I am starting to feel the chemo take affect. My stomach has been upset and I am really tired. It is hard for me to be up and about for very long. It gets frustrating and I am hoping it won't get any worse. Being on the oncology floor has made cancer so real to me. It broke my heart listening to the pain my roommate was in. It sounded like she was terminal and coming into the hospital to get relieve from the pain they were not able to give her at home. I overheard the doctors ask her if she would like intervention should anything happen to her heart or should she stop breathing. She said....no. Her heart was so heavy from battling cancer over many years. I could tell she was giving up. I wanted so badly to shout, NO, do not give up. You have so much to live for and grandchildren to love. But I am sure it does get to a point when enough is enough.
I hope I don't get to this point. I want so badly to be there for my kids. I have been pretty confident up until now that I would beat this thing, but being here has dampened my spirits. It gives me a glimpse of what might happen, but I hope it doesn't.
After having a minor panic attack after Jason and the girls left, I reached for my computer and read a very encouraging e-mail from my Uncle Bob. He shared a blessing with me that brought tears to my eyes. This blessing is my hope and my dream after all this is over. Here it is:
May Your life be blessed for years to come
because you have met God in new and exciting ways.
May you and Jason tell the story of God's goodness
to your childrens' children.
May others look upon your life as a miracle of God
who desires the very best for his children.
May your life be as the flowers that bloom in the spring
when winter subsides.
May you praise God into your old age for his awesome
deeds of righteousness in answer to your prayers.
May you sense the presence of God and
May his tender mercies accompany you
both now and forevermore.
Please God heal me and answer the prayers of the many people that are praying, including me.