These past few days have been rough. I have been an emotional wreck. When my family tells me you can do this, I just want to yell back and say NO I CAN'T!!! THIS IS AWFUL!!! The pain is intolerable. This morning I broke down and just sobbed...I did not want to go to my appointments today. Unfortunately, I had no choice if I want to live. So I dragged myself out of bed and got ready.
8:00 AM - Appointment with Lucy. She is the Physician Assistant that works with the Oncologist. If it weren't for Lucy, I would not have gotten this far. She is so understanding and gives me the perspective I need to calm down. After discussing the pain I have been experiencing, she decided to put me on another pain medication that is given through a transdermal patch. It will give me constant pain relief when combined with the other pain medication I have already been taking. Lucy also gave me some medications that will help with the mouth sores. She was not surprised at the level of my pain - patients that get reduction chemotherapy before radiation have a tendency to experience the side effects much earlier and more severely. We also decided that this week I will have a feeding tube put in. I am feeling relieved, but anxious at the same time. I had such a difficult time with anesthesia with my port surgery. But I think it will help me get through the rest of treatment and through the recovery period.
8:30 - Chemotherapy Shmeeotherapy - Yes, that is how I am starting to feel about chemo. So done with it. At least I am not getting the nausea I had with the reduction chemo. Back to the hot and cold flashes as a result of the pre-meds which includes a steroid. I might as well be going through menopause.
2:30 - Radiation - I think I am going to burn the mask they put me in when this is all said and done. Bonfire anyone? I have a love/hate relationship with radiation. Love that it will cure me...hate that it is the only path to a cure.
The hardest part of it all...I feel like I have hit a wall. I have been shaking with anxiety about what is to come. I can't take my Ativan because combined with the pain medications I would not be able to stand up straight. So I am going to have to learn to manage it mentally. What amazes me is that I make the conscious decision every day to subject my body to the things that cause pain and mutilation. It's crazy!!! Amazing what one will do to survive.
I love the messages that everyone left me on my last posting. They bring tears to my eyes. Please keep them coming. I cling to each and every word written.