Wednesday, October 21, 2009

My name is Sue, and I am afraid.

So I have been working on not being afraid this past week. Unfortunately, I am not doing so well. I am still scared out of my mind about the results of my upcoming scans. I don't sleep well at night and during the day I have moments where my mind is consumed with thoughts of what ifs. So it isn't as easy as I thought would be.

Today, a dear childhood friend sent me an encouraging note, commenting on my last blog about being afraid and in it was a completely different perspective on fear. This is what she said:

"I woke up in the night last night thinking about what you wrote and that fear is not from the Lord. While you are correct, I got to thinking who in their right mind wouldn't be worried given the circumstances? So in my mind I twisted it around a bit and thought of fear as just an intense desire to want to live! I believe that valuing life and your time here on earth is very Godly and that is from the Lord. So instead of looking at it as fear that the cancer may be back, look at your emotions as a true gift from the Lord that He has given you to fight this thing because He knows your will to LIVE!"

Isn't this a great perspective?! Instead of feeling like I have failed to trust in God and not be afraid, my friend made me feel normal and that it was OK for me to have fear.

When I was diagnosed with cancer, many things I read or heard indicated that I needed to think positively, to believe that I will be cured....that a positive attitude can attribute to the success of your treatment. Studies have showed... Do you know how much pressure this puts on a cancer patient? Anytime I started to feel afraid or have negative thoughts, I was scared I was preventing myself from healing. That I wasn't mentally strong enough.

I do have a will to live...more than anything. To live for my kids, for my husband. My time on earth is not over in my mind. I have so many more things I need to accomplish. And this is why I am afraid.

But I am also scared because it has truly been wonderful feeling close to normal again. Well, somewhat close to normal. I am not quite there yet. But I can somewhat function as a mom and a wife again and participate in life. To hear that the cancer is still there and that I will require further treatment causes me to be feeling of being "somewhat normal" will be taken away and I will have to go down a long road of healing...again.

And yes, I am afraid of the process of dying and dying itself. A fear that I have been trying to face head on.

So there...I am afraid and that is OK! Thanks to my childhood friend for reminding me of this.

I am officially off of my pain meds, IV fluids and no longer require the use of my feeding tube. Now I am attempting to wean myself off of some more medications. I am managing the edema in my face. The therapist has done wonders. Things are going relatively well. So now we wait...scans are a week from today.


Anonymous said...

My scans came back clear and I still have fear. Feel it, share it, keep living the best you can. That's my philosophy.
We are all praying for you!

Anonymous said...

We share your hopes for good results, Sue, and will keep praying you through. . . Love, love, love and peace to you!


Anonymous said...

Hang in there,Sue Baby! You are doing so well. Take time to appreciate and celebrate how much you have accomplished with grace. I guess I have always believed that we need spectrum to feel...and especially savor and rejoice for joy and blessings. Sending sooooo much positive energy your way!

Anonymous said...

Sue, You are making such progress, it is awesome! I think your healing process requires you to have moments of positive feelings as well as moments of fear... that IS normal. Much love to you and Jason and the girls.