Monday, June 8, 2009

Remembering...


The weather report said it was going to be a cold, overcast day with a possibility of rain.  I am at the start line, shoulder to shoulder with thousands of people and the friends that I have trained with for weeks to prepare for this day.  Adrenalaine is pumping through my veins.  I can feel the excitement and nervousness in the air.  It is my second marathon so I am feeling prepared for what is to come.  There is not a cloud is the sky and the sun has already started to beat down on our faces.  The weather report was wrong.

It is hot...90+ degrees and humidity beyond belief. We reach the 20 mile mark.  My body is hot and tired.  Kelly, who has not left my side, is keeping me going.  Up ahead we see Jason along with some friends cheering us on.  It gives me that extra boost I need to go a few more miles. Unfortunately, I am needing to stop and use the bathroom several times at this point slowing us down.  Something is definitely not right.  We reach the 23 mile mark.  There is Kelly's family cheering us on and her son Nick runs along with us.  It is keeping my mind off of what is going on with my body.  We reach one of the last water stops.  I make a poor choice and decide to keep going.  I want this race to be done.  I tell Kelly I will see her at the finish line and pick up the pace the last couple of miles.  Adrenalaine once again starts pumping through my veins as I see the finish line.  It is finally over.  I see Kelly coming up behind me with tears of joy in her eyes.  We hug and say "we did it".  It was a moment we will never forget and we are glad that we were able to share it together. Soon after, I feel myself falling apart. I tell Kelly I am not feeling well and duck into the medical tent.  I am now being placed on a cot and being hooked up to IV's.  I feel extremely nauseous and think I am going to pass out.  Nothing is working so they decide to send me to the ER.  I have never been so sick in my life.  I thought I was going to die.  

It is our first wedding anniversary.  I am 6 months pregnant with twins.  I have checked into the hospital to be on bed rest for the remainder of my pregnancy.  The doctors want to keep a close watch on my condition.  It is unknown what is going to happen to the twins.  That evening, the doctor decides to do an ultrasound to monitor the twins.  Jason is out getting takeout to celebrate our anniversary.  Sudden change in plans...twin #1 is near death.  If we want to save twin #2 we have to take them out now.  Before I know it, a neonatologist is in my room explaining the risks, complications and chances of survival for twin #2 and asking for permission to not intervene with twin #1.  She was too underdeveloped to survive.  I am in shock at this point desperately trying to get a hold of Jason.  They were already prepping me for a c-section as Jason comes in the door and is alarmed to see what is going on.  He has a look of unbelief on his face while he is putting surgical scrubs on.  

I am on the surgical table, feeling extremely sick to my stomach.  I am aware of what is going on around me, yet unable to do anything.  Twin #1, named Aubrey, is being held by a nurse in the corner of surgical suite as she is slowing passing away.  Twin #2, named Mackenzie, is surrounded by doctors as they attempt to intubate her, inject a drug into her lungs to make them strong and get her stable.  Jason is trying to spend equal time between the twins and myself. Soon, Mackenzie is taken to the NICU where she was to spend the next 6 1/2 months of her life.  Aubrey passes away after 30 minutes of life. 

It is 5:00 a.m. and  in 3 1/2 hours I am about to go through 7 weeks of radiation and chemotherapy.  This may be the most difficult thing that I am about to go through in my life. I am scared to death.  I am looking for the strength and perseverance inside of me that I had to finish that marathon two years ago.  I am hoping for the healing that God gave to our sweet Mackenzie who is now a happy 8 year old little girl.  

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

sue,
one step at a time, just like your race. you have soooooo many people praying for you.
please let us know how it went today.
thinking of you,
lynn

Anonymous said...

Hey Sue - you have been on my heart and in my thoughts and prayers all day today. Hang in there, the start does lead to the finish and even though it feels forever - it will come.
Heather

Anonymous said...

Sue,

I've been thinking of you and your family often today as you start out on this next step. Know that we're right around the corner and want to help in whatever way you need. Lots of prayers for you.

Jeremy

Jen said...

Sue, Just know that you are in my thoughts and prayers today, as you start this next phase of your treatment. You are loved by sooooo many and we are standing with you in this fight.

Lots of love to you and your family,
Jen

Anonymous said...

Sue-
I pray for you daily and I can only imagine the fear as you start this next phase. As I read your entries, I can see your faith and I know you are "opting for God and praying for deliverance from this pit of cancer." I was reading from a Beth Moore book called "Looking Up When Life Is Looking Down" and I wanted to share a portion.

"You can opt for God. The beautiful thing about opting for God is that you are opting for everything He brings. Because He is infinite, you will never reach the end of all He offers of Himself. Nothing on earth is like fully engaging with God. NOTHING. God's love is better than life. No one compares. If you are willing to engage God as your deliverer from the pit, the full- throttle relationship you develop with Him will be the most glorious thing that ever happened to you. Far more glorious than the deliverance itself. If you are willing. Here comes the challenge. Here's the deal: God wants everything you've got. Every egg in one basket. All the weight on one limb. This very moment He has His fingers gripped on your chin, saying, "Right here, Child. Look right here. I am your Deliverer. There is none like Me." God will be your complete Deliverer- or nothing at all. That's the one rule of divine rescue."
Ps. 62:5-7 My soul, wait silently for God alone, For my expectation is from Him, He only is my rock and my salvation; He is my defense; I shall not be moved. In God is my salvation and my glory; the rock of my strength, and my refuge, is in God.

Sue claim God as your deliverer and give Him your complete trust. Rest in Him.
Dear Heavenly Father- please deliver Sue from this pit of Cancer. Please protect her from the side effects of radiation, with your mighty hand shield her eyesight, her hearing, her mouth, and all areas that could be damaged by this radiation. In the powerful name of Jesus we claim you as her healer and deliverer. Please calm Sue's spirit and strengthen her being. May she feel your peace that surpasses all understanding and may she feel the power of your love and presence in her life.

In the mighty name of Jesus,
Amen.

Love and prayers,
Nikki

Anonymous said...

Dear Sue, a song for you:

When I fall down you pick me up
When I am dry you fill my cup

You are my All in All

Seeking you as a precious jewel
Lord, to give up, I'd be a fool

You are my All in All

Jesus, Lamb of God, Worthy is your name
Jesus, Lamb of God, Worthy is your name

Love,

Sally

Anonymous said...

Sue,

Day one of radiation is behind you! I know there is a huge valley ahead of you. I love what Heather said about "the start leading to the finish." We will be praying, praying, praying you through! Those of your friends who have battled cancer can run alongside you like Kelly, and maybe the rest of us are like Kelly's son Nick. We cheer you on the best way we know how, and run only as far as our little legs can carry us, but it's with lots of love in our hearts.

Your sister,

Cheri

Anonymous said...

I hope that you refresh yourself through God in many different ways. Remember everything is going to get worse before it gets better, but that wont matter anymore when God is here. Jesus died so we could live.

Jen

Anonymous said...

Sue, keeping you at the top of my prayer list as you take this next step in your treatment. I wish I had known sooner what you were going through...Your faith expressed in your blog is so beautiful. God is faithful, and he will carry you through this! You are already such a witness to his amazing grace, and I'm praying that he will strengthen you minute by minute, and surround you with his peace. I am believing for your complete healing, in Jesus' name!

Hugs, Jen Zick