Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Battlefield in my mind

My favorite place to be is in my bed with Jason and the girls watching a movie. There is just something about the warm, cozy bed being surrounded by my kids and husband that meets my needs right now. I feel protected, safe and happy. It is my happy place. Lately, I have been finding myself gravitating to our bed early every night with my family following. Right now I am desperate for those feelings I get when we are all together in bed.

These past couple of days have been tough. Yesterday, I had a horrible sense of doom come over me sending me into a panic attack and meltdown. All sense of hope went out the window and I felt that my death was at hand. I have been fighting so hard to not go there, and so far I have had good luck with keeping positive. But yesterday, the enemy caught me with my guard down and attacked my thoughts causing fear to overcome me. As surgery gets closer and closer I am finding it harder and harder to contain my fear. There is a battlefield going on in my mind.

I have found I have to be careful who I talk to and what I read. Anything that does not give me hope and sends a message of despair causing me to be afraid. I am sensing the fear in many of my friends and family which makes it hard for me. If they are losing hope how can I have hope? Please don't lose hope. Don't give up on me yet. I am going to fight this until it is gone. And I am choosing (well, trying) to believe it will be gone after surgery. As my mom keeps reminding, all of the messages and signs we have received so far from the doctors and tests point towards a cure.

The only CONSISTENT source of hope and truth for me is God and his word. Without it, I don't know where I would be in all of this. SInce we are in the new year, I needed to find another devotional book to read. I decided to pull out the book that my cousin's wife gave me when we were in the midst of Mackenzie's fight for life. I remembered the comfort it brought to me at that time and I hoped it would do the same for me in my own fight for life. The first devotion I read was another swift kick in the butt from God reminding me to believe:

"When you are confronted with a matter that requires immediate prayer, pray until you believe God - until with whole-hearted sincerity you can thank HIm for the answer. If you do not see the external answer immediately, do not pray for it in such a way that it is evident you are not definitely believing God for it."

"You will never learn faith in comfortable surroundings. God gives us His promises in a quiet hour, seals our covenants with great and gracious words, and then steps back, waiting to see how much we believe. He then allows the Tempter to come, and the ensuing test seems to contradict all that He has spoken. This is when faith wins its crown. This is the time to look up through the storm, and declare "I have faith in God that it will happen just as he told me." This is exactly what happened to me yesterday when I had that sense of doom come over me. God stepped back and waited to see how much I believed. I think I failed. I just continue to pray and ask God to help my unbelief.

Mark 11:24 "Whatever you ask for in prayer, believe."

Believe and trust; through stars and suns,
Through life and death, through soul and sense,
His wise, paternal purpose runs;
The darkness of HIs Providence
Is starlit with Divine intents.

Thank you to those who will be covering me in prayer through the prayer chain that will be taking place on the day of the surgery. I can't thank you enough. It will be bring me peace and comfort. You will never know how much it means to me.

14 comments:

Anonymous said...

Sue: you are a survivor. I know you'll get through this. I believe in you and your doctors.

-Katie t

Anonymous said...

Dear Sue,
Your doctors have said that your surgery will be successful. God has said He is with you. So many are lifting you up to His Almighty hands. He is hope and strength for all of us. He IS ABLE! We continue to pray daily for His peace, strength and healing. You and your family matter to Him.
Love, Julie and Lowell J.

Anonymous said...

Sue, you have become to face of HOPE to me and so many others. If only you could see in yourself what we all see in you: a STONG, God fearing, FAITH-filled servant of Christ. He loves you, He is there for you, hanging with you on your own cross. May you feel Him holding you, Jason, and the girls in His arms. The day will come when YOU WILL BE REWARDED WITH COMPLETE HEALING! Without knowing when that specific day is, the journey seems long and never ending. Have FAITH that His Light is the light at the end of this dark and desperate tunnel... HAVE HOPE!!

~Charla Melby

Jeremy, Michelle, and Girls said...

Dear Sue,
I have never doubted for one second that you will beat this. Everything you have gone through so far is preparing you for this last battle. You are so strong and courageous. As much as your faith has been tested throughout this, it has made you the woman you are. I am so proud to be your friend. Trust in the doctors and nurses that will care for you. Trust that you have all the support you need from friends and family. Most of all, trust in God who will be with you every step of the way! You WILL get through this! I can't wait for the day that you will be declared "cancer free". We will celebrate!

