Saturday, June 20, 2009

Discouraged

I am lying in bed waiting for the Tylenol to kick in.  Avoiding the pain medication that was prescribed yesterday.  I have an internal struggle going on...to take the Oxycodone or not to take the Oxycodone.  I am sure the pain will get to be too much to bare and the taking the pain medication is inevitable.  My throat is hurting, my tongue is raw and sores are breaking open in my mouth.  Eating is getting to be extremely difficult.  My taste buds are fried so everything tastes terrible.  It hurts to swallow.  I dread meal times.  And it is just going to get worse.  My attitude towards a feeding tube has completely changed.  I can't stand the pressure to eat and making sure I don't lose weight.  

I am having a difficult time this morning keeping positive.  This is definitely going to be the worst thing I have ever been through in my life.  At this point, I am not sure how I am going to get through this.  I hate not having a choice.  I must submit myself to the radiation and the side effects that go along with it.  I am angry that I have cancer in my face...why does it have to be in the face?  Radiation would be much more tolerable if it was somewhere else in my body.  

Since the pain started, the light at the end of the tunnel seems distant and too far away. Five more weeks of radiation seems unachievable.  I am so discouraged.  

16 comments:

Anonymous said...

Oh Sue, my heart hurts for you and I am so sorry you are going through this. I continue to pray for your healing and uplifting of your spirit.
Lots of love to you!
Maryann Raese

Anonymous said...

"Do not fear, for I am with you. Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand." - Isaiah 41:10

Grandpa wrote "Fear Thou Not!" in the margins of his Bible on this page. I saw it this morning. I was thinking about some of the tough things that he went through as well.

Continuing to pray for you. Hang in there. - Mark

Anonymous said...

Takng the burden of eating off of you and allowing you to get the nutrition through a feeding tube can really eliviate any undo stress, Sue. The other thing that can help you if you don't desire the feeding tube it to try Ensure. I know that the doctors have probably told you that, but it can help. We will pray for healing in your mouth, Sue.

Anonymous said...

Oh wow. I'm so sorry, Sue. I'm so sorry that you are in pain, that you're discouraged, and that you have to go through this. But be assured...there is a purpose in all of this, and it will be used for God's glory, as difficult as that is to see right now. I know that when I was going through a ton of pain with my back and having surgeries, it helped just a bit when I would think, "wow, this pain I'm feeling isn't even remotely what Christ must have felt on the cross. And He suffered for me!"

I agree with the comment above...Ensure is a really good thing to try. My dad did that as he went through his cancer treatments and it really helped a lot. In fact, he got "hooked" and still drinks it! :-)

Know that I'm praying for you.

Love,
Jennie K.

Katie Tierney said...

Hey Sue,

I wish we had time to talk today, but I understand what you're feeling. I am amazed at your strength.

You are always in my thoughts, and I am always here if you just need to talk.

I am sending positive thoughts your way. Call me if you need anything - even just an unbiased ear.

-Katie

Jen said...

Dear Sue,

I am so sorry that you are feeling discouraged today. Just know that you are constantly in my thoughts and prayers. There are no simple answers when life is difficult, but this I know - God love you, Sue, and He is holding you in His hand today. My favorite verse in all of the Bible is this one:

Jeremiah 29:11 - "For I know the plans I have for you," says the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you HOPE and a FUTURE." God has good plans for you, Sue, and you can do this. You are strong women and you can get through this next five weeks.

Lots of love to you today,
Jen Falk

Anonymous said...

Sue, reading your post today made me think of all my favorite verses about perseverance. Knowing all you've been through in your life it's hard to believe you have to endure more! So, I was looking over those verses again and this one struck me "but we rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us.". Romans 5:3-5. That light at the end of the tunnel that seems dim is hope. I pray that Hod will use the perseverance that he has already developed in you to bring about hope and carry you through the next 5 weeks. Love you and am praying for you. Lauri

Shirley said...

Oh Sue - I am just crying for you. I'm just so, so wishing each of us who love you could take a little bit of what you have going on - to lighten the load and make it easier for you. What can I say? You know we're all praying for you. My prayer tonight is that you will gain the strength you don't even know you could have - to endure this terror!

Reading your words made me think of Job. Such bitter effects. I hope you will cling to Jesus' promise that "...He will NOT leave nor forsake you" in all of this. Feel my love and warm hugs. Shirley

Anonymous said...

Sue, a worship song for you:

Thou, O Lord, art a shield about me.
You're my glory and the lifter of my head.

Thou, O Lord, art a shield about me.
You're my glory and the lifter of my head.

Allelulia, you're the lifter of my head!

Love,

Sally

Anonymous said...

Sue,

We are thinking of you and Jason and the girls on this Father's Day. . .

In the midst of such terrible pain and heartache we hope you find a glimmer of joy as you celebrate the good gift of Jason, the father and husband who can walk intimately with you through this difficult valley.

We are praying for mercy, and that God would shield you from any flaming arrows of despair.

Holding on to Him with and for you,


Cheri

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry to hear you so down today. We all wish it would be easier on you. I do feel you should just get the feeding tube. That is one less thing you will need to worry about and you can get the nutrition you need to help maintain your weight and your strength.

It meant so much to all of us to see you yesterday, thank you for coming over. I know it was difficult but it meant so much to Mary. And believe that in a few short months we will be having a champagne celebration for you also.

You are such a strong woman, just believe in yourself.

Love,

Susan Thomas

Anonymous said...

Sue

This discouragement is only a cancerous devil trying to take your focus away from your Savior and His healing power. Don't let it win!! Each day is a battle, and God is your mighty fortress against the enemy. If 5 more weeks seems too long, just think that you only have to take it one day at a time. If making through one entire day seems too great, just try to an hour at a time. Each minute that goes by is a success for you... you are LIVING with this cancer.... LIVING!!!! And even in this state you are in, you are such a blessing to your husband, your parents, your girls, and your many friends. KEEP FIGHTING!! That finish line may not yet be in sight, but when you ran that race with Kelly a couple years ago you couldn't see the finish line then either. You just took it mile by mile... stride by stride... having faith that it was there. This is no different! But the celebration when you reach the end will be so much greater!

Keeping you in my daily prayers,
Charla Melby

Anonymous said...

Sue, we're praying for you, for as much comfort as possible that you can find through this ordeal, whether it's a smile from the kids or Jason, or some special memory that helps you get through some of this. The Lord be with you each step of the way.

Jeff and Cindi

Anonymous said...

It was great to see you. I wish you were having an easier time. I wish I could do something to make the pain and stree go away. You are the strongest woman I know. You have come this far, you can make it the rest of the way. Fight, fight, fight, Win, win, win! You are in my thoughts and prayers always!

Much love,
Ruth L.

Anonymous said...

Sue,
I'm reminded of Daniel in the Lions Den. I'm sure you feel like there is no way out right now, but you will get out of this! God will protect you just like he protected Daniel. I just keep thinking that by August, you could be through this battle. That is so encouraging! This time will go by quickly for all of us not facing what you are, but know that we are here to help any way that we can. I'm praying that these next 5 weeks will pass quickly and relatively easily!

Love,
Michelle E.

The O'Briens said...

Isaiah 54:10
"Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed," says the LORD, who has compassion on you.

Hear this and allow the truth of it to warm your heart, soothe your pain, and calm your fears. God knows. He's been there, and He is there still.

Dear Lord, may every hardship Sue encounters be measured by the cross — Your greatest expression of love for us. Help Sue see how great Your love for her truly is. In Jesus Name, Amen.