biggest fear. If the bone breaks, there will be more surgeries to come. If it does not break and the surgery is a success, I may finally be at the end of my journey.
Please pray for my upcoming surgery. Pray for wisdom for the surgeon. Pray my bone will be strong and not break. Please continue to pray for the infection in the bone. Pray the hole will be able to be stitched closed. And pray for strength and peace for me as I am anticipating the upcoming surgery.
Thank you to those of you that have been sending wonderful gifts, cards and messages to help keep me going this past week. They meant so much to me and uplifted my spirits.
With love,
Sue
4 comments:
We continue to pray for you in this journey, Sue. You continue to teach us about endurance, hope and faith. We will be praying earnestly about your surgery.
Jeff and Cindi
Sue, We will be praying from now until after Friday...I looked back in my journal to January 19 and found my entry.."today we had an amazing, gentle,and beautiful snowstorm. I think each snowflake was 'specially sent from heaven. Today was most exceptional." Just like you, Sue..."most exceptional..." Continue to draw on your faith, family, and friends. You have so much to look forward too....hugs from Wisconsin! Kari Karrmann Sides
Writing it on my calendar. PRAY for Sue!!
Sue,
What a beautiful heart felt message. I have this wonderful book entitled "Drawing Strength from the Names of God" by Catherine Martin. It brings me comfort in times of anxiety, uncertainty, and fear. I picked out one name for you.
Draw strength from YAHWEH SHALOM- He is your peace. Ps. 29:11 The Lord gives strength to His people, the Lord blesses His people with peace. John 14:27 Peace I leave you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful.
2 Thess. 3:16 May the Lord of peace Himself continually grant you peace in every circumstance. The Lord be with you.
Philippians 4:6-7 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
In this book, it tells the story of an artist who was commissioned by a wealthy man to paint a depiction of peace. He first painted a peaceful country scene and then the serenity of a sleeping baby, but both submissions were rejected by his benefactor. Finally, after much thought, he prayed for inspiration from God. Suddenly, an idea came to him; he painted with unrestrained purpose and zeal. When his employer studied the finished painting, he looked at the artist and said, "Now this is a picture of true peace." And what was the painting? The fury of a stormy sea striking a rugged cliff. But under the cliff, snuggled safely in its nest, was a small bird, at peace though
the stormed raged.
Sue you are that small bird snuggled safely in God's Hand(nest). Rest in Him knowing that even as the storms rage around you- He will protect you and bring you peace. I also think of the sweet birds that were on your deck. What a sweet reminder...
It ends with this beautiful prayer. " Yahweh Shalom, thank you for being Sue's peace. You have a plan and will accomplish what needs to take place in her circumstances. When Sue has Shalom in her life, her direction, her calling become clear. Sue wants to see the mighty purpose you have for her. No longer will she pull back from talking with you, but she will seek Your face and celebrate her relationship with the Lord who is peace. " Amen
God has a plan that I am sure of. May you feel Him holding your hand for yet another surgery. And may you know that He is holding the surgeon's hand as He guides them.
Praying for peace-SHALOM
Love,
Nikki
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