Saturday, October 3, 2009

Second Chances

This week two people gave me a very special gift: a feeling of being beautiful again. I have been struggling with not feeling good about myself. I know...I am being vain once again. But it is nice to feel pretty once in awhile. My hair is still not growing back in some places, my face is swollen due to the edema, hair is growing in funny places, my eyebrow and eyelashes are still gone and so on and so on. I continue to hide under my hats and I am very aware at the stares I get when I out in public.

The other day I got a really special message from a wonderful friend of mine. I don't know what inspired her to write this but it could not have had better is what she wrote (by the way she is a teacher):

"Sappy Alert!! I was in a meeting today and we were discussing the upcoming contest that the kids are going to be having soon. They must write an essay entitled, "Beauty is..." and will be judged on explaining something that isn't exactly your typical version of beauty (no flowers or sunsets). As they were explaining I immediately thought of the most beautiful things I have seen in the last year and I almost started crying in the meeting. Oddly enough, I thought of your bald head and how to me, it is BEAUTIFUL because it reminds me of how amazing and brave you are. I thought of the days your face was a little red from radiation and to me it was a reminder of your amazing character and all you have been through. I've always called you Cute Sue and described you as my unbelievably cute friend but now you are what I think of when I hear the word beautiful. You're just as cute as you always have been but so much more as well. I told you it was going to be sappy but I just want you to know how impressed and amazed I am at your strength and honesty and courage. I miss you so much and hate that I can't run down and see you. Hope you're enjoying fall. Love ya."

Not only did this message make me feel beautiful on the outside, but on the inside as well. This past week I have been working on weaning myself off of the pain meds. As a result, I have been so crabby and short with my family leaving me to feel ugly on the inside as well. I haven't gotten so mad at myself because I made a promise that if I make it through this that never again will I be impatient or lose my temper with my kids or Jason. This is only one of many things that I want to change about myself after going through this ordeal. I have hated a lot about myself for quite some time. So when I find myself falling back into old habits, I feel ugly on the inside. I know I have a lot of changes going on with my body, but it should be no excuse.

So the second thing that happened this past week was something awesome Jason did for me. One day, Jason came home with several big boxes wrapped. He handed them to me with a big smile. I was so surprised. With the help of a wonderful friend, he purchased several new outfits for me to wear. I loved each and every one of them. They have added a new spring in my step and have helped me to feel better about myself. He somehow knew that it is exactly what I needed at the time. Throughout this whole ordeal, Jason has been so great about letting me know how beautiful I still am to him. He can look past the ugliness I see and still find me attractive. How? I don't know but it must be that unconditional love he has shown me for the past 10 years. I feel so lucky to have him in my life. He is my rock!

On a side note, this week we received terrible news that a close friend of our family, lost her husband. We have grown up together and our families have been spent a lot of time together over the years. I remember going to her wedding like it was yesterday. It has really made me think a lot about why God chooses to allow some people to live and allow some people to go. Should I make it through this, what is it that makes me so special to have the opportunity to live my life. Why is it that God choses to take my friend's husband at such and early cousin, my uncles, my daughter, Aubrey. All of whom had much more of a life to live. I will feel honored to have been given a second chance to live if that is what God chooses for me. And I hope that I will live it honorably and according to God's will. I hope that I will be able to make the changes in my life that needed to be changed including the patience for my family. God please give me that second chance.


Anonymous said...

Wow! What great words and actions of encouragement on the part of your "teacher friend" and husband. How uplifting! You are making so much progress, Sue, and continue to encourage others to walk with God as you go through this season of life. You ARE beautiful...inside AND out! I've known you for 20 years now (can you believe that?! 20 yrs since our freshman year at Biola!!), so I should know! :-)

Jennie K.

Anonymous said...

Wanted to share this with you...but couldn't until I found the exact wording:

""Faith' is trusting in advance, what only makes sense looking in reverse."

Be strong, my faithful, survior friend.

Much Love,
Jami Helvick

Anonymous said...

I have that bottle of champagne ready whenever you are and we can plan our future together! You are beautiful!

Anonymous said...

So glad to read that you feel happy and feel good about yourself. Uour teacher friends' words could not have been more true! Stay happy & strong you are coming around that corner!!

Tracy C.

Anonymous said...

I should know better than to read this blog at work because here I sit with tears running down my cheeks. I'm so glad someone else pointed out to you, the obvious to all of us. You are a beautiful person Sue, inside and outside. You are so thoughtful and caring when others are in need and you will be around for a good long time to pay it all forward again. I can totally see you being the strength for someone else to hold on to and guiding them through the darkness you have gone through with a cheery smile and a warm heart. I know it's not easy to be happy when you feel like crap and unfortunately we tend to take it out on those we love the most. The good thing is that you see it, you know you are doing it and you don't like it. Just deal with one fix at a time honey, you will have plenty of time to fix yourself all the way to perfect again!!! And what an awesome husband Jason is to surprise you with those gifts. He is a dear and you are so lucky to have him to share this journey with.

We think of you often and look forward to seeing you out and about the neighborhood again.

Keep writing Sue, it's good for soul and it's good for us to see the progress you are making and to be able to lend a helping hand when you need it.

Susan Thomas

Jeremy, Michelle, and Girls said...

You are such a blessing to me Sue. I thank God for you every single day. I think about you when I sit down at my computer, every time I drive around the corner, when I run on my treadmill and most importantly when I say my prayers at night. Whether you choose to wear your hat or not, you are always Beautiful to me! Be proud of where you are and how far you've come. Stand tall my friend, you are almost there!

Michelle E.

Anonymous said...

You are cute... beautiful... gorgeous... stunning... always have been, always will be. Bless your fabulous hubby. What an amazing guy! I'm so glad you have him to help you through this!
Love you,
Suzie Schuck Miller