My favorite place to be is in my bed with Jason and the girls watching a movie. There is just something about the warm, cozy bed being surrounded by my kids and husband that meets my needs right now. I feel protected, safe and happy. It is my happy place. Lately, I have been finding myself gravitating to our bed early every night with my family following. Right now I am desperate for those feelings I get when we are all together in bed.
These past couple of days have been tough. Yesterday, I had a horrible sense of doom come over me sending me into a panic attack and meltdown. All sense of hope went out the window and I felt that my death was at hand. I have been fighting so hard to not go there, and so far I have had good luck with keeping positive. But yesterday, the enemy caught me with my guard down and attacked my thoughts causing fear to overcome me. As surgery gets closer and closer I am finding it harder and harder to contain my fear. There is a battlefield going on in my mind.
I have found I have to be careful who I talk to and what I read. Anything that does not give me hope and sends a message of despair causing me to be afraid. I am sensing the fear in many of my friends and family which makes it hard for me. If they are losing hope how can I have hope? Please don't lose hope. Don't give up on me yet. I am going to fight this until it is gone. And I am choosing (well, trying) to believe it will be gone after surgery. As my mom keeps reminding, all of the messages and signs we have received so far from the doctors and tests point towards a cure.
The only CONSISTENT source of hope and truth for me is God and his word. Without it, I don't know where I would be in all of this. SInce we are in the new year, I needed to find another devotional book to read. I decided to pull out the book that my cousin's wife gave me when we were in the midst of Mackenzie's fight for life. I remembered the comfort it brought to me at that time and I hoped it would do the same for me in my own fight for life. The first devotion I read was another swift kick in the butt from God reminding me to believe:
"When you are confronted with a matter that requires immediate prayer, pray until you believe God - until with whole-hearted sincerity you can thank HIm for the answer. If you do not see the external answer immediately, do not pray for it in such a way that it is evident you are not definitely believing God for it."
"You will never learn faith in comfortable surroundings. God gives us His promises in a quiet hour, seals our covenants with great and gracious words, and then steps back, waiting to see how much we believe. He then allows the Tempter to come, and the ensuing test seems to contradict all that He has spoken. This is when faith wins its crown. This is the time to look up through the storm, and declare "I have faith in God that it will happen just as he told me." This is exactly what happened to me yesterday when I had that sense of doom come over me. God stepped back and waited to see how much I believed. I think I failed. I just continue to pray and ask God to help my unbelief.
Mark 11:24 "Whatever you ask for in prayer, believe."
Believe and trust; through stars and suns,
Through life and death, through soul and sense,
His wise, paternal purpose runs;
The darkness of HIs Providence
Is starlit with Divine intents.
Thank you to those who will be covering me in prayer through the prayer chain that will be taking place on the day of the surgery. I can't thank you enough. It will be bring me peace and comfort. You will never know how much it means to me.