Two weeks from today...

Two weeks from today I will be getting the scans to determine if the cancer has been successfully treated. My feelings on this....scared, crazed, fearful, hopeful, excited. Yes, my emotions have been all over the place. Just ask my family. I have been so crabby and isolated...obviously not handling it very well. The stress of it is getting to me.

The last couple of days I have been challenged by friends, family and God to not be afraid and to trust that God will not forsake me. "Fear not" was the message in my devotions today. It reminded me how many times "fear not" has been written in the Bible - hundreds. God does not want us to live in fear. So I am trying really hard to be brave through the weeks leading up to the scans. It is so hard for me because I am naturally a fearful person. One of the reasons I think I got cancer...to face my fears head on. Fear of cancer, fear of death and the list goes on. I hope and pray that some day I can not live in fear but live with confidence knowing that God has my back no matter what will happen.

In the meantime, I continue to battle a few side effects. I went to my Surgical ENT Oncologist on Monday to have him look at my ear. It seems that there is quite a bit of inflammation, scarring and fluid in, around and behind my ear drum causing the pain and hearing loss. This is a result of a combination of the radiation and an infection. To help drain the fluid, the doctor attempted to slice open my ear drum. Needless to say, this was extremely painful. The ear drum was so thick that he was unsuccessful and unable to make a big enough slice to drain the fluid. So I am now on ear drops and an antibiotic. He is hoping this will take care of the issue. But as of today, I am still experiencing the same pain and hearing loss and some bleeding from the procedure. I am hoping that this will get better in the next few days.

The edema in my face still exists. I continue to do my massages and get treated by the therapist. It doesn't really seem to be working yet. My eye is a constant waterfall. I can't leave home without Kleenex. I am hoping this is not a side effect that is permanent. It is a real pain in the butt!

On a lighter note...I should be done with my pain medication by Friday. I am no longer using my feeding tube. I am going to stop IV fluids by the end of this week! And I am significantly cutting back on most of my medications. I have been out and about going places I have not been to for months. The other day, Jason and I went to the mall to do some shopping. Jason could not believe how excited I was to see the mall as it came in sight. I was able to go out for lunch with Jason yesterday and out to dinner with my family the other night. It is so fun to eat out again. Yes, all this activity does exhaust me and I am in bed early every night. And I do not leave home without the hand sanitizer...I am applying it to my hands virtually every minute. I am making progress!

Prayers are needed for protection against the swine flu. It has now affected Mackenzie's school and I am so afraid that she will get infected. With both of our immune systems being compromised we cannot afford to get it. I wish the immunization shots would hurry up and become available. And please continue to pray for my side effects and for positive scan results.

Blessings,

Sue