Since being diagnosed with cancer, I have found it is easy to fall into a pattern of anger and bitterness. It is easy to question God and his existence. Why would God allow things like this to happen? No one should ever have to go through this. I admit, I have had many moments like this....being angry and questioning God. Why God? Why me? It would be easy to just turn my back on God. Unfortunately, it is times like these that cause people to turn on their faith and have doubts that God exists.
After a lot of soul searching and self discovery throughout this battle, I have come up with an answer to all of this. Whether it is right or wrong, this is the answer I am choosing to believe. This is my answer...
Who or what else do I have to cling to for a hope and a purpose in all of this? What are the other options? I certainly don't have the strength to rely on myself to get through this nor do I have the ability to heal. I can only rely on friends and family for love, support and encouragement. The doctors have the medicine and the technology to kill this cancer, but not once have they been able to give me any guarantee. No one but an almighty God can give me the strength, the perseverance, the peace to get me through this. And only God has the power to heal. By choosing to place my life in God's hands it has given me the opportunity to experience God on a deeper level. I have a better understanding of his love for me. When I place my trust in God, I can see his compassion and his faithfulness. When I start to place my trust in other things, I feel scared and shaken. Believe me, I am not always perfect at doing this. It is something I continue to work on. Yes, the anger comes back every now and then and the doubt consumes me at times. But, I find peace when I have faith and trust in God once again.
The first week of radiation/chemotherapy is done. Except for a couple of days of nausea and heartburn, it went relatively smooth. No side effects from radiation yet, mostly from the chemotherapy. The Radiation Oncologist has me taking a lot of preventative measures to minimize the side effects: Liquid Tears eye drops, salt and baking soda mouth rinses, fluoride treatments, skin care and more. I am nervous going into the second week. I am hoping the side effects from the chemotherapy will be the same and not cummulative and that the side effects from the radiation will continue to hold off. This past week, the Radiation Oncologist did say that there is no way they are able to avoid my eye during the treatments so there will be damage to my vision. Worst case scenario, I lose the vision in the right eye. During the treatments, I can tell when the radiation beams are hitting my eye. I can see bright lights flashing. It is very alarming and I am praying God will protect my eye as much as possible. One week down and six more weeks of treatment to go.