Tomorrow is the big day. Surgery at 3:30. I will either be jumping for joy with good news or devastated beyond belief with bad news. I am scared...not about the surgery itself, but about the after. Seeing Jason's face as he walks into the recovery room. Will it be a happy face or a concerned face? I will know immediately if the surgeon found cancer when I see Jason's face for the first time. Please God, let it be a happy face. I am also scared about what my face will look like....
Today I had an appointment with the surgeon that will be assisting my Surgical Oncologist. I learned that the mesh has been secured with 3 screws. To access these 3 screws, they may have to cut open my entire face again. They would cut along my current scar. As for my eye...time will tell. It will be too soon to determine whether or not my eye has enough support. Over time it may fall down or back. Should that happen, they will have to find a way to better support it or remove it all together. Recovery will take time again. My face will be swollen again. I am devastated...again.
I have had quite the conversation with God this past hour. He knows my heart and the disappointment I am feeling right now. I have begged him for Mercy and asked God for deliverance from all of this pain and suffering. I feel so alone. Yet, no matter how abandoned I feel, I am still drawn to God and seek him for hope and peace knowing his eyes see further than my own....
You have made waiting beautiful and patience divine. You have taught us that Your will should be accepted, simply because it is Your will. You have revealed to us that a person may see nothing but sorrow in his cup yet still be willing to drink it because of a conviction that Your eyes see further than his own. Father, give me Your divine power-the power of Gethsemane. Give me the strength to wait for hope-to look through the window when there are no stars. Even when my joy is gone, give me the strength to stand victoriously in the darkest night and say, "To my heavenly Father, the sun still shines." - A prayer from Streams in the Desert
If you could remember me in your prayers, I would appreciate it. Tomorrow will be a difficult day. Please pray that the surgeons will be able to use the least evasive measures to remove the mesh in my face. Pray that my eye will have the support it needs to stay in place. Pray for strength so that I may be able to handle whatever news I get tomorrow. Pray that recovery will not be long.
Thank you all,