Saturday, June 13, 2009

One week down, six more to go...

Lamentations 3:22-26, 31-33  "Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is thy faithfulness.  I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.  For men are not cast off by the Lord forever.  Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men."

Since being diagnosed with cancer, I have found it is easy to fall into a pattern of anger and bitterness.  It is easy to question God and his existence.  Why would God allow things like this to happen?  No one should ever have to go through this.  I admit, I have had many moments like this....being angry and questioning God.  Why God?  Why me?  It would be easy to just turn my back on God. Unfortunately, it is times like these that cause people to turn on their faith and have doubts that God exists.  

After a lot of soul searching and self discovery throughout this battle, I have come up with an answer to all of this.  Whether it is right or wrong, this is the answer I am choosing to believe.  This is my answer...

Who or what else do I have to cling to for a hope and a purpose in all of this?  What are the other options?  I certainly don't have the strength to rely on myself to get through this nor do I have the ability to heal.  I can only rely on friends and family for love, support and encouragement. The doctors have the medicine and the technology to kill this cancer, but not once have they been able to give me any guarantee.  No one but an almighty God can give me the strength, the perseverance, the peace to get me through this.  And only God has the power to heal.  By choosing to place my life in God's hands it has given me the opportunity to experience God on a deeper level.  I have a better understanding of his love for me. When I place my trust in God, I can see his compassion and his faithfulness.  When I start to place my trust in other things, I feel scared and shaken.  Believe me, I am not always perfect at doing this.  It is something I continue to work on.  Yes, the anger comes back every now and then and the doubt consumes me at times.  But, I find peace when I have faith and trust in God once again.  

The first week of radiation/chemotherapy is done.  Except for a couple of days of nausea and heartburn, it went relatively smooth.  No side effects from radiation yet, mostly from the chemotherapy.  The Radiation Oncologist has me taking a lot of preventative measures to minimize the side effects:  Liquid Tears eye drops, salt and baking soda mouth rinses, fluoride treatments, skin care and more.   I am nervous going into the second week. I am hoping the side effects from the chemotherapy will be the same and not cummulative and that the side effects from the radiation will continue to hold off.  This past week, the Radiation Oncologist did say that there is no way they are able to avoid my eye during the treatments so there will be damage to my vision.  Worst case scenario, I lose the vision in the right eye.  During the treatments, I can tell when the radiation beams are hitting my eye.  I can see bright lights flashing.  It is very alarming and I am praying God will protect my eye as much as possible.  One week down and six more weeks of treatment to go.  


4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Sue, your blog is so honest and real. Your bravery in not only facing cancer but sharing what that is like is amazing. I so appreciate hearing your thoughts and knowing how to pray for you. The thing is whether we put on the brave face or tell it like it is, God knows what's in our hearts. It is so refreshing to hear your good days and your bad days. I believe you are touching my life and more lives than you can imagine. The impact of your journey on others can't even be known this side of Heaven. I hope words don't seem to hollow when you have so many real needs right now. But, I want to offer mine up anyway. You have always been an amazing person and you light up the lives of everyone around you. I think that is even more true now. Thanks for posting your poem about making friends with cancer. All those words are so totally true. It struck a chord with me over some difficult things I had to do this week and helped me realize I needed to keep my eyes on what was important and the rest just doesn't matter. Thank you for that!
I am praying for you and reading your blog and thinking of you all the time. Lauri

Anonymous said...

Sue,
As our family traveled this past week my son was busy taking pictures of birds for you. Each time he would see a bird, he would stop and grab the camera and take the photo. We would then stop as a family and pray for you. We continue to pray for you and that God will continue to give you the faith and strength when you can't find it on your own.

Love,
Julie

Anonymous said...

Sue,

Thank you so much for your honesty and for opening up your heart for all of us to see. You have ministered to me in so many ways through this blog, and I want you to know that. You are a source of encouragement and an example of what it really means to place your trust in the Lord. Thank you!! Perhaps one of the things God has in mind through this journey of yours is for you to minister to others and lead people to Him. :-)

Love,
Jennie K.

Anonymous said...

Hope you're hanging in there,Sue! Are you out and about much? We think of you,Jason,and the girls daily! Joan and Tom