Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Searching for Hope

Yesterday I met with my surgeon who will be performing the surgery on Friday. It was a difficult meeting for both me and my surgeon. We are both equally frustrated with my situation. During the meeting I was able to communicate, with many tears, the frustration, hurt and pain I have been experiencing these past few months. At the same time, he expressed how he wishes he could give me what I want, but he too has limits on what he can do to help me heal. Most importantly, I wanted him to know that I have lost hope and unfortunately we are at a point where he can give me very little. There are a lot of risks going into surgery on Friday. The biggest risk being the fragile bone in my face. My surgeon cannot guarantee what will happen when he burrs down the bone. And I did not sense a lot of confidence in his voice that it would not break. I am feeling very shaken and overwhelmed with anxiety. I so desperately need an end to my story. I am trying so hard to find it, but it just isn't there.

Since I have this week off of hyperbaric treatment, I have spent a lot of time desperately searching for hope. I have been looking for it in everything I do, everywhere I go and everyone I talk to. I am just not finding it. Throughout this journey I have always had hope...it was there through the chemo, through radiation and even through the big surgery. There were always positive results I could cling to knowing these treatments were working giving me much needed hope. This time is different. Nothing seems to be working. I am faced with disappointment after disappointment after each surgery and hyperbaric treatment. What I wouldn't give to have a few months before my next MRI free from worry, fear and surgeries. I would give anything to have time to live my life with all of this behind me.

My prayers this week are not only consumed with pleading for mercy and for healing but also pleas for hope and encouragement to get through this. Without hope, it is hard to feel at peace. I know it is out there and this week I am learning and trying really hard to be patient to wait for it.

"I will have reached the point of greatest strength once I have learned to wait for hope." George Matheson



Neveen said...

Sue, my thoughts and prayers are with you this week and always. I hope and I can meet up while I'm there in a few weeks....if you aren't up to a big group gathering (although I'm sure people would LOVE to see you!), maybe even coffee if you are up for it.

Anonymous said...


We pray for you everyday, and will continue to do that. And although you are strugling to find hope, please know that you give the rest of us hope.

Derek, Connie, Bella, and Nick

Anonymous said...

I will keep praying for a good outcome from the surgery and peace for you and your family!

Anonymous said...

Sue, I just checked the blog tonight. You just look ahead, even though I know how hollow those words may seem at this point. We are so proud of your strength and faith. We join you in prayer and enlist all we know to join you. I am glad you got a break with the chamber. We are here for you!

Anonymous said...

Dearest Sue,

When I asked God if there was a verse to share with you, something that would encourage and bring hope, he brought to mind the one about being near to the brokenhearted. And when I looked it up to type it here, I was amazed to see that the following verse references God's protection of our bones! Check this out!

"The righteous cry out and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crused in spirit. A righteous man may have many troubles but the Lord delivers him from them all; he protects his bones, not one of them will be broken." (Ps 34:17-20)

I find amazing hope in that word, Sue! I hope you do too! Keep your eyes fixed on Jesus who can love and heal you like no other!

Anonymous said...

We are looking ahead to good things and healing beginning on Friday.....keep your head up and be proud of your triumphs in this journey....there will be more! Kari Karrmann Sides

Anonymous said...

Keep believing in miracles, miracles still happen. The surgeon is only human, and can only do what a human can do. God is creator of all, his promises remain, believe that He is in control, and that He will do whatever is best for you, just keep believing....you always have hope. God will be with you on Friday, sheltering you, protecting you, and holding you. Lots of people are praying for you, praying that your bone doesn't break.
We'll be praying for you on Friday, and always,

Anonymous said...

I asked Archangel Michael to help you. He is with you right now. Archangels are large and powerful nondenominational angels who watch over guardian angels and the earth's inhabitants. Michael (whose name means "He who is like God") is the angel who eradicates the effects of fear, provides protection for you and your loved ones, and lends his courage and backbone in the face of your taking intimidating action. Ask Michael for guidance and help in moving forward fearlessly. Michael can also tell you what steps to take next on your spiritual path. Sue, to increase your courage and confidence, say with sincerity: "Archangel Michael, I call upon you now. Please lend me your sword and shield of peace, and allow me to lean upon your strength and courage. Help me to know and feel that I am safe and protected emotionally, physically, energetically and spiritually. Thank you." God be with you as all of us pray for your, Sue.

Anonymous said...

“I cry out to God Most High,to God who will fulfill his purpose for me. He will send help from heaven to rescue me,disgracing those who hound me. My God will send forth his unfailing love and faithfulness.”
Psalm 57:2-3/NLT

We are thinking and praying for you Sue. Best.
Joy Schwarting