Friday, July 17, 2009

Countdown is on

The countdown is on!  After today, I will have 8 radiation therapy sessions left.  I have now entered into the "boost" phase during radiation.  This means that the radiation beams are now concentrating on my sinuses only.  It no longer includes my neck or the other areas that they were covering to be on the safe side.  The skin on my neck is just about to break open and get very sore so I am relieved it is no longer getting any radiation.  

My pain is finally under control.  It is amazing how my mental state can change when I am not in as much pain.  I am not an emotional wreck as I was last week and I am a little more positive.  The mucus drainage is still a problem and every now and then I will gag and throw up. But the antibiotic that I am taking seems to be helping a little.  

Yesterday, I had an appointment with my Surgical Oncologist.  I have not met with him since I was diagnosed.  I have been anxious to speak with him about my prognosis and whether or not surgery will be required in the future.  He said that the goal of radiation is to cure me of the cancer.  They are hoping it will be gone.  The only concern still is the eye.  They are doing the best they can to radiate the area in the orbit that has the cancer without doing too much damage to my eye.  However, it is too hard to tell if the radiation is reaching the area of the orbit the cancer is in.  So please pray that radiation is doing its job and that the cancer will be gone.  Especially in the orbit!!!  If it is, I am done and cancer free!!!

Now comes the hard part for me.  Believing it can happen.  I think "believing" is THE lesson I have been learning lately.  Not only being taught to me by God, but my many of you as well.  I am someone that has a tendency to not look on the bright side.  I always expect the worse.  So as you can imagine, to believe that I can be cured has been very hard for me.  I get scared to believe because I am afraid of being disappointed.  I have seen God allow bad things to happen to so many people where the outcome has not been good.  So why would he allow me to live and to get rid of this cancer?   I am struggling with completely trusting the goodness of God and his love for me.  In my mind, I know he loves me like no other.  Why can't I 100% believe this in my heart?  It isn't hard for me to trust God with the little things in life.  But when it comes to my life, I struggle.   I am learning more and more about the depth of God's love through this journey.  When I look back over these past couple of months I can see the many blessings he has given me and how he has carried me through some of the darkest times.

Yesterday, I read in my devotions about the passage in Matthew 8.   Jesus had just come down from the mountain and began healing people afflicted with illnesses and diseases.  One particular man had come to Jesus asking him to heal his servant.   The difference in how this man asked Jesus to heal his servant, compared to the others in the crowd, was that he asked him knowing that God could and would heal him.  He asked out of faith.  And in Matthew 8:13 Jesus said to him "It shall be done for you as you have believed."  

Although I don't know what God's plan is for my life, I need to at least start with thinking and believing that he loves me.  And I need to believe that whatever God does with his plan for my life that it will be good, and I'll be blessed.  


Anonymous said...

I am so glad to hear your pain is under control and you are doing the countdown. After reading all of your recent postings my prayer focus for you has been on the pain. Praise God! Know that everything you felt and wrote, we all felt. God wants us to cry out to him and I'm glad you did as I have been too. I am sending you a big hug via this posting and will keep on praying for complete healing!

Love ya, Michelle A.

Anonymous said...

You don't know me---I'm a friend of your Mom's from her writing group---but I have been following your blog and admiring your strength. I have been praying for you all along, and will continue to do so. Keep up the fight. You are an inspiration (and a wonderful writer, too)!

Debbie Pea

Anonymous said...

Hang in there Sue! I continue to pray for you daily. Be strong!

Paula (Lieser) South

Anonymous said...

Just in case you can't see it from there....I am dancing in front of my computer right now. I am SO proud of you, Sue!

Atta girl! BELIEVE!!!!

Jami Helvick :)

Anonymous said...

It was so good to see you and visit a little yesterday! You look WONDERFUL, even though you don't feel it! There was so much joy in my house today with the girls here! You will be celebrating soon! I know it!

Michelle E.

Anonymous said...

