Wednesday, April 22, 2009

It has been a lonely day.  Jason wasn't able to spend as much time with me today at the hospital.  I spent a lot of time trying to catch up on the sleep I did not get overnight and listening to my roommate anxiously trying to get out of the hospital.  As soon as she left, I asked if I could take her spot by the window.  I now have a beautiful view to look outside at the mighty Mississippi.  I also had a pleasant surprise visit from Jason and the girls.  It was so good to get their hugs and kisses.  Mackenzie made me a birthday hat to wear on my birthday tomorrow and Kendall made me a card with our saying on it:  "I love you all the way to God".  Because that is how far love can go. 

I am starting to feel the chemo take affect.  My stomach has been upset and I am really tired.  It is hard for me to be up and about for very long.  It gets frustrating and I am hoping it won't get any worse.  Being on the oncology floor has made cancer so real to me.  It broke my heart listening to the pain my roommate was in.  It sounded like she was terminal and coming into the hospital to get relieve from the pain they were not able to give her at home.  I overheard the doctors ask her if she would like intervention should anything happen to her heart or should she stop breathing.  She said....no.  Her heart was so heavy from battling cancer over many years.  I could tell she was giving up.  I wanted so badly to shout, NO, do not give up.  You have so much to live for and grandchildren to love.  But I am sure it does get to a point when enough is enough.

I hope I don't get to this point.  I want so badly to be there for my kids.  I have been pretty confident up until now that I would beat this thing, but being here has dampened my spirits.  It gives me a glimpse of what might happen, but I hope it doesn't.

After having a minor panic attack after Jason and the girls left, I reached for my computer and read a very encouraging e-mail from my Uncle Bob.  He shared a blessing with me that brought tears to my eyes.  This blessing is my hope and my dream after all this is over.  Here it is:

May Your life be blessed for years to come
because you have met God in new and exciting ways.
May you and Jason tell the story of God's goodness
to your childrens' children.
May others look upon your life as a miracle of God
who desires the very best for his children.
May your life be as the flowers that bloom in the spring
when winter subsides.
May you praise God into your old age for his awesome
deeds of righteousness in answer to your prayers.
May you sense the presence of God and
May his tender mercies accompany you
both now and forevermore.

 
Please God heal me and answer the prayers of the many people that are praying, including me.

14 comments:

Anonymous said...

You can fight this Sue! You are young, strong, and determined. You must not allow Satan to tell you otherwise. All things that are good are from up above. God's desire is for you to have a long and healthy life. I don't know if you know the song with the lyrics, "Savior, He can move the mountains. My God is mighty to save." It is called Mighty to Save. Just remember that our God can move mountains. It is not too much to ask for him to move a few little cancer cells out of your body. This verse also comes to my mind, "ALL things are possible through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13. Philippians 4:6 also states, "Do not fret or have anxiety about anything, but in every circumstance and in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, continue to make your wants known to God." I encourage you to find some time to read all of Philippians 4 so that you can fill your mind with God's truth and hang onto that. My entire Bible Study group is praying for you Sue.

Julie Dahl

Anonymous said...

Hi Sue,

So Thankfull for you sharing your heart!! I am praying for you on a daily basis each morning!! Funny how the Lord works I have been praying against your anxiety and didn't even know that is what your had written that is the thoughts I got praying for you! I read the Ps. 91 over you everyday!! and put your name it it!! Hang on to the Word! He will bring you through! Your writings are so amazing! You have a lot of talent and God is using it and you are the miracle. Take Care, Love Kerri Black Miller

Anonymous said...

Hi, Sue --
Thanks for sharing what your going through. I check your blog all the time because you are constantly on my heart - I so appreciate your updates and I am learning so much from you. We are praying for you every day and I have a couple of other prayer warrior groups praying for you, too! I pray that you feel all the love that surrounds you in the times when you're lonely and anxious. You are being lifted up!! You are strong! Love to you and your family, Tracy Good

Anonymous said...

Sue

I don't know if you remember me, but I'm a friend of Kelly's. She has shared your journey with me since you got the news and you have been in my prayers from Day 1. My own best friend was diagnosed with colon cancer on April 3rd, and so much of your comments on faith and fears are EXACTLY the same for her.

