Yesterday I met with my surgeon who will be performing the surgery on Friday. It was a difficult meeting for both me and my surgeon. We are both equally frustrated with my situation. During the meeting I was able to communicate, with many tears, the frustration, hurt and pain I have been experiencing these past few months. At the same time, he expressed how he wishes he could give me what I want, but he too has limits on what he can do to help me heal. Most importantly, I wanted him to know that I have lost hope and unfortunately we are at a point where he can give me very little. There are a lot of risks going into surgery on Friday. The biggest risk being the fragile bone in my face. My surgeon cannot guarantee what will happen when he burrs down the bone. And I did not sense a lot of confidence in his voice that it would not break. I am feeling very shaken and overwhelmed with anxiety. I so desperately need an end to my story. I am trying so hard to find it, but it just isn't there.
Since I have this week off of hyperbaric treatment, I have spent a lot of time desperately searching for hope. I have been looking for it in everything I do, everywhere I go and everyone I talk to. I am just not finding it. Throughout this journey I have always had hope...it was there through the chemo, through radiation and even through the big surgery. There were always positive results I could cling to knowing these treatments were working giving me much needed hope. This time is different. Nothing seems to be working. I am faced with disappointment after disappointment after each surgery and hyperbaric treatment. What I wouldn't give to have a few months before my next MRI free from worry, fear and surgeries. I would give anything to have time to live my life with all of this behind me.
My prayers this week are not only consumed with pleading for mercy and for healing but also pleas for hope and encouragement to get through this. Without hope, it is hard to feel at peace. I know it is out there and this week I am learning and trying really hard to be patient to wait for it.
"I will have reached the point of greatest strength once I have learned to wait for hope." George Matheson