Home Sweet Home

I am finally home! It was so great sleeping in my own bed last night. And to be able to sleep without interruption was great as well. Although, I do find myself missing the company of the nurses and staff that were in and out of my room at the hospital. I had developed some good friendships with the nurses..they truly are a gift from heaven. I have been sitting upstairs in my room all day. It has been quite lonely. I do have little faces peeking in and out of my room every now and then. But mom is too boring for them right now. Plus, I think they are still trying to get used to my new look. I finally convinced Mackenzie to sit in bed with me to watch a movie. We are watching Evens Stevens on the Disney Channel for the 20th time. It is funny how kids can watch a movie over and over and not care how many times they have seen it.

Today, Jason and I are trying to figure out a schedule for my medical needs. So many medications, drip feedings to give and wound care to be done. On top of that, I am trying to figure out a way to maneuver myself around the bedroom with the use of the walker. My leg is still in a lot of pain. And after seeing the wound and stitches on it the other day I can understand why. I am glad I am not the one to do the dressing changes. Jason has definitely taken on a temporary career of home care nurse. He is running around the house like a mad man trying to help with me and the kids. Hopefully when I can get around more on my own I can relieve some of the stress he has right now trying to take care of me.

I finally took a look at my face in the mirror last night. I was shocked at how swollen it is. I just started crying. I can't even explain to you how it felt. Just very scarey and overwhelming. The stitch line looks great and I am sure it will be unnoticeable once all healing is completed.

What I wouldn't give right now to have a Sonic Burger and a Dr. Pepper. I am so tired of not being able to eat. I am hoping I will be able to start eating again soon. The roof of my mouth has been difficult to get used to. It is swollen and feels extremely funny. I can feel the tissue and the skin graft that was taken from my leg. The teeth are also missing, but knowing I will be able to get those replaced helps me deal with it. I am about ready to yank out the feeding tube in my nose. It is a big pain the butt.

The one thing that has been so wonderful is not having to worry about "cancer" anymore. I no longer have it weighing on my mind knowing it is gone!!! What a great feeling. Yes, I do have a little anxiety about future scans and tests. But I am feeling a lot more at peace now.

If we could push ajar the gates of life,
And stand within, and all God's working see,
We might interpret all this doubt and strife,
And for each mystery could find a key.

But not today. Be content dear heart;
God's plans, like lillies pure and white, unfold.
We must not tear the close-shut leaves part,
Time will someday reveal the blooms of Gold.

And if, through patient toil, we reach the land,
With tired feet, with sandals loosed, may rest,
When we shall clearly know and understand,
I think we will say, "God knew best."

Last night, I was overcome by a huge feeling gratefulness. I just wanted to get on my knees to praise God for the miracle he has given to me. The surgery had the best possible outcome. The incision was minimal, my eye was saved and the cancer is gone. What a tremendous gift and experience God has given to me. And I have come to firmly believe that through it all, God knew best.