Friday, July 10, 2009

I miss

I miss my girls.  I miss the time I spend with them.  I miss the days that I could hug and kiss them without being afraid of getting sick.

I miss Jason.  I miss date nights.  I miss sharing alone time with him.  I miss the days I could kiss him without being afraid of getting sick.

I miss Summer.  I miss playing outside with the neighborhood kids.  I miss talking with the neighbors.  I miss going to the pool.  I miss soaking up the warm sun.  I miss going to the cabin.

I miss me.  I miss myself running in the mornings.  I miss my laughter.   I miss my ability to choose.  I miss my hair.  I miss myself enjoying life. 

I miss food.  I miss chips and salsa.  I miss going out to eat.  I miss enjoying a simple glass of wine.  

I miss my faith.  I miss seeing God in all of this.  I miss feeling peace.  

God, I am missing a whole lot right now.  I am hurting and in pain.  I am scared of enduring what the next couple of weeks will bring.  I don't think I can do this much longer.  Breath on me your peace and power.


Anonymous said...

I hope you're feeling better today. You're getting closer and closer to the end of this leg. Hang in there! See you soon! Joan

Anonymous said...

What a prayer.... may it be answered.
Know that all of us are counting down the days
right along with you... and looking forward that bon fire!

~Charla Melby

Anonymous said...

Sue, a song for you:

Breathe on be breath of God.
Touch me with your healing power.
Take me to the cross.
Holiness is my desire.

Breathe your life in me.
Breathe your life in me.



Anonymous said...

I know no words can be of comfort, but just try and remember that once this is over, all that stuff will be waiting for you. Your family will be there waiting for you, everything you mention will be there waiting for you. And, once this episode is behind us, you will enjoy all those things more than you ever did!!!

God is there. Stay strong, pound through it, and know that all those things you mention are waiting for you to get better.


Anonymous said...


I miss...YOU! And our Biola reunions! I'm looking forward to seeing you again soon, as we MUST do a special reunion when you are all recovered and able to travel again. Hang in there! I'm praying for you, and I have the ladies in my Sunday school class praying as well.


Anonymous said...

My long-time verse that has gotten me through various trials is Philippians 4:13. "I can do all things through Christ who strenthens me." I can't imagine what it takes to apply that verse to what you are going through, Sue, but if anyone could speak to what it takes, it would be you. May you rest in the Lord's arms and have all the strength that he can provide.

Jeff (and Cindi)

Anonymous said...


My heart aches for you, because I loved to watch you and the girls and hear about how much fun you all have together, and I loved to see you and Jason go out and enjoy each other. Those days will be back, and they will be better than ever. You are a wonderful mommy, wife, and friend, and this cancer cannot take the love you have for your children, husband, and friends from you. Though I know that doesn't make this time any easier, I pray that you are able to keep your head up and focus on what is to come. The road to get there may be long, but the end is in sight.

Love you all,

Anonymous said...

Dear Sue,

Mackenzie was lucky in that she never knew in what dire straits she was many times, how many times it seemed like her life hung on by a thread. Unfortunately, as grown-ups we know too much about what is happening, what might happen, what we are afraid of having happen. We have memories of good times, and anticipations for the future. Right now you're tired and sick and the future looks grim, but you've only got a few short weeks now till you can have a respite from the treatment that is bringing you down. Look back at all the days you've gone through already, compared to what lies ahead, and take heart. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths." You ARE going to get through this!

Bev Johansen

Anonymous said...

You have 2 chemo treatments remaing and 11 more radiation treatments to go. You have come this far honey, I know you can reach the finish line. I'm pulling for you, we all are. We are here to cheer you on, to keep you focused on the goal so gather your strength, gather your determination and "get it done". Then you can get on with the rest of summer, the sun, the girls, the beach, a date night, a glass of wine, chips and salsa, all the good things in life are yours to enjoy once you reach your goal. Believe Sue, you know you can do it. You have so many people in your corner and such a huge reward waiting for you once you finish.

Susan Thomas

Anonymous said...

Your girls are incredibly resilient, and just you being in the house (whether you are right next to them or not) is comfort more than you even realize. And they will always be there waiting for you with their arms wide open and lips puckered up...

Jason is still there, just things have changed a little bit. Ha! Nights out are now nights in. And I know, that you know, just having him sit beside you means more to you than he may even realize.

Summer will ALWAYS come back. I missed autumn, my favorite season, and all the traditions that went along with it. It simply made the next autumn that much sweeter.

You want your body back. No more schedules, no more rules, no more flabby thighs or boney fill a bra again. To go up a flight of stairs without resting in the middle, to go out and get the mail without being winded, to have skin that doesn't make you feel like a teenager again on a "bad skin day." And oh, to use a hairbrush, hairdryer, and a flat iron again...

Isn't it a true blessing to live to eat, instead of eating to live? (Although chemo has permanently ruined peanut butter for me...yuk!)

And God is ALWAYS there. You know that already, but it is hard to really believe when the evil one is putting those "gee...where is He in your greatest time of need" thoughts in your head.

It sucks, Sue. It really does. But you CAN do this. You have those girls, Jason, summer, your "first" haircut and highlight, and strawberry pie to look forward to...knowing full well that it was God who carried you ALL the way through.

It gets sweeter, my friend. Much sweeter.

Much Love,
Jami Helvick

Anonymous said...

Dear Sue,

I'm so glad you have friends like Jami who truly "get it." You help us understand and know how to pray with your honest updates, but still, friends who have walked with and survived cancer are AMAZING gifts.

When I'm at a loss for how to be encouraging, I read a message like Jami's above, and I cheer "yes! yes! yes!" God WILL carry you all the way through this!

We love you and will be praying for you on this long chemo AND radiation Monday.


Anonymous said...

We all miss seeing your smilng face. But, we know we will see it again soon! I watched Jami fight her battle with Cancer and she's right, "Cancer Sucks!" But, I also watched her beat it. I never thought in my 34 years that I would have two young friends fight through something so horrible. God truly is amazing though. I know you feel completely out of control right now, and you are. God is in control. He will see you through these next few weeks. You CAN do this! You are a fighter Sue. We continue to pray for you daily, and we are so looking forward to having the girls here on Friday!

Michelle Engebretson

Anonymous said...

Sue... I wish there was something funny to say or do to make you laugh or even just smile for a while... For once I'm at a loss... Just remember that you are very important to many people and we're all praying for you... Stay strong and just remember that life is always worth fighting for... God Bless...

Brad Soderberg