I don't know what is worse

Dare I say - I think I am making a comeback?  These past couple of days I have been in a deep abyss and now I am slowly emerging again.  The nausea is starting to subside and I have been able to eat again!  Of course, I still have a selective pallatte...I often send my family to go and get food that sounds really good at the time.  And there is a time frame in that it needs to arrive or it will no longer sound good again.  Yesterday, my father-in-law so willingly drove to Taco Bell and ordered two bean burritos to go.  They were delicious!  Yes, it is almost like I am pregnant again.  I was so sick during my pregnancies, but nothing compared to this.  

Yesterday, I had a visit to the Oncologist for a follow up appointment.  It was good to go outside again and get some fresh air.  The bumpy ride down to the appointment through the construction zone wasn't the most pleasant, but I managed.  Based on the lab work drawn, it looks like my kidneys have survived the chemo and so far so good.  

Now that the chemo is over, I am going through a ton of emotions about whether or not it is working.  Because there are no true visible signs of whether or not the tumor is working, you just have to hope it is.  This is where faith comes in.  Sitting and waiting makes you feel helpless...wanting to do more than just rest and recover until the next round.  New fears are coming mind...what if I went through all of that and nothing worked? What if the tumor is bigger?  My body is going through so many changes from the chemo that it is hard to know if it is normal or if it is not.  Is the cancer spreading, or does my body just need to heal for a little time now?  Hard to keep the fears in check.  And course, why does there have to be a new panendemic swine flu scare while my immune system is compromised?

At the doctor yesterday, I received a shot that boosts my white blood count.  This will prevent it from dropping too low when the counts start to drop.  After a couple of hours, I started having a bad reaction to the shot, and ended up going to the Emergency Room at 11:00 at night.  My lymph nodes started to swell and arms were in pain.  Apparently, several people who have healthy bone marrow do not need as strong as a dose as I received and end up overproducing white blood cells.  Too bad I did not know this before going to the ER...I would have avoided a lot of the tests that were performed to rule out everything from blood clots to spleen damage.  Lesson learned, we will do a lower dose of a shot next time.

My biggest challenge I need to overcome right now is staying positive.  Not letting my fears get the best of me.  Also, I get very overwhelmed when I think of the road to come.  Radiation/Chemo Therapy is going to be even tougher and they are going to have to drag me kicking and screaming to those appointments. I have a little secret wish that I have between me and God...I pray that the tumor will almost be gone after this first round of chemo.  This would mean less evasive procedures to get rid of it.  This would be my miracle.

Thank you again to all of you that have brought meals, gifts, flowers, hats etc....My family has never eaten so well.  Recipes will need to be gathered by the time all of this is said and done.  God has blessed us with each and every one of you and for that we are grateful!

On a parting note...I read this the other day and thought it was so powerful.  When reading the Bible, we never hear Jesus being negative or speaking negatively.  You and I should follow his example.  Say about your whatever situation you are in what you believe Jesus would say, and you will open the door for the miracle-working power of God.