Monday, July 13, 2009

Grief and Anger

I spent most of my weekend grieving....grieving many of the losses I have felt over the last few months...loss of my hair; loss of my strength; loss of my body; loss of choices; loss of time spent with my family; loss of joy.   I also spent most of my weekend letting out my anger....anger at God.  Shaking my fist at him asking what it was that I did to deserve this.  Asking him what are the limits that he will allow in pain and suffering.   It felt so good to yell out at God and say "I AM SO ANGRY AT YOU GOD!!!   WHERE ARE YOU IN ALL OF THIS?  I DON'T UNDERSTAND!!!!"  I am so glad that we have a God that we can do this with and know that he will still love and care for us.

This past weekend was so tough.  Not only because all of the emotions that I have been experiencing, but because of what my body is going through.  I have been experiencing a lot of nausea due to all of the mucus and drainage from my mouth and nose.  I have thrown up a few times which is not fun with all of the sores in my throat and mouth.  It has been difficult to keep on top of the pain.  The sores in my mouth are breaking open.  I think I might have another sinus infection.  And I am just tired.  Last night I spent some time in the ER getting some pain medications for some temporary relief and IV fluids for dehydration.  It was so unbearable.  

I am really struggling with whether or not to keep updating all of you on what I am going through.  It is really tough right now and I worry I am being too depressing.  But all I can do is be honest with what is going on. There is nothing good about it.  This is the reality of cancer.  So I apologize.  But after reading the many messages left today on my blog, I decided I would sink into a deeper hole if I was not able to read your messages of encouragement and support.   So I will continue.  The blogs may not be as frequent so please be patient.  





 

15 comments:

mebeling said...

Keep going Sue! This can be cathartic and healing too! My word for today is GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!! I feel your pain. Have you asked about taking some allergy medication for the drainage? That really helped me. I know it is more medication; but, it actually took away one issue. When I can make it down the street I have a new book for you. One of my butterfly group people recommended it and if you can't read it right now, your family should. I'll let you know when it gets here so that if I can't make it down we can get it to you some way.

Anonymous said...

Sue,

Please vent all you want here. A blog is a great tool for this! And then we can support you and encourage you, and know how to pray for you. I just can't imagine what you are feeling and how tough life is for you right now. I wish I could do something to take your pain away. I will continue to pray for you...in fact, maybe an update in the next few days with specific prayer requests? (though we can pretty much infer from what you've written) But sometimes it helps just to write them out, I've found.

Love,
Jennie

Anonymous said...

Hi, Sue -- I check your blog all the time because I am thinking about you and praying for you everyday! You have every right to vent and be angry so don't ever feel like you need to put a filter on your feelings. We all understand if you don't feel like trying to put on a happy face. I admire your courage -- keep chipping away at this. I know you can do it. Love, Tracy G.

Anonymous said...

Hi Sue,

I want to start by telling you that you are such a strong and courageous person. I just want you to know I have been following your story from day one and have been praying for you and your family. I think that thru your story, you have been touching lives in more ways than you know. I know you have been an inspiration to me! You are to be commended for being so open, honest, truthful and brave about your journey and I want to say thank you for sharing it with everyone. I know God will see you thru! Just know everyone is here for you whether you feel like updating or not. I think we have been blessed by what you have shared so far. I send you strength, comfort, love and understanding from above. U take care, your friend from long ago in Phx, AZ FS

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry you are in such pain. If you don’t feel like writing please know we are all here for you thinking about you and praying for you always. If you feel like venting please know that we are here to listen, pray in any way that you need us to, and give you words of encouragement and support to help you through this. Never give up!

Love Ruth L.

Jen Zick said...

Sue, thinking about you and sending out lots of prayers for strength and peace in this process. Thankfully, we have a God that understands our human emotions and limits, because He designed us. He doesen't judge your anger and grief - and certainly none of us do. Your honesty helps us all learn and reflect. There WILL be better days ahead!!
Hugs, Jen

Anonymous said...

Over the years, Kelly has shared so many stories with me about her friendship with you and who are you as a person, so it didn't surprise me that you wrote that, in all your pain and suffering, YOU were worried about how WE were all feeling in this! You are amazing, Sue, and your gentle soul and kind spirit shines through, even in this dark hour.

PLEASE continue to write when you feel up to it. There are so many of is praying for you and you are a GIFT to all of us...A reminder that God is there for us at all times and that we should cherish each day we have and fight to keep what is true and real alive.

Always in my prayers,
Charla

Anonymous said...

Sue,

You're in my prayers whether you post or not as I know you are with many others. Hang in there, we're supporting you in prayer, you're almost there.

Mark K.

Shawn Anne said...

LOL Sue. Leave it to you be worried about how *we* are feeling. ;)

Please do keep writing. It's a great release for you and it's also a good way to keep yourself in touch with how you are feeling about things. That's what I love about your writing. You dig deep and are so honest. It does help the rest of us who are trying to understand too.

We're here for you (if I may speak for everyone). You can do it.

Shawn Anne

Anonymous said...

Sue,
You don't need to justify your reasons for updating or not updating. You have to do what's best for you in this moment. You are almost there. I know you feel like this is as low as you can go, but I have to believe that it can only get better. Keep those little blessings close...your beautiful girls, the fact that you have a few short weeks left, the fact that you still have your eyesight! You can do this Sue! There are so many praying for you, whether or not you keep us updated! Hang in there Sue!

Michelle E.

Anonymous said...

Sue:

A blog is first and foremost a personal journal. Do this for YOU, not for any of us readers. Do what helps YOU! And whatever you post, it just helps us know how to pray for you better. Write what helps you to get through this.

Praying for you earnestly,

Jeff (and Cindi) S.

Anonymous said...

Please don't stop writing this blog if you feel up to it. We know how difficult battling cancer can be, how alone you feel in your struggle, how hard it is to get people to understand how you feel and how angry you can get. As a woman, you need to vent, you need to talk about this and share it. It can be healing for you to let it out and you can say things on here that maybe you can't say to your parents or your husband or children. We will listen as long as you have something to say and we will pray for you and be there for you as long as you need us.

You are so close to the end now and you just have to be strong, believe in yourself and your strength and know that you will come out the other end of this a stronger, more loving, compassionate person. If we can take any of this burden from you in any way we are more than willing to do that and if it means reading and responding to your blogs, then we will do it.

You have to hang in there, the finish line is so close Sue, gather the strength and make it through that finish line. You can do it, you really can.

Susan Thomas

Anonymous said...

Sue,
You keep posting. We will keep praying.

a follower of your blog

Anonymous said...

Hang in there! I do not know you personally but I recently heard about what you're going through. I'll be praying for you.

Anonymous said...

Hi Sue! You hang in, Hon! Eye on the prize, Baby! Keep that surgery away! I think of you every single day! I'm excited to see you soon! Email me a craving... Joan