All my love and prayers!

Michelle E.

Anonymous said...

It is okay to be afraid, I cannot imagine you not being afraid. Everyone fears the unknown, those emotions are normal. But when that fear starts to be too much, you need to try very hard to push it out and think of the bright sunny future you have ahead of you. I know you will get through this, I know you will come out cancer free and that you will beat this. You have come too far for any of us to give up on you. Believe Sue, we are doing this together, we all are with you. We will be with you on the 14th constantly and we are all looking forward to the posting that says CANCER FREE!!

BELIEVE it will happen. Believe in yourself and your family and your doctors and your friends and your God.

Susan Thomas

Anonymous said...

Sue,

We continue to think of you often and pray for you. Thanks for continuing to include all of us in your journey. The uncertainty must be very difficult to endure, but do not give up hoping!

Romans 15:13 "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."

Love and prayers,
Dani

mebeling said...

It's that last leg of the race, when you think you can't; but you know deep down you will! I know you will!
I know the fear doesn't go away completely; but, look deep and you will know and feel the love and support around you. You will know that we all believe you have a long, happy future ahead of you!
Our prayers continue!

Anonymous said...

Sue
Today i recieved this message from my aunt.
I immediately thought of you.... hope this speaks to you...

"Make sure you pray, and pray believing God will answer. May today be all you need it to be. May the peace of God and the freshness of the Holy Spirit rest in your thoughts, rule in your dreams tonight, and conquer all your fears. May God manifest Himself today in ways you have never experienced. May your joys be fulfilled, your dreams be closer, and your prayers be answered! I pray that faith enters a new height for you; I pray that your territory is enlarged. I pray for peace, healing, health, happiness, prosperity, joy, true and undying love for God."

~Charla Melby

Anonymous said...

Sue,

I just want to let you know that I know God is with you, I know that God loves you, and I know that God will see you through until the end, and I know that he will bring you healing. I know because over the past couple of days, I've been praying for you a lot, and I've been praying that God will bring peace, hope and love to you and your family. God knows that you are scared, he knows that you can't go through this on your own, and that's why he's given you such a large support of people to pray for you. I'll continue to pray for you!
Andrea Wackerfuss

mimi charmante said...

Sue, I have absolutely no doubt that you are going to come out on the other end of this a stronger woman than you already are. You have been such an inspiration to so many, and I know you will continue to do so. The grace with which you pass over each of these hurdles is astounding, and each morning when I wake and think of you, two hours ahead of me and already having started your day, you give me the reminder I need to manage each challenge gracefully and positively. Keep it up my friend - you have endless people behind you, cheering you on, and being inspired by you each and every day.
Much love,
K.

Jen Zick said...

Your surgery date is marked on my home calendar, my work calendar, and on my heart...I will be praying for you!!!

cindylbarber said...

SUE....Hang in there! We believe in you. You are constantly on my mind, in my heart and in my prayers! You will beat this!
All our love and prayers
Cindy & Trey

Anonymous said...

Sue,

As you picture that battlefield in your mind, picture all of us footsoldiers in an army of prayer, marching against the enemies of fear and doubt! There are so many of us, on prayer chains around the world, who are now and will be lifting you up through this next week, storming heaven with prayers for 100% successful surgery with no cancer, no loss of your eye, no major damage to your beautiful face! While we must always submit to God's Will in our lives, we are all praying that our will and His coincide!

These verses from Proverbs have always been my favorite, but today as I read them I was struck by the ones that follow. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowlege Him and He will direct your path." Proverbs 3: 5-6. Reading on, "Never let yourself think that you are wiser than you are; simply obey the Lord and refuse to do wrong." And then: "If you do, it will be like good medicine, healing your wounds and easing your pains." Wow!

God be with you, Sue. and also with Jason and Mackenzie and Kendall. We are all there with you every step of the way in prayer and love.

Bev Johansen

Mary Lou Jones said...

Sue,
God will be with you Thursday as you go through your surgery and your recovery. You are in our constant thoughts and prayers. We will continue to pray for you and your family as you recover.
Your faith is strong and your will is great!
God bless you, Jason, Mackenzie and Kendall.
Dave and Mary Lou Jones