Friday, July 3, 2009

Moving Mountains

I think I have hit an all time low. I find myself breaking down and sobbing throughout the day. I am physically and mentally done. I am having a hard time finding it within myself strength to get through the last few weeks. I just want to crawl into a hole and never come out. 

I think I am also down because Fourth of July weekend has always been a highlight of my year. This year, I have to sit and watch the fun and activities take place all around me without being able to participate.  By the time I am done with radiation therapy and have healed, Summer will be over.   

The only thing that is going to get me through these next few weeks is an overwhelming sense of peace and the presence of God.   It is going to take a miracle to get down the other side of the mountain.

I want you to face the mountain
so that you can see,
when the mountain is out of the way
all there is left is Me.

Only I can move the mountain,
only I can push it away,
only I can conquer the problems
that you face today.

Your only job is to believe, 
to listen to My voice,
and when you hear what I command,
obedience is your choice.

But I will not make it too difficult 
for the victory is already Mine,
and I will fill you with My Spirit and through
you My grace will shine.

Not when you are perfect,
like you think you need to be,
but when your heart is willing to become
more and more like Me.

"Not by might, nor by power, but by My Spirit...says the Lord of hosts."  Zechariah 4:6


Anonymous said...

Look to the future will get better! I hear and I understand, I have been there and I know that it will get better! My thoughts and prayers are with you daily.

Shirley said...

Oh Sue, my heart is so with you. You are allowed to be down and feeling like you do but - also, you are right. HE is the only one that will get you to the other side of your terrible mountain. One day you will look back and like the pain of childbirth - find it hard to believe that you've actually climbed this giant! I just keep praying for your physical and mental strength to hold. Grab on to God! Let the tears come as I think they wash out some of the pain of your struggle. I know there is probably no comparison to what you're going through, but in my repeated moments of mourning Ron's absence in my life, I feel like I just want to fight the actual truth of his being gone "forever" - but then there comes an inner coverlet that rests on my soul that feels like satin and I tell myself (and believe) it is God's Spirit just comforting me. I pray that for you in your pain and anguish can will feel that sense of His love just hugging you close.

I pray you can find the strength to stay strong!

The music you choose is so beautiful! Where do you find it. So lovely!

Until next time...

Anna Raese said...

Sue -

I love everything Shirley said above - in my times of mouring and grief I have struggled with yearning for a lost loved one and I cry out to God. He hears all, He knows all and He also hears each sob and sees each tear we cry. Those that have been in the strongest storms know the only true shelter and protection our Heavenly Father gives. You may be missing this Summer Sue but it is so you will have many more summers to come. As I was reflecting on this Independaence Day and how the many men and women gave years of their lives for our freedom and what they missed in those years while they were serving our country but it was so that they and we, could have many more years of freedom. You are in a battle right now, and it is battering your soul...KEEP ON FIGHTING!!! Remmeber what you are fighting for and who. Your battle is almost done and soon you will have time to heal and rest and recharge your mind, soul and body, cancer free. Wrap your arms tight around our anchor Jesus Christ and know you are being prayed for and fought for.

Anonymous said...

One day at a time, sweetheart, one day at a time. Or one MINUTE, if that's what it takes. Remember all you and Jason went through with Mackenzie, all she went through, and look where she is now! This is the time for you to just let go, rest in the hands of our eternally loving Father, and know that He is caring for you in the darkest of moments. Let go and let God do the things that you just can't do right now.

Love and prayers, Bev

Anonymous said...

Dearest Sue,

Perfect Peace. . . LOVE this song. Shirley's right, you find the most amazing music. The song makes me think of Isaiah 26:3-4 "You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, THE LORD, is the Rock eternal."

The reason I remember this verse is because I once learned that "perfect peace" actually translates "peace peace" in Hebrew. Like a double portion of peace.

It moves me to know that the Spirit of God is giving you peace during this sad and weary climb down the mountain.

I love you, and pray that although you can't ski and swim and celebrate this Fourth of July in the way that you'd like, somehow you can celebrate the life IN YOU and All AROUND around you. Watch, and wait, and KNOW that you're in the very heart of God, Sue, the very BEST place to be.

Peace peace to you!



Anonymous said...


Have heard of your illness from my old college roomate Ron Scott. Have been following your blog for the past week and had to write. I will never forget what you and Jason went through with Mackenzie in the NICU. God was not only with you, but he used you as a real instrument of His love to all of us who were caring for Mackenzie as well as to many other parents in the NICU. You are a strong person, and, most importantly, you have a deep faith that will carry you through this ordeal. I pray for you and your family daily.

Ron Hoekstra

Anonymous said...

Sue, I know it's difficult, I know it's a struggle but you have to believe. You are putting in this summer of pain and anguish for a lifetime of many more summers with your family and friends. Just look at how much you have come through and you have only a few short weeks left now until you are done with your treatment. At that point you can begin to heal and look forward to a wonderful holiday season with your family and friends and a renewed sense of what life is really all about. Sometimes we have to go through the pain to find the joy and content on the other side. Believe, I know you can do it. You are my hero. You are in our thoughts and prayers daily.

Susan Thomas

Anonymous said...

I'm a high school friend of your sister Cheri. I've been reading your blog and am so inspired by you. You truly are a faithful servant of God who has more strength than you realize. I'm praying for you and your family during this trying time.

Anonymous said...


You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers daily and please know that I will continue to pray for you and your family. You are strong!!!!

Ruth L.

Anonymous said...

Hi Sue,
As a former marathon runner, you know this is the hardest stretch. You are close to the finish line and you have endured much!!! Now is the time to dig even deeper and keep your eyes on Jesus-one foot in front of the other-one step (day) at a time. You inspire us all and we are cheering you on... can you hear it?... can you feel it?... you are not alone in this race... we are praying and cheering for you!!!! God is running the race with you and will celebrate at the finish line with you!
In my devotional today Paul encouraged Corinthians in their trials: "Do not look at the things which are seen, but the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are are not seen are eternal" (2 Cor. 4:18) So what is unseen and eternal that we can look at? The character of God is an excellent place to focus. He is good (Ps. 25:8) He is just (Isa. 30:18), He is forgiving (1 John 1:9) and He is faithful ( Deut. 7.9). Pondering God's character can give us joy in the midst of our struggles.
May God fill you with strength, joy, peace and hope in this last stretch of your race. May God place his hand of mercy and healing on you!! Remember Sue you are a child of God, you are special and you are loved!!

Love and prayers,

Mark Teskey said...

Hi Sue - you have been on my heart - I keep counting down the days of your treatment and want you to find such hope in three weeks left but I also realize that can feel like a lifetime. It was great to see you parents, Jason and the kids this weekend - I just missed seeing you.
Hang in there. Enjoy the small joys you find in each day - especially through that amazing family surrounding you.
God bless you.

Anonymous said...

Hi Sue,

You will make it through and you will be healed. Keep on fighting! We love you and pray for you everday. Stay strong we are all right here for you.

Tracy & Matt