Am I ready?

Yesterday I attended the funeral for my friend's husband. It was a beautiful memorial honoring his life and his accomplishments. I was so happy to be able to attend and be a support to my friend and her family. But at the same time, it was very hard for me to be there. When battling a life threatening illness, it is hard to face death. I often think about my own funeral. I think about the songs I want to be played. I think about who I want to speak. And I think about who will attend.

Among the speakers at the memorial was a Pastor that married my friend and her husband 13 years ago. He delivered a message that really hit me hard. At the end of the message, he asked everyone if they would be ready to die if it were to come today, tomorrow or in 5 years. I felt like he was speaking directly to me. Am I prepared to die? Do I have anyone in my life that I need to ask for forgiveness? Have I passed onto my girls everything I want them to know about being a confident woman with a passion for God? Have I loved Jason with all of my heart? Am I right with God? I think I was crying more than my friend was. In fact, she was amazingly strong. I was shocked when she got up on stage to deliver the Eulogy. She did it without breaking down. In addition to talking about her husband and what kind of man he was, she delivered a message of encouragement to those that are suffering or experiencing loss. In the midst of her own suffering she felt compelled to let us know that there is hope through God. In her message she shared the most comforting quote I have ever heard that she just happened to have written on her Facebook page the day her husband died.

"Be assured that regardless of where you are or what you are doing or what you are going through...in all things, in all ways, God is doing the most loving thing concerning you." - Roy Lessin

These past couple of weeks I have felt like I am finally on the mends. My strength is coming back. I am now on the lowest dose of pain medication and should be pain med free (other than Tylenol) in a week or so. I am barely using my feeding tube. Eating is going great. It still hurts, but I have learned what goes down the best. The sore on my tongue is still there but shrinking. Because of the progress I am making, and should my scans show no more cancer, I will be able to get my port and feeding tube removed soon. The only things that have been hard to deal with lately are the edema in my face. I visited with an Edema Therapist and she gave me some massages to do to get rid of the edema. They don't seem to be working very well. In fact, I feel as if the fluid is just shifting to different areas of my face. Sleeping at night has been difficult as well. I get an extremely dry mouth that gets pretty painful. I wake up every hour to rinse with a special mouthwash or to get a drink of water. Also, I found out yesterday that my ear drum has scarred over causing some hearing loss. I have an appointment on Monday with my ENT to see if I there is anything that can be done.

My scans...they are now looming over me like a dark shadow. I am feeling a lot anxiety about the results. I will not be weaning myself off of Ativan (anti-anxiety med) anytime soon. I am so scared to hear the news that the cancer is still there. I often wonder how I am going to handle this kind of news. It has been so wonderful (words cannot express) getting my old self back. To have to face further treatment or surgery will be so discouraging to me. It will be a time of needing much support and prayer from my friends and family.

Please pray for peace for the next couple of weeks as I await for the date of my scans. And please pray that if this cancer is gone that I will be able to remain strong.

In the meantime I just need to remind myself that no matter how scared or anxious I am feeling that God is doing the most loving thing concerning me.