Friday, September 11, 2009

I need strength and peace and much much more.

Isaiah 40:31 "Those who wait for the Lord shall change and renew their strength and power; they shall lift their wings and mount up as eagles; they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint or become tired."

When I woke up this morning I was feeling tired, weak, achy, and chilled. I am not sure what my body is going through right now, but it is really keeping me down and out. Needless to say, I also had a horrible night of sleep due to the drainage and dry mouth. I needed someone or something to give me strength to get through this day. The first thing I did was turn to God's word and my devotional book. The verse above was what I found. Yet, it had not fulfilled the longing that I had inside of me for peace and strength. I am worried that I am getting numb to what God is trying to tell me. That my faith is waivering. Trust, believe, wait...yeah, yeah, yeah I have done all of that and I feel it has gotten me no where. The second thing I did was to call my parents. I knew I could count on them for some encouragement and prayer. It felt good to cry and tell them how I feel and spend some time praying. But even my parents were unable to truly give me the strength and peace I looking for.

I am tapped out. I can no longer find the strength inside of me to get through this. I have trusted, prayed and believed as much as possible that things would get better soon. I am starting to think it just isn't going to happen. I feel so alone, from God, from my family, from everyone who has never been through radiation treatments. As the verse above says, I have waited on the Lord, and waited, and waited, and waited. I am still waiting to have my strength renewed so that I may walk and run without growing weary. Lord, how long does it take? How long are you going to make me wait?

Yet, no matter how discouraged I get, I am still drawn to God. I can't imagine going through this without him. I just need something...what it is I don't know. I think a miracle. What I wouldn't give to talk to someone who has walked in my shoes....who has experienced everything I have gone through. The only person I can think of is God...his persecution, his feelings of abandonment, his pain and his suffering. He knows and understands...so why can't he intervene on my behalf and make things better?

I really hate writing with such anger and negativity. I hate being this way. I hate myself for having these feelings. Cancer is an experience that strips you from all security leaving you feeling very alone...desperate for answers as to why it has happened to you. It definitely tests your faith and the relationships you have with your spouse, kids, family and friends. You are faced with the possibility of death causing you to be overwhelmed with fear. There is no joy in cancer.

Thank you for your prayers and words of encouragement. Although they don't always give me the peace I am looking for...it helps me to know how many people are praying. Your support also puts a smile on my face or allows me to cry it out. Now is the time I need your prayer the most. This is the hardest part for me. Not the chemo or the radiation treatments. The recovery has been the hardest.

Much love,
Sue


9 comments:

Jen said...

Dearest Sue,

Thanks for your honesty this morning. I want you to know that is OK...IT IS OK for you to be feeling hopeless - it is completely understandable. God certainly understands your feelings. I think in times like this, where you are doubting and afraid, you need to just rest and not try to "fix" how you are feeling. Your feelings are normal. It's when you are at you weakest that those of us who love you and are praying for you can come around you and hold you up. You don't have to pray - we'll do it for you. You don't have to believe right now - we'll believe for you. You don't have to be strong all the time - we'll be strong and have faith for you.

Just know that you are loved by so many and we are thinking of you and praying for you every day. And in the meantime, try to focus on the really good moments that you have had - going for a walk in your neighborhood, going to the fair. God still has his hand on your life and YOU WILL get better - I believe that with all of my heart!

Lots of love to you,
Jen

Anonymous said...

Sue,
I am sorry that you are feeling so alone. But God is with every step of the way. He knows your heart and what you are going through. When you look back at what you have gone through, you have come such a long way and you have remarkabale strength. I woke up this morning about 3:00 am and you came to my mind and I prayed for you. We all lift you up in prayer and love you.
Maryann Raese

mebeling said...

I understand. Call if you need me! I'm not very uplifting right now; but, I can commiserate.
Mary

Anonymous said...

Sue,
This is just a bump in the road to recovery. Life is full of bumps. Some deeper than others. Never forget that we can only do the very best we can at any given moment. You are an inspiration to a great many people.

Anonymous said...

Sue-

"Tired","Weak","Achy","Chilled","Down and Out","Terrible night's sleep", "Drainage","Dry Mouth","Numb","Taped out", "No Strength","Alone","Discouraged","Persecuted",
"Feelings of Abandonment","Pain","Suffering","Alone","Facing Death"
Welcome to the cause of Christ!

You are never closer,than when you suffer for His sake. Sue, you are so close. He is holding you so close. He is keeping you alive!
He know's your pain,..because he had to watch his Son suffer for our pain.
(You know that story also,...what it mean's to watch your child suffer.)

You are right! There is no joy in "having" cancer. But, how about the joy of living through it!
Christ was vindacated, when God brought him through it!
It is in the redemption, that the joy of life is found!
Sue, do not forget the larger story. Your role in it is POWERFUL! And the story of Christ THROUGH you is even more powerful!
You are in my prayers.
You are loved today.


You are right

Cordelia said...

Sue --- Remember, it's not YOUR agenda that's at work here. "Not MY will, but THINE be done." Right?
Odd that you should be feeling "down and out" on this day, 9/11. Keep the faith.

Cheri Mueller said...

Dear Sue,

I was awake for several hours in the middle of the night, praying for you. I am so sorry. So so sorry for what you are going through. We are here--so many of us, ready to be a supportive presence in whatever way might help. I know that people are not the "answer" you're looking for. But we can be the hands and feet of Christ. We can let you know that you're loved, and that you're being held and healed!

It's okay to doubt it, but I believe it for you: You're being held and healed.

Loving you,

Cheri

Anonymous said...

Sue,

I love you and am sorry your are struggling. I hope today is a little better and that tomorrow is even better.

Sending all my love and positive thoughts your way.
Suzie

Anonymous said...

Dearest Sue,
We stand with you in continuing to pray for the breakthrough God will bring. Waiting is so hard. We do not have the answer in ourselves. Thank you for sharing your heart so honestly. We will not stop praying.
Love, Julie and Lowell