Today I came home from yet another doctor appointment very discouraged. I am starting to think that the rest of my life will involve battling this cancer.
The doctors are discussing whether or not to place me on a low dose chemotherapy pill. I am not too happy about this as I feel like my body has been through enough already. They said they are not sure if it would do anything, but more or less give them a peace of mind that I am taking preventative measures to prevent this cancer from coming back. What makes them feel uneasy is that because the sinus area is so small, the marginal area that can be removed to make sure there is no more cancer is so minute. Compare it to skin cancer on your leg...the doctor can take as much skin and tissue as he wants to make sure he gets rid of all of the cancer. In the sinus area, the doctors do not have the liberty to take as much tissue as they want. So the chances of all of the cancer not being removed surgically is a lot higher. My Surgical Oncologist is still confident he got it all, but time will tell. An MRI has been scheduled for March 25th. The first of many to be done.
Then there is the infection in my face. During the reconstruction of my face there was a mesh lining inserted to somewhat hold things together. It is also supporting my eye and is acting as a lining to my nasal passage. He was able to see the mesh as he was looking up my nose. Typically tissue grows over this mesh, but it hasn't happened yet. My doctor is wondering if this mesh has an infection in it. Should the antibiotics not clear up the infection, they will have to surgically remove the mesh. This will put my eye at risk again. But he is hopeful that there will be enough scarring to hold the eye into place.
I walked away from the appointment in tears. Just when I thought I was getting to end of the tunnel, I am back in one again. I am having a lot of anxiety about the upcoming scan and about the possibility of being place on a low dose chemotherapy pill. I know that I just need to let go and let God. I am not in control here. I need to trust he is going to get me through these next setbacks. I need to go back to that dwelling place with God I found when I was down and out. It was so comforting and safe. I don't know why I ever left it in the first place.
What is more difficult is knowing when it will be safe to make plans for the future. Jason and I have been talking about planning a vacation for our family. I know I just need to plan my life and move on without worrying about the what ifs. But it is so hard for me to take that step especially when I get news like I did today.
On the positive side...I got the OK to take the boot off and start walking on my own again. It does feel very funny and uncomfortable. But I am hoping after a few days of walking on my leg without the boot and the assistance of the walker it will get easier. Yeah!
Please continue to pray...especially for the infection in my face. Please pray this cancer is gone and that it will NOT come back. And pray for my peace of mind now and for the future.