One of my favorite songs is by Ginny Owens entitled "If You Want Me To". The lyrics are as follows:

The pathway is broken
The signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason
Why You brought me here
But just because You love me
The way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to

Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise
You're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials
Bring me closer to You
Then I will walk through the fire
If You want me .

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone

So When the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering
Your love put You through
And I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to.

Sue,I know when this is all behind you, you will have an amazing testimony to share. Please know that your strong faith is such an inspriation to so many... even people you aren't aware of. Even in this difficult time, He is using you for His glory.

May God's mercy and grace see you through,
Charla Melby

Anonymous said...

Super Sue -

I am a friend of Michelle E's, and a young cancer survivor myself. My "babies" were 4, 2 & 2 at the time I went through my chemo...about 6 months worth of treatments. Your blog directly reflects the thoughts and feelings I went through...almost exactly.

I just celebrated my "re-birthday." (A re-birthday is the day you finish chemo...) I'm three now! It can be done, my fellow mama. It can be done.

Cancer sucks. There's no other way to describe it. But please know, you are validated in your thoughts and feelings, whatever they may be.

My email is jamihelvick@hotmail.com if you ever want to vent to someone who knows EXACTLY what you are going through. http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/jamih

Be strong, my friend. We've got places to go, people to see, and kiddos to raise.

We are praying for you, and MANY others are as well.

Jami :)

Jen said...

Sue -

I just want you to know that even when you are feeling alone in that hospital room...YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Thousands of people are praying for you. When you are up in the night, someone is praying for you at that very moment. And when Jason can't be with you in the hospital, someone is praying for you just then as well. And most importantly, your Heavenly Father is always there with you. He is right there in that room with you and he will never leave you. That's His promise to us - that he will never leave us or forsake us. Hold on to that when you are feeling anxious. Please know that you are on my heart all day and I am always checking your blog to "check in on you". And when I wake up in the night, I pray for you. Know that you are SO loved and covered in prayer.

Jen Falk

Anonymous said...

Sue~
God put in you in that room with that roommate so that you could call to Him to give you strength and trust in Him. He has a plan for you. Be strong, be courageous, be open. Here is my favorite bible verse:

Phillipians 4:6-7
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

I am praying for courage and strength for you. You CAN do this! You are NEVER alone!

Your sister in Christ~
Kellee Ablard

Anonymous said...

Hi Sue,
It can all seem so hard in hospitals! Days and nights blur, there are so many interuptions,people sad, sick...but you,my friend,are so strong and filled with that gentle,enduring,ever-present and loving Holy Spirit fill you. Breathe deeply, be filled and refreshed -- just like a run! Let your hurt run away! You will be home before you know it! We pray and love! Joan

Anonymous said...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!! I AM COMING TO SEE YOU TODAY, SOMEWHERE BETWEEN 1:30 AND 2:00! LOOK FOR THE 'little gifts' THAT GOD WILL BE GIVING TO YOU ALL DAY! HE'S CELEBRATING YOUR LIFE, AND THE ANGELS ARE DANCING!

Love,

Cheri

Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday!!! I hope that God touches down and lets you know WE LOVE YOU !

Jennifer

Cindy Barber said...

Happy Birthday Sue! I know this is not how you intended to be spending your Birthday but you will have many more to celebrate!!
All our love and prayers
The Barber's
Trey, Cindy, Riley and Krew

Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday Sue! We continue to pray for you every night. Bella always says, "...please help Kendall and Mackenzie's mom to feel better..." I think she got that from Kendall, because I am usually referred to as "Isabella's Dad". Stay strong, fight hard, and we will see you soon.

God Bless,

Connie, Derek and Bella

Susan said...

Just from a cyper friend but it appears that it is your birthday today - glad to see you will be having a visitor(s) this afternoon. Oh how I wish that you didn't experience the poor cancer patient next to you....bless your heart for wanting to encourage her. I love the card one of your daughters gave you....loving you all the way to God. I will remember that one. Keep holding God's hand - HE won't let you go. One day at a time.

mebeling said...

Sue,

Keep the positive thoughts! I look at this as part of my journey and look to the future knowing that I have been brought down this path for a reason. May both of our journey's bring us closer to understanding ourselves and God.
Mary