Chemo - Middle of the Night Reflections

Every time you venture out in the life of faith, you will find something in your common-sense circumstances that flatly contradicts your faith.  Common sense is not, and faith is not common sense; they stand in the relation of the natural and the spiritual.  Can you trust Jesus Christ where your common sense cannot trust Him?  Can you venture out heroically on Jesus Christ's statements when the facts of your common sense shout - It's a lie?"  On the mount it is easy to say - "Oh yes, I believe God can do it"; but you have to come down into the demon- possessed valley and meet with facts that laugh ironically at the whole of your mount-of-transfiguration belief.  Every time my program of belief is clear to my own mind, I come across something that contradicts it.  Let me say I believe God will supply all my needs, and then let me run dry, with no outlook, and see whether I will sink back to something lower.

Faith must be tested, because it can be turned into a personal possession only through conflict.  What is your faith up against just now?  'Blessed is he whosoever shall not be offended in Me.'  The final thing is confidence in Jesus.  Believe steadfastly on Him and all you come up against will develop your faith.  May God keep us in fighting trim!  Faith is unutterable trust in God, trust which never dreams that He will not stand by us." - Oswald Chambers

This is a passage My Aunt sent me to reflect on during my battle with cancer.  It took me at least 3-4 times to read it and completely understand what it is saying.  And after finally grasping what it meant, I realized this was one the true reasons that I am going through cancer.  My faith is being tested to the point that I will always have unutterable trust in God to take care of me no matter what situation I am in.  To let go of the control and give it all to him.  To Let go and Let God as many of you have reminded me.  I need that constant reminder.  I have found myself getting anxiety attacks quite frequently since I learned about my diagnosis.  And these anxiety attacks happen when I am scared, and when I know I am losing control.  In fact, I was having a lot of anxiety way before my diagnosis.  I was going through a period in my life where I was not giving everything to God.  I was trying to control the outcome of everything in my life.  I think the more and more I can understand what Oswald Chambers has said, the anxiety attacks will start to go away.  Oh how I can't wait until that day when I will have complete peace and understanding so that I can just let it all go.  It will be tough, but I think I can do it.

Last night after Jason left (he stayed at watched Amerian Idol with me) I started to feel very alone in my battle.  They started another chemo drug and without Jason's support there with me I started to get very anxious.  They had to give me another drug to calm me down.  I haven't gotten much sleep...so much on my mind.  I think I slept about 2 hours.  It is now 5:00 am and I should be getting ready to get up for a run with Heather and Kelly.  Oh, how I miss that.  I am starting to feel little weaker.  But I am not going to let that stop me from getting a couple of laps around the Oncology unit.  I am determined to keep my strength up as much as possible.  

I think my roommate will be leaving today.  It has been so difficult to have a roommate that has advanced stages of cancer and is agony and in pain.  It does not sound good.  I felt like asking the nurses if it was the best decision to stick me, a younger woman, who is starting chemo for the first time with a woman who seems to have been battling cancer for quite some time.  This has done quite a number on my mental status.  Afraid that I might be there some day, in agony and pain. However, because I don't want to be a demanding patient and because God just put it on my heart to pray for her things got a little better.  The Doctors have gotten her pain under control.  I think she slept much better than I did.  I have a beautiful view from my room overlooking the Mississippi River, but I can't see it because my bed is on the other side of the room and we are separated by a curtain.  I am hoping if my roommate leaves I can claim the other side.  It would be so nice to see some sunshine as I heard I will be missing some very nice warm days over the next three days.

Last night we got a little angel sent to us in the form of a nurse.  Jason knew her from college so it was nice to have a familiar face around especially after Jason went home.  She was wonderful helping me get through my anxiety attack.  The staff on the Oncology floor are amazing people!  I asked my nurse what it was the drew her to work on the Oncology floor.  She said she has tried other areas of specialities, but keeps coming back here. She loves working with the patients as they are a source of inspiration.

Yesterday I got a chance to add some artwork made by Mackenzie and Kendall and pictures up on the wall.  They are constant reminders of what it is that I need to accomplish here.  And that is get better so I can see them grow old and eventually watch them get married and meet my grandchildren.  I know in my heart that it will happen.  It is just going to be a long process.

Prayer Requests:  Please pray the chemo side affects will continue to be subtle.  I am guessing by the end of the day today I may start experiencing them a little more.  Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for your messages and words of encouragement.  What amazes me is that some of you have been quoting scripture that have always been a source of comfort to me.  Especially the on about God's power made perfect in weakness.  This was a verse that was with me all along through our journey with Mackenzie.  And it was first verse I opened to in my Bible when I learned my diagnosis. So when I read your notes with scriptures that confirm the ones I am reading it gives me hope and strength! Please keep them coming!