My pain is finally under control. It is amazing how my mental state can change when I am not in as much pain. I am not an emotional wreck as I was last week and I am a little more positive. The mucus drainage is still a problem and every now and then I will gag and throw up. But the antibiotic that I am taking seems to be helping a little.
Yesterday, I had an appointment with my Surgical Oncologist. I have not met with him since I was diagnosed. I have been anxious to speak with him about my prognosis and whether or not surgery will be required in the future. He said that the goal of radiation is to cure me of the cancer. They are hoping it will be gone. The only concern still is the eye. They are doing the best they can to radiate the area in the orbit that has the cancer without doing too much damage to my eye. However, it is too hard to tell if the radiation is reaching the area of the orbit the cancer is in. So please pray that radiation is doing its job and that the cancer will be gone. Especially in the orbit!!! If it is, I am done and cancer free!!!
Now comes the hard part for me. Believing it can happen. I think "believing" is THE lesson I have been learning lately. Not only being taught to me by God, but my many of you as well. I am someone that has a tendency to not look on the bright side. I always expect the worse. So as you can imagine, to believe that I can be cured has been very hard for me. I get scared to believe because I am afraid of being disappointed. I have seen God allow bad things to happen to so many people where the outcome has not been good. So why would he allow me to live and to get rid of this cancer? I am struggling with completely trusting the goodness of God and his love for me. In my mind, I know he loves me like no other. Why can't I 100% believe this in my heart? It isn't hard for me to trust God with the little things in life. But when it comes to my life, I struggle. I am learning more and more about the depth of God's love through this journey. When I look back over these past couple of months I can see the many blessings he has given me and how he has carried me through some of the darkest times.
Yesterday, I read in my devotions about the passage in Matthew 8. Jesus had just come down from the mountain and began healing people afflicted with illnesses and diseases. One particular man had come to Jesus asking him to heal his servant. The difference in how this man asked Jesus to heal his servant, compared to the others in the crowd, was that he asked him knowing that God could and would heal him. He asked out of faith. And in Matthew 8:13 Jesus said to him "It shall be done for you as you have believed."
Although I don't know what God's plan is for my life, I need to at least start with thinking and believing that he loves me. And I need to believe that whatever God does with his plan for my life that it will be good, and I'll be blessed.