Wednesday, April 29, 2009

I don't know what is worse

Dare I say - I think I am making a comeback?  These past couple of days I have been in a deep abyss and now I am slowly emerging again.  The nausea is starting to subside and I have been able to eat again!  Of course, I still have a selective pallatte...I often send my family to go and get food that sounds really good at the time.  And there is a time frame in that it needs to arrive or it will no longer sound good again.  Yesterday, my father-in-law so willingly drove to Taco Bell and ordered two bean burritos to go.  They were delicious!  Yes, it is almost like I am pregnant again.  I was so sick during my pregnancies, but nothing compared to this.  

Yesterday, I had a visit to the Oncologist for a follow up appointment.  It was good to go outside again and get some fresh air.  The bumpy ride down to the appointment through the construction zone wasn't the most pleasant, but I managed.  Based on the lab work drawn, it looks like my kidneys have survived the chemo and so far so good.  

Now that the chemo is over, I am going through a ton of emotions about whether or not it is working.  Because there are no true visible signs of whether or not the tumor is working, you just have to hope it is.  This is where faith comes in.  Sitting and waiting makes you feel helpless...wanting to do more than just rest and recover until the next round.  New fears are coming mind...what if I went through all of that and nothing worked? What if the tumor is bigger?  My body is going through so many changes from the chemo that it is hard to know if it is normal or if it is not.  Is the cancer spreading, or does my body just need to heal for a little time now?  Hard to keep the fears in check.  And course, why does there have to be a new panendemic swine flu scare while my immune system is compromised?

At the doctor yesterday, I received a shot that boosts my white blood count.  This will prevent it from dropping too low when the counts start to drop.  After a couple of hours, I started having a bad reaction to the shot, and ended up going to the Emergency Room at 11:00 at night.  My lymph nodes started to swell and arms were in pain.  Apparently, several people who have healthy bone marrow do not need as strong as a dose as I received and end up overproducing white blood cells.  Too bad I did not know this before going to the ER...I would have avoided a lot of the tests that were performed to rule out everything from blood clots to spleen damage.  Lesson learned, we will do a lower dose of a shot next time.

My biggest challenge I need to overcome right now is staying positive.  Not letting my fears get the best of me.  Also, I get very overwhelmed when I think of the road to come.  Radiation/Chemo Therapy is going to be even tougher and they are going to have to drag me kicking and screaming to those appointments. I have a little secret wish that I have between me and God...I pray that the tumor will almost be gone after this first round of chemo.  This would mean less evasive procedures to get rid of it.  This would be my miracle.

Thank you again to all of you that have brought meals, gifts, flowers, hats etc....My family has never eaten so well.  Recipes will need to be gathered by the time all of this is said and done.  God has blessed us with each and every one of you and for that we are grateful!

On a parting note...I read this the other day and thought it was so powerful.  When reading the Bible, we never hear Jesus being negative or speaking negatively.  You and I should follow his example.  Say about your whatever situation you are in what you believe Jesus would say, and you will open the door for the miracle-working power of God.


Brian Weber said...

Hi Sue and Jason,

Andrea and I are keeping you in our thoughts and prayers. It sounds like you have a great support system to help you. If there is anything we can do from a few hours down the road, please let us know.

Brian and Andrea Weber

Anonymous said...

Hi Sue,

You're in my prayers constantly. I am faithful that God will guide you through this. Let me know if you need anything.

-Katie Tierney

Anonymous said...

Karrmann Family -

After learning of Sue's cancer and her blog just yesterday I have immediately engaged the millions of people living along side me in the Southeastern United States and put you at the top of their prayer lists.

Our warm sunshine will soon be shipped up to the Minneapolis area permanently. No more cold, lonely nights. Only spring flowers, green grass, chirping birds, and everything else that is bright and happy.

Please know that Ann and I will be thinking of all you constantly until this battle is won. It's great to hear that you have such unshakeable faith and strong, persistent convictions. The best part is that you have such tremendous friends and family to be with you over the days, weeks, months, and years ahead.

Keep your chin up. I plan to see you in early October so stay strong.

Jim and Ann Walters

Anonymous said...

