When I woke up this morning I was feeling tired, weak, achy, and chilled. I am not sure what my body is going through right now, but it is really keeping me down and out. Needless to say, I also had a horrible night of sleep due to the drainage and dry mouth. I needed someone or something to give me strength to get through this day. The first thing I did was turn to God's word and my devotional book. The verse above was what I found. Yet, it had not fulfilled the longing that I had inside of me for peace and strength. I am worried that I am getting numb to what God is trying to tell me. That my faith is waivering. Trust, believe, wait...yeah, yeah, yeah I have done all of that and I feel it has gotten me no where. The second thing I did was to call my parents. I knew I could count on them for some encouragement and prayer. It felt good to cry and tell them how I feel and spend some time praying. But even my parents were unable to truly give me the strength and peace I looking for.
I am tapped out. I can no longer find the strength inside of me to get through this. I have trusted, prayed and believed as much as possible that things would get better soon. I am starting to think it just isn't going to happen. I feel so alone, from God, from my family, from everyone who has never been through radiation treatments. As the verse above says, I have waited on the Lord, and waited, and waited, and waited. I am still waiting to have my strength renewed so that I may walk and run without growing weary. Lord, how long does it take? How long are you going to make me wait?
Yet, no matter how discouraged I get, I am still drawn to God. I can't imagine going through this without him. I just need something...what it is I don't know. I think a miracle. What I wouldn't give to talk to someone who has walked in my shoes....who has experienced everything I have gone through. The only person I can think of is God...his persecution, his feelings of abandonment, his pain and his suffering. He knows and understands...so why can't he intervene on my behalf and make things better?
I really hate writing with such anger and negativity. I hate being this way. I hate myself for having these feelings. Cancer is an experience that strips you from all security leaving you feeling very alone...desperate for answers as to why it has happened to you. It definitely tests your faith and the relationships you have with your spouse, kids, family and friends. You are faced with the possibility of death causing you to be overwhelmed with fear. There is no joy in cancer.
Thank you for your prayers and words of encouragement. Although they don't always give me the peace I am looking for...it helps me to know how many people are praying. Your support also puts a smile on my face or allows me to cry it out. Now is the time I need your prayer the most. This is the hardest part for me. Not the chemo or the radiation treatments. The recovery has been the hardest.