Let the countdown begin! That's great. When I opened your blog, Claire looked at it and heard the music and said, "pretty" She is so right, your words and thoughts are as beautiful as you.
Love you,
Suzie (Schuck Miller)

Anonymous said...

The difficult journey is almost over. 8 more treatments remain and I know you can get through them. What is on the other side of this pain and suffering is so worth it.

As I was outside helping Gordon with the rings we put around our boulevard trees I decided that if you had to be "house bound" for a summer, this was/is the perfect summer. You mentioned in our blog earlier that you miss the summer. Sue, we do too. It has been the perfect summer for you to have your treatment and I decided then and there to not complain anymore about it anymore because it's a good summer for you to "miss".

Hang in there, we are all counting down with you and cannot wait until you are finished and can start healing and getting back to your life and your family and your friends.

Believe, you can do it and you will do it. We are all so proud of you!

Susan Thomas

Connie said...

Sue, I hope you don't mind, but this morning I printed out your latest blog and read to our congregation at Whig Church. Something just told me to do it: I know in my heart that you spoke to everyone there. They listened intently, and it was obvious your words had an impact.
We continue to pray for you.
Believe, as I do, that everything will work out for the best.

connie stephens

Anonymous said...

Dear Sue,

In eight short days you will be able to say;
I know 'what it means to be held'
I know what it feels like to be like JOB
I know what it's like to have little faith like a mustard seed,
I know what it's like to cry and have God hold all of my tears in His hands,
I know what it's like to be carried when I cannot walk, or even think,
I know what it's like to feel alone,
I know what it's like to trust even when all else fails,
I know what it's like . . .

Sue, you will shine, no matter what, because you know how to survive trusting your savior who gave you your thumb print forever and for eternity.
Don't lose heart and alway look up, because you know 'exactly what it means to be held'!

So, as Phil. 4:5b-7 reminds us, The Lord is near, so . . . be anxious for nothing, etc., and we continue to petition on your behalf for swift and full recovery.

We love you, Cindi & Jeff

Anonymous said...

Sue -

I just wanted to drop you a quick line to let you know that we are thinking about your every day. I hope you realize just how strong you are! It's pretty spectacular to sit back and watch you fight the competition. Pain... hunger... depression... You take them all on and win every time.

I'll put your determination and mental toughness up against any professional or Olympic athlete. You are superwoman. Don't ever forget or doubt that!!!


Jim, Ann, Alicia, and Kyle Walters

Anonymous said...

Hi Sue,

Thanks for the update. What a blessing to hear that the countdown is on! I will be praying for the effectiveness of the treatments in the eye socket with minimal effects on the eye.

As I was reading about your struggle to believe God will heal you, a sermon message that has stuck with me came to mind. The sermon was on the story in Mark 9:14-29 where the disciples cannot heal a demon possessed boy so they bring him to Jesus who can and does. But what hit me the most from the sermon was the pastor pointing ou the brutal honesty of the boy's father. Jesus asks the man how long the boy has been possessed, and he tells him and then says to Jesus, "But if You can do anything, take pity on us and help us!" Jesus responds, "'If you can!' All things are possible to him who believes." The father is then completely honest with Jesus, "I do believe; help my unbelief." Jesus blesses his honesty and heals the little boy. I would argue that there is most often an element of unbelief in all of our lives, and Jesus wants us to be honest about it, which you have been all along. I encourage you to read the passage with a new perspective. This man lived during the time of Jesus and undoubtedly either saw or heard about Jesus' miracles, yet there was still an element of doubt and questioning. Jesus understood and blessed him anyway. I hope I conveyed the pastor's meaning as I hoped to. Blessings on your week!

Love and prayers,

Jen Zick said...

Believing for you and with you! Looking forward to the good news!!

Anonymous said...

The end is in sight!!! You can do it!!!!! I am so proud of you. You amaze me!!! I am a "glass half empty" person too, but there is no reason to BELIEVE you won't be cancer free after this treatment. I am praying the last treatments go smoothly. Love, Ruth L.