We continue to think, talk, and pray about you, Jason, and the girls frequently Sue. We look forward to lots of evenings outside with the smell of barbeque in the air and the kids running around. This fall, we will all get our fire pits going and have a lot of fun like we always do.

Put that in your mind, stay tough, and know that this is only temporary. You will be stronger on the other side, and able to be a source of strength for others who go through something like this. Maybe God's plan is for you to serve as a source of inspiration for others.

Derek, Connie, and Bella

Anonymous said...

Hey Sue,

I have had difficulty getting comments to post here so I will try again tonight. My parents were here and my mom told me of your cancer. We followed your blog during her visit and I continue to do so. I've been thinking of you daily and pray along with you for the miracle that God would choose to have mercy and spare you from more evacive procedures. I really like the last thought you had in this post about approaching every situation with a positive attitude. I have a ring on my pointer finger with the word PEACE -I read one time an acronym for PEACE = Purposefully Embrace All Circumstances Everyday. That is a reminder to me to choose my choose Who I trust...There are several Bible verses that I draw from during life's challenges and I thought I would share a few of them with you today. I hope they will be of some encouragement to you as you walk through this challenge...I am so happy that you know and love your Heavenly Father and even when you feel lonely you know that you are not all alone...

"God is a refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.” - Psalm 46:1 (NIV)

“The Lord gives strength to His people; the Lord blesses His people with peace.” - Psalm 29:11 (NIV)

“The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer, my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.” - Psalm 18:2 (NIV)

“I will lie down and sleep in peace, For you alone, O Lord, make me Dwell in Safety.” - Psalm 4:8 (NIV)

“Trust in the Lord with all you heart and do not lean on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your path straight.” - Proverbs 3:5&6 (NIV)

“As for God, His way is perfect; the word of the Lord is flawless. He is a shield for all
who take refuge in Him.” - Psalm 18:30 (NIV)

“Cast all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.” - I Peter 5:7 (NIV)

“Taste and see that the Lord is good, blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him.” - Psalm 34:8 (NIV)

But let all who take refuge in you be glad;
let them ever sing for joy. Spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may rejoice in you.” - Psalm 5:11 (NIV)

“Be anxious for nothing; but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, let your requests be known unto God. And the peace of God which transcends all nderstanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.” - Philippians 4:6-7 (NIV)

“The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms. He will drive out your enemy before you, saying, ’Destroy him!” - Deuteronomy 33:27 (NIV)

Keep looking up...and I along with thousands of friends, family, brothers and sisters in Christ will keep lifting you up in prayer...

Peace and Love,
Kristie Clobes

P.S. Our pastor, Andy Stanley, did a great series called "Why Worry?" that you might like to watch online when you are in need of some encouragement. Check out It's a blue icon in between the Look and Listen and Q3 series...

Anonymous said...

Hi Sue--
I've been really out of the loop as far as the neighborhood goes, and I just found out about this from Mary Sears. Good luck with your treatment and recovery--my thoughts are with you.
Carrie Paradise

Anonymous said...

Dear Sue,
we are all praying for you and hope that you will get better. Good luck with chemo and recovery and i hope that you will keep hope and don't give up.

Anonymous said...

Thank YOU, Sue, for the encouragement and amazing example of faith you show every day of your new challenge. We are learning and growing with you, too. Stay strong!

Shawna said...

Dear Sue, I am touched to the core with your stories of your fight. My own faith is stronger after reading each of your blog entry's. You are on the best team imaginable to win this, God's team. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Shawna Pesina

Anonymous said...

How lucky to have people around to help you out and your family! Rejoice in the love and support and trust! You have passed the first hurdle and I am praying that it brings great results. Your posts remind me a bit of Mackenzie's posts...her reactions to doctors, etc. You two will share a greater understanding after this and what a bond! We keep your whole family in our prayers!
-the welters

Anonymous said...

hey baby!!! i think of you so often and admire your strength and infinate faith. you are a true angel and inspiration to us all, miss u dearly. love u, please call if yall need anything at all!!

Anonymous said...

oops sorry, forgot to say the comment above was from the fosters