Life is doing the best it can to get me to move forward. Life is no longer at a stand still but taking its course all around me. Yet I find myself with my feet planted saying "NO, it is not safe yet." Plans are being made for the future...exciting plans and I find myself hesitant and scared that something is going to happen to prevent them from coming to fruition. Plans for vacations, plans to finish our basement, plans for the Summer. I am scared these will all be taken away with bad news. My commitment to the future has a condition or an out clause. My ability to move on seems to depend on the results of this weeks scans. Should I receive good news, I may be able to move on. But will I really be able to do so? Will I finally be able to let my guard down? This roller coaster is far from over. I have more surgeries to face in the future. Will I be able to step off of the ride to rest every now and then if I find out the cancer is gone?
Recently, a friend gave me a book to read called "The One Year Book of Hope" by Nancy Guthrie. The author lost two children within 6 months of birth to Zellweger Syndrome. Through her grief she wrote this book about finding hope in the midst of pain and suffering. I have identified with the author on many levels as a result of my own pain and suffering. The book has allowed me to put into words my own feelings as as result of going through cancer. She writes...
"I would like to tell you that our desire to trust in God erased the fear we had about the future - but it wouldn't be true. What I will tell you is that we determined to trust God with the future of our family. And it wasn't a decision we made one day for forever. It is a decision we made again every day (or at least most days) and a decision we continue to make every day."
I found this to be true in my own life. I have to make the decision to trust God with my life and future every day. And on the days that I fall apart and start feeling afraid...it is good to know that I can start all over again the next day. No matter how hard I work on letting go and letting God, fears will always be there. Yet, when I wake up every morning asking God to help me get through the day it makes a big difference and easier to commit to the future.
Lamentations 3:22 "Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness."
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!
My appointment with the doctor today went well. He wants me to finish my current course of antibiotics. I should be finished with them in about one week. Should the infection not go away, they will then schedule surgery to remove the mesh in my face. At the same time, they will remove the IV port in my chest. We also discussed a future surgery to fix one of the bones that was transplanted my face. It will need to be corrected down the road.
My scans are on Thursday. I should know the results by Friday afternoon. My stomach is knotted up inside and I am filled with anxiety about the upcoming scans. But every day I ask God to get me through this week with good news to follow.
I am not feeling confident about the infection going away. It is going to take a miracle. So please pray...pray it will go away. And please pray for good news this week. I just want to be able to celebrate the upcoming holiday with family with joy and happiness knowing the cancer is gone and no surgery will be needed in the near future. It has been along time since we have been able to celebrate a holiday without fear and disappointment.
Thank you all!